This Motherhood Malarkey!
Wow, it's hard to believe that my youngest, Eben, turned one today. That was some year and some introduction to son number two with him arriving six weeks early, my water's breaking on the super full moon half way through a yoga retreat I was running in Herm...
...a year on and my poor little man was sick on the October Herm retreat, which brought with it its challenges. I was a little bit sick too, a combination of pre-school bugs, sleep deprivation and Reiki healing.
All in all this set things up for a fairly rocky road this last week with the new moon energy building and definitely encouraging a huge letting go, bringing us to our knees...or in my case onto my back on the road at Petit Bot, in despair, tears flowing, feeling deserted by my guardian angels and all the strength and support of the Universe. My lying on my back was me trying to ground. And because I was just too tired to keep going a moment longer.
I thought I'd got it out my system but back at home, and preparing for the first birthday party I had a message to call the bank. There followed a frustrating 40 minute experience, which found me crying, yes crying, on the phone to the second person I spoke to when I failed the security test and he told me I'd need to phone back. "but do you not realise I have a birthday cake to make and a party to run in 20 minutes", I sobbed in despair. "Madam, I'm very sorry but you will need to telephone again, you've failed security".
So I telephoned again, trying to compose myself and lo and behold it turns out I was talking to the business people and needed to be speaking to the personal client people, so it's not surprising I failed the test, and so more waiting, me in tears, my Mum arrived and gave me a much needed hug, stress levels going into overdrive and finally I spoke to the fourth person and issue resolved.
So suffice it to say that today I conclude that this this motherhood malarkey is exhausting. It's not just the sleep deprivation but the endless concern and, hmmm, dare I say worry. Yes I know I know, I'm a Reiki teacher and practitioner and one of the Reiki principles is "for today, do not worry", because as we all know worrying just wastes energy and changes nothing...other than your stress levels and facial lines. But it's difficult not to worry sometimes.
This week Elijah's been testing because Eben's been ill with an ear infection was it happens. So this meant he had to have antibiotics, which go against everything I stand up against...I've spent a year trying to heal his gut from the antibiotics he was prescribed at birth and now here a year on, another dose, and all because we're flying tomorrow and we couldn't risk the infection getting worse. As it was he was hitting his head and rubbing his ears and vomiting with the coughing.
Then because Eben's been poorly and clinging to my waist or my breasts, well suckling from my breasts, but you know what I mean, Elijah's been even more challenging than usual because he wants attention. He also loathes preschool, or at least he loathes the idea of it so that's got me thinking...and pondering...because another thing I'm passionate about is education, and not education like we currently know it, at least not here in the UK.
And then of course the packing for India. Okay the list could go on. I feel much calmer now. Birthday party went well, cake was eaten, a walk in nature, children fed and bathed and into bed, a lovely relaxing lavender bath and then a quiet and gentle yoga practice in silence, with the patchouli oil burning and the calming sodalite bracelet on my wrist. It's good to be reminded of our humanness sometimes...there's another day tomorrow and let's face it, "all is well". x
Thinking, thinking, thinking...
I attended my second yoga class since Eben was born. What a joy! I practice yoga on my mat every day on my own and sometimes I practice along to YouTube yoga videos (Adrienne is a particular favourite) but there’s nothing quite as wonderful as attending a class. It’s a passion of mine.
I love nothing more than joining other yogis and yoginis in a dedicated yoga space to practice together. And I love a good teacher who is able to guide me to a deeper awareness of being. So I was in my yoga heaven yesterday when I joined Kevin and the Saturday morning class at the Brighton Buddhist Centre.
In the peaceful environment of the yoga space, I quickly became aware of the hectic nature of my mind. It’s easier to overlook this in one’s own practice, sometimes merely going through the motions and often increasing the pace to meet the mind rather than slowing down to try and tame the mind.
My mind was in overdrive. Within the first few minutes of movement, I noticed my mind thinking about a forthcoming Reiki attunement session and planning the food I should prepare for this and putting together a list of ingredients. I caught myself as I drifted into Waitrose and down the aisles, identifying the location of the ingredients I will need to buy.
I had a good laugh at myself. I may well have been physically present on my yoga mat in Brighton but my mind was in the future in a shop in Guernsey. As for my spirit? I knew it was there but my mind was too noisy to hear it. Before I knew it, I’d drifted from Waitrose to Infinity Foods in Brighton as I planned the food I was going to buy after the class.
