Switching off and switching in - Facebook and mobile phones

I have been thinking for a long while now, about coming off social media and not using my mobile phone.

I did attempt to leave Facebook last year, but people kept telling me how foolish I was for doing so, because that’s not what you do if you are running a small business. I kept arguing that I’m not running a small business, so what does it matter - I’m lucky as I am able to do what I love and share this with others, and earn a living from it too. To me this isn’t a small business, it’s living my dharma and being of service. 

I have grown increasingly weary over the years of receiving invites to join ‘small business’ groups, ‘conscious collective’ groups, ‘star seed’ groups, ‘entrepreneurial’ groups and the such like on Facebook. I’m not a fan of groups or of labelling, because this just creates greater separation and it also runs the risk of us putting ourselves on pedestals as if we are somehow better than others. It also limits us and I absolutely do not want to be limited or put in a box.

Yet still, despite knowing all this, I stayed on Facebook, partly because I questioned whether I might have gotten it wrong, and so I suppose there was some fear of somehow losing out on what others were telling me I was gaining. It didn’t help that I contacted Hays House, a holistic publishing company, to submit a manuscript, only to be told that they will only accept work from writers who have a certain number of social media and email followers. 

This saddened me - that the publication of manuscripts is dependent on the author having a certain number of followers, not on the merit of the written content itself. It’s as if the author’s ability to social network has now become more important than what they are actually offering or sharing, which seems in contrast to being in service to something greater than ourselves, a channel then, creating in unison with the sacred, at least for holistic manuscripts.

So with a heavy heart I continued using Facebook to keep the option open in terms of book publishing in the future, and I tried to play it’s game; apparently the more you post, the more your posts will appear in newsfeeds, and the more people might know what you are offering and respond with a ‘like’ or a comment. But all the while this made me feel uneasy and inauthentic because I didn’t want to be posting for the sake of posting, plus I didn’t want to be spending my spare time online for the sake of it either. 

Furthermore, I didn’t feel comfortable feeding into a platform that doesn’t necessarily bring out the best in people or support their health and wellbeing. Not only does it provide the possibility for conflict if people don’t agree with you, but you can unconsciously lose hours of your life scrolling through your newsfeed if you’re not careful – it absorbs time and energy! My concerns about this have been proven to a certain extent by Covid-19 and lockdown.

In the earlier days, the fear and anxiety and judgments circulating on Facebook were immense and it took some effort not to get caught up in it. And I did to a certain extent, offering a plethora of free yoga classes through Facebook, as if I alone could somehow ease the negativity and support those who were clearly suffering. However, I was then spending hours on Facebook, and certainly not feeling better for it. 

Fortunately my yoga teacher, Louise, pulled me up on this, not only reminding me not to ‘prostitute’ myself, but to consider any underlying motivations. I genuinely wanted to help people, but I did question whether I somehow needed to be seen to be helping people too. It was this latter point that fascinated me, that reinforced how conniving our ego can be, that even with clear intention, we can still sometimes lose ourselves along the way, and Facebook provides a fantastic platform for this too.

So I have considered that perhaps part of the reason I have stayed on Facebook might be ego. The need to be known, liked, followed. And perhaps this is the reason that I find Facebook increasingly uncomfortable, because I know that it is a trap. It might make us feel that it is essential, that it allows people to find out what it is we are offering the world – for example yoga and Reiki – but I know that people will find us regardless.

Those who contact me for yoga through Facebook rarely make it to a class and those who contact for Reiki, book and then pull out nearer the time. I have noticed common behaviour patterns with it. Furthermore, I haven’t met a single one of my yoga teacher’s on Facebook. Instead I have met them through word of mouth or because we happened to be in the same place at the same time; the divine. 

And yet admittedly, living on Guernsey, in a small community, Facebook can be helpful at raising awareness of events and it can help you to stay in touch with those you don’t see regularly, and share interesting articles etc, so it is not always about being liked or known. This I have considered too and lately this is my motivation for using Facebook, I love to share my blogs, for example and any poignant quotes or new moon readings. But beyond that, I can’t be sure that there is any benefit, I could be wrong however!

There’s more awareness gained recently - lockdown has been a gift for many reasons, but especially because it has enabled me to experience a new way of living, a much slower, nature based and child orientated one, that my soul has craved for some time, and that the moon has been trying to orientate me towards. I have known on a deep level, but I just couldn’t figure it out in my small mind how I might make the changes that needed to be made. The universe has made the changes for me, for all of us collectively. 

It’s not been easy necessarily, there has been a death of sorts; I experienced a significant letting go at the end of the last moon cycle, as the old way of being, that I was holding onto so tightly in my solar plexus, finally let go. I knew it was coming because at the beginning of lockdown I had a very vivid dream of dying, one of my students being the gatekeeper, it was surreal and yet necessary, and all the yoga I have studied with Louise this last month has supported this process with its emphasis on letting go and ‘preparing for a good death’, as she says!

I have a feeling that the world generally is going through a period of death. Some are literally dying and passing onto the other world, two of my friends have lost their mums, for example. And some have been dying while in this world, as parts drop away that are no longer needed, and new lives begin, with different priorities, different intentions, different ambitions and different energies.

I am enjoying all that the ‘new’ has ushered in, the planting of vegetables and the medicinal seeds from Fi, the time spent on Saints Beach, where I was rewarded this morning with my first marble, opportunities for sun rise and sun set, of running in the lanes and noticing the hedgerows, the cliffs in all their beauty and my boys, my beautiful boys, watching them moment to moment, growing and maturing, learning and deepening their interest in the world around them, off the screens and out in nature.

