Oh, that moon and shadows

As I expected, the minute I gave up my attachment to my 'delayed/lost’ bag, and started replacing the more practical items, it appeared. The process itself, though, did take me on quite an inner journey, and I shouldn’t have been surprised really, given the potency of that full moon and spending so much time in its rays in stone circles. Full moons have a habit of shining a light into the shadows and certainly a couple of shadows have revealed themselves since.

Not least sentimental attachment to objects (did I mention I lost Eben’s blanket…for a day, what a stress) but confusion that the universe would separate me from the rose quartz and clear quartz I’ve carried on many a dolmen visitation these last few years, let alone the fact I popped the bag in a bubble of Reiki energy with symbols too, for protection. But then, I realise that I’m on a couple of Reiki 21 day cleanses, having undertaken a number of attunements recently, so of course, Reiki was working its magic in helping me to awaken to a few patterns and learn from them.

The principle lessons were of faith in the goodness of humanity and of trusting in the universe. Patience was thrown in there too, the Runes were right about that, and while on some level i knew this to be true - that I needed to be patient - this awareness didn’t stop me getting myself into quite a state, now three days into the bag not turning up and no one from the UK baggage handlers updating me on the situation.

It was this lack of communication that sent my mind into a total spin and triggered an old core belief, that I discovered when I dug deeper into the acute anxiety mode I found myself (by then) in. I knew it was a pattern, because I had felt exactly the same when my friend, Marie, died last year. Obviously one cannot compare the loss of a bag to the loss of a friend, but at its source loss is loss and can trigger the same emotional response, one of feeling totally out of control, because there is absolutely nothing we can do to change the situation.

It was this feeling of being out of control that was really bothering me about the bag. I wasn’t in control. I had an email address but no number, there was nothing I could do, no one to talk to, no one to ask for help, bar my family, who were amazingly helpful and did what they could (and my mum especially, who even retrieved the bag from the airport and waved all my clothes before delivery it home!) . Really, it was an opportunity to surrender, the full moon has all been about surrender after all, but for whatever reason i was struggling with that.

Arriving into Kirkwall in Orkney my bag hadn't made it with me then either; delayed flights and close flight connections made the whole journey rather stressful, but at the same time I knew it was all a lesson in surrendering to it, come what may. It was OK on the outbound, borrowing clothes from my friend and patiently waiting for my bag to arrive the next day, distracted by cairns and stone circles, but back here, on the return leg and with one day becoming two, becoming three and a Sark retreat ahead and all my leggings in my lost luggage, well I wasn’t doing so well at the surrendering!

But there was something else at play, something deeper still, that underlay this feeling of being out of control. This I discovered, when I dug even deeper into this ridiculous stomach churning anxiety I was feeling, was a very old core belief, probably laid down in childhood, around the world being essentially unsafe and people essentially lacking goodness. I know this isn’t true. I’m not normally a catastrophist, I try to see the good in humanity and I am aware of the support of the universe, but for whatever reason, a strand of the old core belief is still there, deep within, and clearly there are some situations, around loss it would seem, and feeling utterly out of control, which trigger it.

The anxiety was crippling. I feel very sorry for people who feel this feeling all the time. Anxiety is horrible. I felt nauseous and restless and agitated, totally on edge, emotional and unable to sleep at night. Fortunately it only lasted a couple of days, but it is a feeling that has popped up a few times this last month, clearly it was trying to get my attention, and all the travel a perfect opportunity, with leaving the children, tight flight connections and two Sark retreats too, plenty of opportunity for my faith being tested and my ability to trust, let go, and surrender, hmm.

Yep, I’m not sure I did that well with the test. I mean I got it eventually, Sark gave me the space to see it clearly, bag retrieved by then. But this was of course after the anxiety had set in. Urgh. Its something I write about in my new book, because I used to get anxious, but I developed ways of avoiding having to feel it, including various OCD tendencies, an eating disorder, smoking cannabis, drinking wine, over exercising and keeping busy!

Over time, as my mind has been positively impacted by the yoga, Reiki and Ayurveda, the thought pattens that led to feelings of anxiety - because of my mind’s imaginings, and the fear that accompanied this - have changed and the coping mechanisms gradually dropped away. But clearly there was still something there, some fear around loss of control and the world being a scary and unsafe place and people inherently unhelpful and uncaring.

[It does concern me though that we are becoming an increasingly automated and online society, lacking in personal touch, face to face communication, customer service and care. We are also becoming increasingly greedy, higher prices for less service, hidden charges and always this emphasis on the bottom line, still putting profit before everything else. What concerns me is that people make this all happen, they work for the companies and make the decisions that essentially put in place all these hidden charges, automated systems, and pressure for online living].

Anyway, the lessons have been learned, I have seen the bigger picture and the manner in which I allowed an old mental pattern and outdated and unhelpful core belief to be triggered. Now I’ve seen it, now the shadow has been brought into the light, I can let it go, or at least be more conscious of it in the future, so I can catch myself quicker, before I enter into a ridiculous and unnecessary state of anxiety, which was simply brought on by my mind. The mind is so clever and yet so dangerous at times.

The fear of loss of safety is huge. Funnily enough, it’s something I have been studying lately, in the body, how we hold onto these patterns, I have a tendency to hold onto it in my knees and thighs, and working recently into my knees and thighs with my yoga teacher, it’s perhaps no surprise this has all come up at the same time. The body keeps score after all, and as we explore deeper levels, well the old patterns start to pop up to be cleared, not only from the muscle memory of the body, but from our mind too, releasing us from our crap and enlightening us - literally lightening us - in the process.

It’s never an easy process as those of you going through your own healing crises will know. But it is a necessary process as we let go of our past and aren’t so restricted by it and the core beliefs we have taken on about ourselves and the world, which keep us literally tied to the past. I find it all very fascinating.

The Sark retreat was amazing, but more on that another time.

Love Emma x