Yesterday was not a good day
Yesterday was not a good day.
On the whole I have managed to stay positive about lockdown, but yesterday I longed for silence and space. I have always needed silence and space and this for me was one of the trickiest things about having children - it became increasingly difficult to find silence and apace unless I stayed up half the night…which inevitably left me feeling exhausted and this took a few years to heal when I finally learned!
I found other ways to experience silence and space, going swimming on my own at the pool, sitting in a bath (which I can’t do now due to the flood and the plumber not working on non-emergency things), as if this became a sacred space for mummy, free from disruption, and of course the joy of my parents and Ewan and his Mum taking the children out so I could enjoy pottering in silence on my own for a few hours, bliss!
I love my children but yesterday I just wanted some peace. Eben is especially tricky at the moment, he’s three and he’s angry and frustrated with the new arrangements which means he can’t see my parents and play with Baba. He’s constantly trying to harm the cat, or harm his brother, shouting and screaming if he doesn’t get his own way, I thought my head might burst, no bath or pool to escape to, and even when I manage to get on my mat, he will often come and interrupt, escaping daddy’s watchful gaze (or not so watchful as it turn out!).
So yesterday I was feeling a little aggrieved by lockdown. Yesterday I needed space. Yesterday I longed for a day when I didn’t have to cook for anyone, clean up after anyone, do any washing, be asked a million questions, have to break up a million fights (or so it feels), be constantly jumped on (or so it feels) by Eben and not have anyone talk at me or to me or in any way make a single noise or demand a single thing from me.
Of course I wrestled with this, thinking that one has to be careful for what one wishes and of course I don’t want to wish anything bad on my children, I just wanted a break. That’s all. Just a few hours.
I never really did get that few hours, but I did manage a quick run around the block to release the pent up frustration, and once the children were finally in bed, in that previous hour and a half I get before I then go to bed, I sat on my own and I wrote and I listened to beautiful soulful music, I treated myself to some Athene Sholl raw sapphire earrings from her online shop Etsy (I felt the need for crystals), and I even ate some chocolate. I fed my soul, in the only ways I know how. I then went to bed and read my book.
Today has started differently. After my meditation, I didn’t look at the news and I didn’t try to work alongside the children. I came upstairs, put on the soulful music and worked in peace, without being distracted by Eben constantly jumping on me. I couldn’t have done that without E and I’m grateful he gets it. It’s intense being together as a family with the children 24/7, there’s a reason he’s a solitary gardener, he’s missing the pottering peace too!
Today will be a better day. Today I shall wear rose quartz. Today I shall burn lavender oil. Today I shall listen to more soulful music and chant mantra. I shall pray and commune with the Goddess. Today I have a lesson with my teacher so will connect with my breath and listen in. Today I will make cakes with Eben. Today we will go to the beach to exercise and swim. Today we’ll play in the garden. Today I will connect with my meditation and Reiki group. Today all is well. Today I can look forward to my new earrings arriving. Today I will see my parents on Facetime. All will be OK.
Love Emma x