I have also enjoyed Diana Beresford-Kroeger entering my life. Diana is an Irish botanist, medical biochemist and author, who is also the keeper of ancient Celtic wisdom, so she straddles many worlds and weaves them together beautifully. I have learned a lot from Diana these last few weeks in watching her documentary, reading one of her books and her many interviews, and my life has been enriched for it. I am inspired by her ability to speak her truth and live from that place too, with a deep knowing of self. 

She has inspired in me a need to plant and to be in nature, to bathe in the trees, and to speak more of my truth out in the world. She has also given me permission to honour the deep calling, the one that tells me that I don’t want to spend too much of my time on Facebook, and the other one that has questioned whether I want to continue using a mobile telephone, and thus unintentionally supporting the installation of the dreaded 5G.

 The last few weeks I thought I had run out of mobile data so I was no longer able to use my mobile phone outside of the house. As it happens I had just accidentally and unknowingly turned it off – or it was the work of the divine – and yet what a wonderful lesson I learned. It was refreshing not to be distracted by my phone when out with the children, or to feel that I was beholden to anyone messaging or calling. 

Diana has definitely brought with her a call for action; to actually take action, not just talk about it, or think about it. I don’t want to be part of this life lived on the internet, disconnected from nature and distracted from my children and denying my own inner truth and wisdom. I am grateful to the online yoga classes during lockdown, but I shan’t miss it once we are able to connect in person again, for it is not the same, and you cannot put a price on the benefit of real touch. 

The world needs more real touch. Touching the earth, touching trees, touching plants, touching those we love, touching lives in ways that we cannot even imagine when our heads are down staring at screens, blinkered to all that is happening around us, numbing out, distracted and unnecessarily busying ourselves, trying to be someone, living and yet not truly living. It’s that kind of living that makes us sick; that makes this planet sick. 

Lance Schuler, who taught me how to teach yoga, reminded me recently that for those who wish to be taken seriously while protesting against 5G, they must abandon their phones, just as you would not take an animal justice advocate seriously while wearing fur. Valid point. His words written about 5G are shared below*. He also asked us at this time to re-examine everything we have learned and to reject anything that assaults our souls. 

I have been examining what I have learned and I have become increasingly aware of that which assaults my soul. I am aware that the way that the world has been going is not necessarily the way that my soul wants me to go and it is not a world that I want my children growing up in. That sometimes we have to align with a different way, and that while this may take courage, it becomes the only option available to us, because life lived out of alignment, will negatively impact on our health and wellbeing and further deplete mother earth in the process.

It is for this reason that I’m going to give it a try. I’m going to put my money where my mouth is, so to speak, and see what life is like lived off social media and my mobile telephone. Just for a month. So from Beltain, on Friday 1 May, I shall switch off and switch in, and see where I’m at, and what I’ve learned by the beginning of June, and whether I’ll be switching the mobile phone and Facebook on again. Here begins the experiment! 

I’ll continue blogging and teaching and sending newsletters by the way. 

Love Emma x

*As there is increasing awareness that the 5G roll-out is a possible player of our current situation we invite all of you who can, especially in the West, who have mobile phones to consider the opportunity this situation lends to us and ‘lay them down to rest’.
We feel that one of the most immediate threats that comes to life, and loss of our freedoms comes from the use of this device.
5G is an escalating virus taking the radio assault to a new level on our planet; using much higher frequencies, much greater band-width and much greater power levels. This will eventually be escalated from short range to ‘planet wide’ and from an indirect to direct assault on the ionosphere when literally tens of thousands of 5G satellites go into operation over the next few years.
With evidence of these non–native micro waves greatest effects on the worldwide starvation and death of species and the more dangerous effects of the most innocent bystanders our GRANDCHILDREN, where these waves have a much more harmful and devastating effect.
With more than 5 billion people now holding open sources of microwave radiation in their hands, Mother Earth is burning, yet no fire fighters are coming…
For most people considering this proposal may seem like an impossibility, but that is because they do not remember that only 25 years ago almost no one had a mobile phone. 
Were we more human then? Are mobile phones dehumanising our physical and spiritual connections to our existence? 
For those who wish to be taken seriously while protesting against 5G, they must abandon their phones, just as one would not take the animal justice advocates seriously while wearing fur coats.
If we all discontinue their use we can return to a more EVEN playing field for those who choose not to use them, and with that new opportunities and freedoms will return so that we can all function and operate more equally, non-discriminately, and less destructively. (Lance Schuler).

The message in the scarves

Yesterday my basket of scarves caught my eye. I love scarves and have bought a number over the years, and have been gifted some too. I gave some away this year, because I realised that I was no longer using them, especially now I’m not working in an office, but still I have kept a stash, which I have not touched for about a year. Instead I’ve just used the same plain blue one all winter!

I thought to myself how my basket of unused scarves is reflective of what is wrong in this world – us having more than we need! This basket of scarves is just sitting there, gathering dust, being of no real value to anyone, because as lovely as they are, I don’t really need them, not practically. But what to do with them? Well herein the other thing; attachment, and not being able to let them go because of sentimentality and the idea that I may use them in the future.

This got me thinking about how many people bought far more than they needed at the beginning of lockdown, that the fear of not having enough, caused many to panic buy.  I wonder what will happen to all the extra packets of pasta and cans of soup that was bought and whether they will ever get used or sit collecting dust in the cupboards and be wasted. With any luck they’ll make their way to hampers and be given to others to use instead.

