Online overwhelm and weariness!
I don’t know about anyone else, but I am so weary of being online. Yesterday our internet connection was appalling, and was dropping in and out.
I was meant to be teaching a Zoom class as part of a virtual retreat, but was unable to access Zoom initially as the WIFI kept going. Then once I was on, there was an issue with the invite, so I set up a new meeting and quickly drafted an email to send out to all the retreat participants, only to find that my email wasn’t working, a combination of the WIFI and a mailbox issue.
My phone has run out of a data, so I was incapable of using that without the WIFI and I realised that I didn’t even have the organiser’s phone number. I had a look in the local phone book but it wasn’t there either. I realised in that moment that I was completely stuck. There was nothing I could do! Or was there…of course, call my parents. But what could they do? Well their phone was engaged so I never got to find out!
Instead I got really frustrated, angry and upset. The whole experience triggered an overwhelming sense of helplessness…the same overwhelming sense of helplessness that IT has a habit of making me feel when it doesn’t work! I should know by now however that this happens from time to time – IT not seemingly working – and that I should learn the lesson from it that it is trying to teach me; rather than get angry and upset, just notice the uncomfortableness of the underlying feeling of helplessness (and uselessness too) and change the pattern, laugh instead, but we live and learn!
It made me think though that it is crazy how much of our lives are now lived online. Even I’m doing it, teaching yoga online in real time, not least to maintain connection with others, but to be able to share yoga at this tricky time. I did wonder yesterday though, if the universe was trying to prompt me offline and I questioned whether I might stop teaching for now. However today it became very clear that even if I wanted to get offline I can’t, not for now.
This because today the online home learning information was sent out. It was a joyful morning actually, because there wasn’t anything to be online for, I mean I was online first thing catching up on emails at the same time that Elijah was having a Facetime session with my Dad who has kindly volunteered to take on some of the home schooling responsibility (he’s an ex-primary headmaster and loves it). But then we got out. Oh the relief of fresh air and no devices in sight!
Back home for lunch and the boys were straight to their devices as I prepared the food, and then after lunch, Eben managed to accidentally drop his iPad and smash the screen. I don’t know who was most upset about it, me or him. In many respects it was a blessing because both boys have been on their iPads much more than they should be these last few weeks, and it’s been an ongoing daily battle to get them off the devices and playing instead.
The trouble is, the devices come in very handy when I need to get things done, and I always need to get things done, because there is always washing to do, and a dishwasher to fill/empty, and meals to be made, and admin to be doing, and all the while they are at home with me. I believe that my specialism subject at the moment could well be Ben and Holly because I have heard every episode at least 3 or 4 times over this last month, if I hear much more about the Little Kingdom then I might well get my own wand out and magic it away!
This is not to say that they don’t play, they do, but the devices have been used much more than they would do ordinarily, since being on lockdown, and that saddens me. It saddens me too that I am spending so much more time online, teaching online expands far more energy than teaching my usual schedule, because of all the additional admin, and I am looking forward to that dropping away when we can all touch each other again! So I suppose because I’m online so much already, I could do without the additional online home learning.
At 2pm today I was meant to be practising with my yoga teacher but she had to cancel and it is just as well she did as the messages started coming in from school, three videos followed by an extensive message from Elijah’s teacher telling us all about the online learning that’s meant to be taking place the next 5 weeks. I could literally feel the heat rising in my body as my stress levels increased and that sense of overwhelm shot in again – it wasn’t the teacher’s fault by the way, she is absolutely lovely and very helpful and trying to make the whole situation as supported as possible.
At this point Eben was jumping on me, which did nothing to ease my frustration. He continued to wrap himself around my leg as I tried to leave the room, giggling away, thinking it was extremely funny that I couldn’t move properly and here I was getting increasingly incensed by the fact I couldn’t properly focus on the home-schooling email. E had been holding on the phone for 55 minutes by then, trying to speak to Sure to chase our internet upgrade ordered 4 weeks ago, and had to give up to get the boys out of the house so I could calm down and try to get my head around the school stuff.
[When so much of our lives is moving online, it seems crazy to me that you are expected to hold for 55 minutes and still not get to speak to an operator to try to resolve your internet issues. E was holding for 18 minutes last month, on his mobile, and got charged £18 for the privilege, there’s something very unethical about all this.]
I started questioning whether I might just take Elijah out of the education system this next 5 weeks. He’s enjoying the one to one sessions with Dad and I, and frankly, I could do without the added stress of attempting to submit work online the next few weeks, plus check in online every day and find out about the day’s activities that he’s meant to do, all this with a 3 year old in the house wanting my every attention, and now no iPad to distract him for even ten minites, ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I’m just grateful I don’t have multiple school-age children, let alone a 9-5 job to do at the same time as ensuring my child/children is/are completing the various tasks expected of them each day. It’s nonsense and I feel sorry for the teachers having this pressure on them and I feel sorry for all you other parents having to someone manage all this.
By the time E got back, an hour later, I still hadn’t managed to process everything and I was still no closer to setting Elijah up on the school system so that his work can be submitted online. I did think it was crazy that someone with a degree and a professional qualification can’t even work out the instructions for a school system and how to set their child up on it. I clearly don’t have a brain that works well with IT, I’ll definitely stick to Ben and Holly on any quiz choices in the future!
In all seriousness though, I am grateful to my Dad and my Mum for spending 2 hours reading through it all, so that we have a better idea of what to do tomorrow. I’m just praying that the internet holds up, and that when E goes back to work next week, Eben doesn’t sabotage all our lessons, but let’s see, maybe it would be better if the internet just crashed and then we’d have no choice but to try living offline for a bit, although I’d miss teaching! See, can’t win!
I will be pleased though, when we don’t have to be so dependant on being online. I’ve a feeling my eyes might be happier too, not having to stare at a screen so much. My immune system will be stronger without the stress (has anyone in Education actually thought about the impact of all this online stuff on stress levels and health?!). And my hands will definitely be happier, touching and sharing Reiki, rather than tap tapping! The only way to go is to accept it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it! Sending much love and good wishes to all you also struggling with this online living!