I have been giving some thought to Beltain, and how I might celebrate this cross-quarter festival of fertility. Traditionally people jumped the fire to purify, cleanse and to bring fertility, while couples jumped the fire to pledge themselves to each other. This is a time when Mother Earth’s energies are at her most active and all of life is bursting with fertility and the power of its own potential. This definitely needs to be honoured and celebrated.

Amongst other things, I thought that I might make a garland for the La Gran’Mère at St Martin’s church. I wrote about her in my book Dancing with The Moon and how I was drawn to see her the day before Eben was born and the journey that she and the moon took me on. She is absolutely worth celebrating and at this poignant time too, she holds a power, as do many of the ancient sites, that enable us to shift our perceptions outside of time.

I didn’t give too much thought to the garland after I’d made the decision to make one, thinking I’ve got plenty of time (Beltain is 1 May), but then I was walking along the beach collecting litter and a shell with a hole in it revealed itself to me. Ah ha, of course, I shall add shells to the garland! I collected a few other shells but these required me making holes, not ideal, but lo and behold the next day, yet more shells with holes appeared and more the next day!

Then yesterday, someone had very kindly woven together some grasses to create a natural string and this they had discarded on the slip way at Saints just where we were changing for our swim. I couldn’t believe my luck, and was extremely grateful not least to the person who made it, but to the universe for providing that which we need, especially when what we need is for something greater than ourselves, for the ancients, to encourage connection with the ancient energy. 

 I’m receiving strong guidance to connect with these energies at this time, through the elements, which I try and work anyway, but to step it up a gear, as I’m sure others are feeling too, especially those working in the healing arts. There is something about the ancient energy that is needed now,  perhaps the respect that this energy has for Mother Earth - you only have to consider Stonehenge and the Callanish Stones to see the extent that the ancients went to honour the sun and the moon respectively, and here too on Guernsey, some of the dolmens have been aligned with sun rise and there is evidence of stone circles, although the granite industry destroyed many of these years ago now.

I suppose when I consider that we receive that which we need, we might ask, well how about those starving in this world, how come they do not receive what they most need. I don’t have all the answers, but I do have a feeling that they might well receive what they most need if it wasn’t for greed, and for some taking more than they need so that others go without, and the flow of the energy being blocked, so that some suffer and unnecessarily too.

It is greed that has led to climatic change, and the exploitation of Mother Earth’s resources so that we can all have more than we actually need. If there’s one thing I’ve learned during lockdown (and there have been many things), is the fact we can live with much less than we think we want and need. We can live very simply, and even though I already thought I was living simply, I see now that there is an even simpler way to live.

I’m becoming increasingly aware that the simpler we live, the less we want and the more abundant and full our lives become as a result. We do receive that which we need, not always in the way we might expect it, and not always when we think we need it (only today for example did I truly notice a book about the healing properties of herbs on my book shelf, the exact book I actually now need and there it was all this time, waiting, a gift from a few years ago), but it comes in all the same, we just have to recognise it.

I’m off to make my garland and to ponder what I might do with the scarves. Maybe I’ll need them in the future, or maybe it’s time to let them go to someone in greater need, let’s see, sometimes we just have to settle into the unknown until it becomes clear, at least it’s made me reflect! All I do know, is that I am grateful to Mother Earth for all she gives, for the abundance, for the joy of the sun rises and the celebrations of the new moon energy, the growth of my medicinal plants and finding the gifts that she has left on the beach. Magic. It’s everywhere. Truly. 

The sun, the bee and the moon!

Today I have mainly been trying to stay aligned to soul. 

This meant taking the whole family with me for a brief cliff walk to watch the sunrise, which was just amazing. This was soon followed by a high tide swim, albeit only E and I swam, the boys played titanic on the beach, but the combination set us all up high vibration for the day ahead.

Then, aside from the online learning, washing, cleaning, cooking and shopping, I mainly spent the rest of the day re-potting my medicinal herbs (I’m so excited, as all but two of the 15 herbs I planted have come through and I have so many marigolds, marshmallow, hyssop and woad that I don’t know what on earth I’ll do with them all!) and practising the brahmari breath! 

The brahmari breath, the bumble bee breath, is just wonderful for calming the mind, soothing the nervous system and keeping the energy high – you can literally feel the vibration within your body. The bee knows best, without the bee life would be a bit tricky, so best we bring as much of the bee as we can into life – the queen bee at that, we should all be practising the brahmari regularly! All you need to do is take a breath in through your nose and then hum as you exhale, for as long as you can. Repeat, repeat, repeat! 

I was also reflecting on how easy it is to fall asleep again while awake, and yet how necessary this is for the process of moving from a state of contraction to expansion. To expand, we have to first contract, then we expand and then we contract, as the moon moves through this cycle so do we, from one stage of being to another, and in tune with her too – her energy encourages it if we are tapped in. It’s beautiful really. 

Mind you it’s been a beautiful day all around and I am grateful to the ancient wisdom, which always knows best - to father sun for his high energy, to the bee for its vibration and to the moon, for her energy of contraction and expansion and letting go and beginning anew, and to spring-time Mother Earth for her potency. I’m excited about this next moon cycle and just help I can stay in tune!  

A different day!

I decided yesterday that I wanted today to be different; I wanted it be calmer and to have a higher vibration to it, that’s the reason I visited the fairy cave yesterday, to shift the energy. 

 So I awoke early and went out for a walk on the cliffs to watch the sun rise. I was treated to the most amazing skies and the most beautiful bird song, all on my own too. There is something rather comforting and reassuring about seeing the sun rise, it’s the certainty I suppose, the fact that the sun will rise each day in the east, and set each day in the west, always has and always will, it’s the natural lore. It raises my energy too, to see the sun rise from the horizon. 

It’s comforting to know that we have the new moon tomorrow too, as this means that in a few days’ time, as long as it is clear, we should be able to see the sliver of the new moon in the night sky. I always find this really comforting and calming too, there’s something about the promise and the hope that the sliver brings that always makes me feel very alive on the inside. I miss the moon in this dark phase, so it was lovely to celebrate the sun instead!

I managed a quick high tide swim at Saints this early morning too, with the boys on the bike, and we had the whole beach to ourselves, which is always a treat. As I have written about before, there is something incredibly grounding, calming and uplifting about sea swimming – I’ve never once regretted a swim, nor E. It definitely gets you tingling and clears negativity. 

Back home and my ‘working’ day began with a children’s yoga class on Zoom. The majority of the children were genuine home-schoolers; I suspect their parents are the calmest of all parents on Guernsey at the moment! It’s lovely being able to share yoga this way, and to see some familiar faces, well done all you children. 

I then had a Vedic chant session with my teacher in the UK. Together we chanted a variety of mantra including the Gayatri mantra, one of the most ancient mantras known to man, said to purify the listener as well as the singer, and here in reverence to the light of the sun and to ask for clarity and strength. There is a reason that the ancients celebrated, prayed to, and honoured the sun and this mantra is sublime as those of you who chant it with me on retreat will know (with Deva Premal!). 

We chanted the Sava śānta too. This translates as “All is peace” and is a beautiful mantra, that we should probably all be chanting:

“May there be peace

Everywhere, at all levels of

Existence. In the sky, the wind, 

The moon, the stars, among

Animals and humans, in the 

Divine and amongst those who

Have attained Brahma.

Those who recite this mantra

Ask that peace within be

Strengthened so that it may be 

offered to the world”.

Then it was online learning, which was humorous more than anything, now that I’ve let it go together with that outdated ‘out of control’ pattern. As if to test me though, while we were able to use an iPad to Facetime my Dad, we couldn’t then use an additional device to access the online site, because the internet was super slow. This meant that my poor Dad had to use the phone on which he was speaking to us through Facetime, to show us the screen of his computer so we could watch the online content that way. Where there’s a will there’s a way and I didn’t get at all upset about it, just accepted it.

However, I’m not sure Elijah would have been too bothered if he hadn’t been able to access the online content. Even without the distraction of Eben and E, It took quite some time to engage him today, he wasn’t really interested in numberbonds and just wanted to look at a book with my Dad, which is what ultimately ended up happening, after an attempt at phonics and writing. At least we had something to upload to Class dojo, even though I wasn’t able to do that until all other devices were turned off!

The boys eating lunch gave me the opportunity to get on my mat and breath and move and just settle into myself. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I felt a shift in the energy today, and I’m hopeful that others have felt it too. There’s this awareness that we are all in it together, and that so many of us feel the same, and we will find a way - there is great comfort in the solidarity and I have received a number of supportive messages this last 24 hours, so thank you, it’s always reassuring to know you’re not alone!

Then we used what exercise time we had left to cycle to the beach for a walk and a swim. And here more allowing of the children to be children to run around naked, laughing and joking and playing. This really is what life should be more about, in the allowing, not in the pushing and pulling and trying to mould our children to be something that they are not. 

I suppose for me, this has been the greatest shift today. Of letting go of the expectations, educational of otherwise. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s more so that there isn’t only one way, and the way that I’m being encouraged by powers that be, isn’t the way that I want to take. I don’t want to go anywhere really, that’s the thing, I want to go inside myself, and enjoy the simplicity of life, with my boys and their innocence and support them at this very tricky time by showering them with love, kindness, nature and attention. I certainly don’t want to be stressing at them.

Thus it was a joy to make it to sunset and to bed time without any tears, or drama, or overwhelm or frustration, mine or theirs! I was reminded that what we put out will get mirrored back at us, and we were all much calmer today! I thank the ancients really, I’m always drawn to them when I need to be drawn back into soul and heart. It’s not that I – or you – realise that we have disconnected from that place, until we find our way back to it and recognise that we got lost again, that we got affected by lower energies.

 So I shall be doing all I can to keep the vibration high, to not be drawn down by the system, or by situations that are beyond my control and set my ego wild! It’s all part of the process though, one from a place of contraction to expansion and I’ve a feeling that’s playing out in the wider world. 

By way of validation, I picked by chance (or not!) the Tourmaline crystal card again today, which I think I picked for everybody really, and therefore share with you now:

“Tourmaline helps you to release stress from your body and mind. It reminds you to try to remain positive – no matter what the circumstances are in your life, there is always a silver lining to each cloud.

Compassion and tolerance for yourself and others is needed at this time. Open yourself up to giving and receiving love equally. Surround yourself with positive people that help to keep your energy uplifted”.

Happy Earth day all of you!

Love Emma xx

The reality of online learning and the inner child!

We popped to the beach first thing this morning for a swim at Saints because I felt that I needed the energy of the sea and the sun, and some grounding as the beginning of online learning loomed ahead.

Back home and we used Face-time to connect with my Dad who has very kindly volunteered to help with Elijah’s online learning, and bless him, spent 2 hours yesterday trying to navigate the online portal so we might be prepared for the beginning of Elijah’s official online learning.

Admittedly this probably wasn’t the best time for E to go off shopping but he figured the queues might be easier than usual, so he left me at home with both boys, as will become the norm when he returns to work soon (hopefully for him as a sole trading gardener). The idea was that my Dad would oversee Elijah’s work and I might manage my wild child, who needs lots of attention, especially at the moment as he’s still angry that he can’t see my parents or play with his friends at pre-school.

However, it quickly became apparent that I needed to be involved for the majority of the session with Elijah too. Not least because we needed to use my laptop to access all the online links that were provided through the online learning website, but also because Elijah is only 6 years old and isn’t yet able to write or read without some assistance - and certainly wouldn't have accessed the links on his own or read what he needed to do.

Five minutes in and by then Eben had dressed himself as a fireman and was whacking the walls with his sword. I suggested we might do a jigsaw at the table, and sent him off to retrieve one, but he returned with Pop-up Pirates and as anticipated, this game lasted all of about 2 minutes before he started attacking the pirate with his sword. He wandered off and I turned back to Elijah who needed the next video accessed.

Distracted by assisting Elijah, I just about heard the front door open maybe 5 minutes later, and wondered if it might be the postman, but a minute or so later when I realised it wasn’t the postman and Eben hadn’t re-appeared, I realised it must have been Eben who had gone out the front door unaided. Minor panic ensued as I rushed outside and through the gate to our parking area but couldn’t see him. I ran back in the house and there he was in the back garden, he must have walked around to the back of the cottage all on his own. That was a first. And a last!

My stress levels were now rapidly rising. I retrieved Eben from the back garden and wondered what on earth I might do with him, painting didn't seem the best option, so Dad suggested he join us to watch the Gruffalo on my laptop, Elijah’s next task. So he sat on me for all of a minute, more interested in tapping the keys on my laptop, than watching the video, which always panics me as I wonder if he might find the one button to press that may mean I can never work my laptop again!

So off he went, still wearing his shoes (we’re a shoe-free house and he’d sensibly put these on before letting himself out the front door), to try to find something else to do. Fortunately E arrived home soon after then although I suspect he wished he hadn’t, because the noise of him unpacking the shopping and boiling the kettle, and the noise of Eben firing his pretend gun at us was all too much for Elijah who was constantly distracted, which caused my Dad to suggest that perhaps we should give-up on the rest of the online learning for today. “No!”, I virtually shrieked, “we have to submit work!”.

At this point E found Eben attempting to comb the cat’s fur with his comb, so he proposed that he might take Eben outside and entertain him, while we carried on with the online-learning. So with such relief from me, off they went and I set about trying to sort the account for Elijah on the Class dojo system, but because I was having to use both my phone and my laptop, the WIFI struggled and we lost connection with my Dad! Blinking WIFI!

Fortunately I did manage to get the dojo to work, which is just as well because if not I might literally have hit my head against the table or used Eben’s pretend gun to shoot myself with the despair of it all! Elijah’s long suffering teacher will no doubt be as delighted as me, bless her, she tried to send me a number of links in the hope that one of them might work, and thankfully one of them did, so thank you Karen because I bet you were inundated with other parents unable to work this and that link too!

With WIFI working again and the connection with my Dad re-established, I was finally able to make a cup of tea as Elijah read to him, before I took over with the writing. Once that was done - and it took some effort I can tell you, Elijah is not really interested in this home-learning malarkey, he’d rather be playing (don’t blame him) - I managed to photograph his work and upload it to the class dojo. If I hadn’t have decided that 2020 would be a good year to give sobriety a try, I might have poured myself a very large glass of wine and been done with the day then and there!

Instead, I prepared lunch and tried to catch up on the emails that had come in this morning, including one about increasing my public liability insurance so I might be able to teach yoga at Sausmarez Park this summer. I add that in, to give hope to the fact we might, at some point, before the end of August, join together outside for some yoga without a single device in sight (no mobiles allowed!).

Lunch prepared and E and Eben now back in the cottage, I escaped upstairs and to my mat, where I promptly burst into tears with the stress of it all- and this, I know, ironic given that I’m a yoga teacher! But in that moment I felt like the most useless mother in the world, not least because I’m forcing Elijah to do something he doesn’t want to do and has no interest in doing, but because I’m basically having to ignore my 3-year old to the extent that he leaves the house and wanders off on his own, because I am distracted trying to do the requested online learning set by the powers that be. Nonsense.

I suddenly realised, I as I attempted to move my body and focus on my breath that this whole online-learning debacle has massively triggered inner child stuff, much like the IT issues I have had over the weekend. Just as I would have felt in childhood at some point, both the online learning and IT have brought up a very old pattern of feeling unsafe, powerless and useless. It was a relief to recognise this pattern and to see it for what it is. To know that at some point in the past when those feelings came up I would have reacted by getting stressed, angry and emotional, anything to avoid the uncomfortableness of the initial feelings.

Here we are again…those old feelings of loss of safety (overwhelm), powerfulness and useless have been triggered and I end up getting stressed and angry and emotional. That pattern hasn’t been triggered for a long time, not really, at least not with this intensity. Which is what got me thinking that this is part of a bigger picture, this inner child stuff. I’ve felt it the last few days and it now makes sense to me, and I can’t help thinking that the new moon on Thursday has something to do with this.

The intensity of the combination of lock-down, online learning, Coronavirus, being at home 22 out of 24 hours a day, temperamental WIFI and attempting to teach online, is definitely going to trigger something! And because I’m being triggered, and I’m part of the collective, i suspect that everyone is being triggered in their own way and is experiencing some inner child stuff coming up for them right now.

You’ll know it, because it’ll be a pattern, a certain way that you behave, a certain feeling or feelings that come up when you are feeling really tested and totally out of your comfort zone, when you are feeling vulnerable as you would have done as a child, when it felt as if your world was changing and you had no control over it. You would have reacted a certain way and since then, every time those same emotions of vulnerability and being out of control are triggered, you’ll react in this same way that is rarely helpful, because it is unconscious, it happens without you noticing the role you play in it.

This is the inner child, the part of ourselves that we stashed away because it was too painful to feel the feelings that the child in us was feeling at that time. Yet those feelings are still there and from time to time they will be triggered and we will have the opportunity to see them for what they are, to recognise that it is just our inner child crying out to be held and loved, before we react in a way that we learned to do back then and have been doing ever since, but that just harms us and separates us even more from the inner child, perpetuating the cycle.

Catching myself as I did, and seeing the truth of the situation, I decided then and there that I was done. It is time now - as it is for all of us - to hold my little inner child in my hands as if she is as precious as my own children, and look after her with tolerance, compassion, forgiveness and love. No more will I give her a hard time and respond to her with anger and frustration at that which I can not control. No more will I try and fit Elijah and I into a system that doesn’t work for us, in which we don’t fit right now.

Enough. We will do what we can, Elijah, Dad and I, accessing the online resource when it works for us, but we’re not going to lose sleep over it, or get upset about it, or force Elijah to do stuff that he doesn’t want to do for the sake of his ‘education’. The whole education system needs a shake-up anyhow, but not this way, and not now. I will no longer put Elijah’s ‘education’ above the needs of Eben either. That too is nonsense.

This whole period of my boys life is tricky as it is, cut off from their beloved grandparents and their friends and the wider community, their routine is out the window and they’re missing playing at the park and going swimming, all the usual things that children loved doing. It’s not fair for them having to endure stressed parents who are trying to do their best, but are finding it a bit tricky to manage all that is expected of them by the Education Department, while trying to hold down jobs, go shopping while social distancing, and maintain sanity!

So this afternoon we did the other thing that the inner child needs and that is have fun. We borrowed a dog and we took her to L’Eree where we threw the ball for her and we walked and we laughed and we played. The boys removed their clothes and ran up and down the beach nude, we collected litter and crab shells, we chatted at distance with some friends who happened to be walking past, and we had a jolly good time as a family together.

This is what my children need right now. They need me playing and having fun. They need to be out in nature where they can connect with the elements. They need to be free to explore their world and learn from it. They need to be held as gently as I am now holding my own inner child, showered with compassion and love, not ignored in the quest for education, or forced ‘to do learning’ in a way that is alien to them.

We even popped into the fairy cave, because I longed to feel that ancient energy and to call upon the guardians for strength and protection, to usher more of their wisdom into this world, because if ever we needed it then now is that time. It is extremely calming in the cave, and was definitely a tonic for the soul, and for the inner child, ahead of the new moon.

It’s been a tricky moon cycle that’s for sure, but I’m grateful for the insight that today brought with it, to notice the triggers and the underlying feeling, and to rise above it and find another way to be with it that is not angry or frustrated or negative but is loving and kind and gentle. We are all doing our best. We must remember this. And when something isn’t working, rather than battle against it, it’s a sign to turn the devices off, to get outside and to have fun together, changing the memory into something positive and worth remembering.

Happy new moon you lovely people.

Sending you a huge energy ball filled with Reiki, love and compassion.

Love Emma xx

Online overwhelm and weariness!

I don’t know about anyone else, but I am so weary of being online. Yesterday our internet connection was appalling, and was dropping in and out. 

I was meant to be teaching a Zoom class as part of a virtual retreat, but was unable to access Zoom initially as the WIFI kept going. Then once I was on, there was an issue with the invite, so I set up a new meeting and quickly drafted an email to send out to all the retreat participants, only to find that my email wasn’t working, a combination of the WIFI and a mailbox issue.

My phone has run out of a data, so I was incapable of using that without the WIFI and I realised that I didn’t even have the organiser’s phone number. I had a look in the local phone book but it wasn’t there either. I realised in that moment that I was completely stuck. There was nothing I could do! Or was there…of course, call my parents. But what could they do? Well their phone was engaged so I never got to find out!

Instead I got really frustrated, angry and upset. The whole experience triggered an overwhelming sense of helplessness…the same overwhelming sense of helplessness that IT has a habit of making me feel when it doesn’t work! I should know by now however that this happens from time to time – IT not seemingly working – and that I should learn the lesson from it that it is trying to teach me; rather than get angry and upset, just notice the uncomfortableness of the underlying feeling of helplessness (and uselessness too) and change the pattern, laugh instead, but we live and learn!

It made me think though that it is crazy how much of our lives are now lived online. Even I’m doing it, teaching yoga online in real time, not least to maintain connection with others, but to be able to share yoga at this tricky time. I did wonder yesterday though, if the universe was trying to prompt me offline and I questioned whether I might stop teaching for now. However today it became very clear that even if I wanted to get offline I can’t, not for now.

This because today the online home learning information was sent out. It was a joyful morning actually, because there wasn’t anything to be online for, I mean I was online first thing catching up on emails at the same time that Elijah was having a Facetime session with my Dad who has kindly volunteered to take on some of the home schooling responsibility (he’s an ex-primary headmaster and loves it). But then we got out. Oh the relief of fresh air and no devices in sight!

 Back home for lunch and the boys were straight to their devices as I prepared the food, and then after lunch, Eben managed to accidentally drop his iPad and smash the screen. I don’t know who was most upset about it, me or him. In many respects it was a blessing because both boys have been on their iPads much more than they should be these last few weeks, and it’s been an ongoing daily battle to get them off the devices and playing instead. 

The trouble is, the devices come in very handy when I need to get things done, and I always need to get things done, because there is always washing to do, and a dishwasher to fill/empty, and meals to be made, and admin to be doing, and all the while they are at home with me. I believe that my specialism subject at the moment could well be Ben and Holly because I have heard every episode at least 3 or 4 times over this last month, if I hear much more about the Little Kingdom then I might well get my own wand out and magic it away!

This is not to say that they don’t play, they do, but the devices have been used much more than they would do ordinarily, since being on lockdown, and that saddens me. It saddens me too that I am spending so much more time online, teaching online expands far more energy than teaching my usual schedule, because of all the additional admin, and I am looking forward to that dropping away when we can all touch each other again! So I suppose because I’m online so much already, I could do without the additional online home learning. 

At 2pm today I was meant to be practising with my yoga teacher but she had to cancel and it is just as well she did as the messages started coming in from school, three videos followed by an extensive message from Elijah’s teacher telling us all about the online learning that’s meant to be taking place the next 5 weeks. I could literally feel the heat rising in my body as my stress levels increased and that sense of overwhelm shot in again – it wasn’t the teacher’s fault by the way, she is absolutely lovely and very helpful and trying to make the whole situation as supported as possible. 

At this point Eben was jumping on me, which did nothing to ease my frustration. He continued to wrap himself around my leg as I tried to leave the room, giggling away, thinking it was extremely funny that I couldn’t move properly and here I was getting increasingly incensed by the fact I couldn’t properly focus on the home-schooling email. E had been holding on the phone for 55 minutes by then, trying to speak to Sure to chase our internet upgrade ordered 4 weeks ago, and had to give up to get the boys out of the house so I could calm down and try to get my head around the school stuff.

[When so much of our lives is moving online, it seems crazy to me that you are expected to hold for 55 minutes and still not get to speak to an operator to try to resolve your internet issues. E was holding for 18 minutes last month, on his mobile, and got charged £18 for the privilege, there’s something very unethical about all this.] 

I started questioning whether I might just take Elijah out of the education system this next 5 weeks. He’s enjoying the one to one sessions with Dad and I, and frankly, I could do without the added stress of attempting to submit work online the next few weeks, plus check in online every day and find out about the day’s activities that he’s meant to do, all this with a 3 year old in the house wanting my every attention, and now no iPad to distract him for even ten minites, ha ha ha ha ha ha. 

I’m just grateful I don’t have multiple school-age children, let alone a 9-5 job to do at the same time as ensuring my child/children is/are completing the various tasks expected of them each day. It’s nonsense and I feel sorry for the teachers having this pressure on them and I feel sorry for all you other parents having to someone manage all this. 

By the time E got back, an hour later, I still hadn’t managed to process everything and I was still no closer to setting Elijah up on the school system so that his work can be submitted online. I did think it was crazy that someone with a degree and a professional qualification can’t even work out the instructions for a school system and how to set their child up on it. I clearly don’t have a brain that works well with IT, I’ll definitely stick to Ben and Holly on any quiz choices in the future!

In all seriousness though, I am grateful to my Dad and my Mum for spending 2 hours reading through it all, so that we have a better idea of what to do tomorrow. I’m just praying that the internet holds up, and that when E goes back to work next week, Eben doesn’t sabotage all our lessons, but let’s see, maybe it would be better if the internet just crashed and then we’d have no choice but to try living offline for a bit, although I’d miss teaching! See, can’t win!

I will be pleased though, when we don’t have to be so dependant on being online. I’ve a feeling my eyes might be happier too, not having to stare at a screen so much. My immune system will be stronger without the stress (has anyone in Education actually thought about the impact of all this online stuff on stress levels and health?!). And my hands will definitely be happier, touching and sharing Reiki, rather than tap tapping! The only way to go is to accept it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it! Sending much love and good wishes to all you also struggling with this online living!

Curious

I’ve been reflecting these last few days on the emphasis placed on the Coronavirus vaccine as if it might be the miracle to solve all our problems. 

I suppose I’m curious really because I didn’t think we’d had too much success in vaccinating against viruses in the past. No one has yet found a vaccine to counter the common cold, for example, and while there is a flu vaccine, people still die from flu annually. 

I’ve been trying not to think too much about the animals that are currently being tested upon, presumably against their will, in the race to find a vaccine. I have less concern about the human guinea pigs because I presume they have given their permission – goodness knows what other effect they might discover that is not immediately obvious when the draft vaccine is injected directly into the blood stream, bypassing the body’s natural defences, but that’s not for me to concern myself about. 

Well not for now. But it has highlighted to me how we each hold such different views, not simply on vaccinations but on health and the immune system and fear too. My fear of is of negating my body’s own natural healing capacity by injecting directly into my blood, all manner of things which I won’t be informed about (and probably still not, even if I ask) but will likely include metals and animal products, potentially compromising my immune system and making me more at risk of auto-immune disease.

Others will be more fearful of getting sick from a virus because their immune system is not strong enough perhaps, or they are just literally fearful of getting sick, so would rather inject themselves with something that might prevent them from getting sick, at least in the short term, but might have much wider long term effects that will never be known, because the vaccine will not have been tested on anyone for very long so the correlation (if there is one) will be overlooked. 

This is not to begin a debate about the pros and cons of vaccination, or to judge or abuse others. This is more so that the whole subject makes me very curious, in terms of human behaviour and choices, and our relationship to our bodies and our understanding of health and wellbeing, and what we might do, naturally, to strengthen our immune systems.

I suppose it is this that has made me more curious than anything else – curious why there is not more government directive, or any sort of directive now I come to think about it, about how we might promote our own natural immunity at this critical time. That’s the bit that doesn’t make a huge amount of sense to me, given that our health (or the threat to our health) is front line news and has the whole world in lock-down (I always feel that dramatic music needs to be played when the word is mentioned (not because I don’t take it seriously btw, just because the word is so severe!)).

 It is perhaps reflective of the reason that the NHS is struggling. As fantastic as it is, and as amazing as the staff are, it cannot cope with all this sickness. We are not a well society. We are sick. The Coronavirus is highlighting this. I wonder at which point we should, individually and collectively, be therefore taking greater responsibility for our wellness, so that we don’t need to lean so heavily on the NHS and other medical services to help save us.

See that’s the thing, the NHS or other medical services might be able to save us, but they cannot make us well. They might stop us dying, and they might be able to regulate us with drugs and ease some of our suffering, but they cannot actually make us heal. Only we can heal. Our bodies heal from cuts and bumps and bruises, and our body heals from viruses through rest and recuperation and good food, as Boris Johnson is doing now. 

There follows that only we can really do what is necessary to strengthen our own immune systems, and only we can truly affect our overall own health and wellbeing. This of course comes down to a number of factors, not least what we put into our body, and our relationship to our body (are we constantly punishing it with our negative thoughts and our excessive or non-existent exercise regime)  but also the manner in which we are living our lives individually and collectively. 

 I have a sense that this pause, this break from all the rushing that modern life entails, and this opportunity to get outside and exercise and breathe fresh air will be naturally healing us and strengthening our immune systems. However it is possible that juggling children’s’ education with our own work schedule will be compromising this a little with the stress it brings and the coping mechanisms we engage to help us, such as drinking excess wine and eating junk food!

 But heck, it’s not to judge, because we are all doing the best we can in this unusual and yet memorable time in history. And who knows how it will unfold, and what lesson we will learn and whether it will ultimately lead to us becoming a more conscious, healthy and well society and planet. That’s my hope, but only time will tell and until then I shall stay curious and keep questioning my fears and triggers!

Yesterday was not a good day

Yesterday was not a good day.

On the whole I have managed to stay positive about lockdown, but yesterday I longed for silence and space. I have always needed silence and space and this for me was one of the trickiest things about having children - it became increasingly difficult to find silence and apace unless I stayed up half the night…which inevitably left me feeling exhausted and this took a few years to heal when I finally learned!

I found other ways to experience silence and space, going swimming on my own at the pool, sitting in a bath (which I can’t do now due to the flood and the plumber not working on non-emergency things), as if this became a sacred space for mummy, free from disruption, and of course the joy of my parents and Ewan and his Mum taking the children out so I could enjoy pottering in silence on my own for a few hours, bliss!

I love my children but yesterday I just wanted some peace. Eben is especially tricky at the moment, he’s three and he’s angry and frustrated with the new arrangements which means he can’t see my parents and play with Baba. He’s constantly trying to harm the cat, or harm his brother, shouting and screaming if he doesn’t get his own way, I thought my head might burst, no bath or pool to escape to, and even when I manage to get on my mat, he will often come and interrupt, escaping daddy’s watchful gaze (or not so watchful as it turn out!).

So yesterday I was feeling a little aggrieved by lockdown. Yesterday I needed space. Yesterday I longed for a day when I didn’t have to cook for anyone, clean up after anyone, do any washing, be asked a million questions, have to break up a million fights (or so it feels), be constantly jumped on (or so it feels) by Eben and not have anyone talk at me or to me or in any way make a single noise or demand a single thing from me.

Of course I wrestled with this, thinking that one has to be careful for what one wishes and of course I don’t want to wish anything bad on my children, I just wanted a break. That’s all. Just a few hours.

I never really did get that few hours, but I did manage a quick run around the block to release the pent up frustration, and once the children were finally in bed, in that previous hour and a half I get before I then go to bed, I sat on my own and I wrote and I listened to beautiful soulful music, I treated myself to some Athene Sholl raw sapphire earrings from her online shop Etsy (I felt the need for crystals), and I even ate some chocolate. I fed my soul, in the only ways I know how. I then went to bed and read my book.

Today has started differently. After my meditation, I didn’t look at the news and I didn’t try to work alongside the children. I came upstairs, put on the soulful music and worked in peace, without being distracted by Eben constantly jumping on me. I couldn’t have done that without E and I’m grateful he gets it. It’s intense being together as a family with the children 24/7, there’s a reason he’s a solitary gardener, he’s missing the pottering peace too!

Today will be a better day. Today I shall wear rose quartz. Today I shall burn lavender oil. Today I shall listen to more soulful music and chant mantra. I shall pray and commune with the Goddess. Today I have a lesson with my teacher so will connect with my breath and listen in. Today I will make cakes with Eben. Today we will go to the beach to exercise and swim. Today we’ll play in the garden. Today I will connect with my meditation and Reiki group. Today all is well. Today I can look forward to my new earrings arriving. Today I will see my parents on Facetime. All will be OK.

Love Emma x