I laughed again and brought my awareness back to the moment and back to the breath coming in and out, ujjayi breath, steadying, centring and calming. From the breath my awareness moved to sensation in the body to further ground me in the present. I was aware how it felt to move into Downward Facing dog and from there the relief of resting in Pose of a Child.
It was a wonderful feeling really. There was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. The thoughts kept coming but I was more aware of not becoming engaged with them and just noticing them instead. This was easier at times than others, because sometimes the thoughts drag you in.
In yoga, we talk of cultivating equanimity, of being able to ‘stand in the middle of all this’, of being grounded, sane and ordinary. It’s about noticing how our mind works and getting familiar with it, recognising the hooks, the temptations, the things that drag you in. I was certainly noticing this during the class, it was much more apparent probably because I haven’t been to a class for a while now.
The practice offers us the opportunity to see what’s happening without getting hooked, without having a drama, noticing that everything arises, abides and dissolves. I love that we can embody this in our yoga practice. We inhale and arise into a pose, we stay abiding in that pose and then we exhale, dissolving out of the pose. And in this whole process we have the opportunity to learn how our mind works, and to get more familiar with it.
Yoga is amazing for many reasons, but especially as it offers us the opportunity to train the mind. This does involve some effort, as it can be hard work to let go of the seductive thoughts, the thinking that throws us off centre and draws us in. It’s a constant practice to keep coming back to the breath, to notice that you are thinking, and being able to resist going after the thoughts, which, like our asana practice, arise, abide and dissolve.
Only that sometimes – well actually quite a lot sometimes – we abide within the thoughts. And our thoughts give rise to behaviour patterns and beliefs that shape our life. We create our reality by our thinking. In simplistic terms this means that if we have negative thoughts then we are more likely to have a negative experience and a negative perception of life. Our thinking affects our biochemistry so negative thinking can create dis-ease.
Our yoga practice offers us the opportunity to not only move the body and breathe but also to witness our thoughts as they arise, abide and dissolve, strengthening our mind in the process. Furthermore, it can provide us with the opportunity to notice the nature of the thinking. How is it for us? Has the habitual thinking given rise to a negative behaviour pattern or to a belief which is no longer serving us? Are we fearful or anxious? Are we constantly giving ourselves a hard time?
Often these patterns are laid down in childhood and we don’t question them, just considering that that is how it is – inherited as they’ve been from society, culture and our parents. We forget that everything is impermanent, that life is not linear. Instead it’s full of movement, fluidity and potential. We just have to recognise the nature of our thinking and not get stuck in our thinking patterns!
I remind myself of this as we practice a number of asana, to notice my habitual way of thinking and it’s liberating. To be able to stand back and notice the arising thoughts, allowing them to abide and then dissolve, they’re not me!
With that I feel lighter, not least physically but also mentally. There is a pause between thoughts, a silence. I long for more of those silences. Those liminal spaces. That gap between the inhalation and the exhalation and between the exhalation and the inhalation. That space where magic happens. That’s the reason I also love Yoga Nidra, it’s full of liminal spaces.
After the class I headed to a crystal shop and chose a Goddess card before having my tarot cards read by a beautiful lady called Nina. Both of them told me what I’d already realised. It’s time to retreat to silence and calm the mind. It’s true what they say, that we teach that which we most need to learn, but that makes sense doesn’t it, otherwise how would we know.
The effects of the class continued into the day. I kept catching myself when the hooks presented themselves. The victim/martyr archetype kept showing up and I had to reel myself back from getting hooked. It is what it is. We create our own reality. Equanimity. It’s a life long practice, of arising, abiding and dissolving, taking it all very lightly and questioning the thinking!
Ramblings on the energy shifting going on out there
The energy shifted about lunchtime today and has continued to ease all afternoon and into the evening. I can't tell you the relief.
It's been pretty intense out there since the lunar eclipse and full moon back on Monday 7 August, encouraging us to let go and heal.
The Lionsgate Portal was activated on Tuesday 8 August 2017. This happens when the Sun aligns with the Star, Sirius, which is bigger and brighter than our own sun. It's known as the spiritual sun and is understood to hold knowledge and wisdom from higher vibratory realms.
When the Sun and Sirius are aligned, their energies intensify and Mother Earth receives "light energy" from both of these celestial entities - greater consciousness comes in and this affects our own energy. Essentially two of the greatest lights in the sky have shone on us - hoorah for the healing this potentially provides,
The trouble is, life thereafter may not resonate in the same way. We've been turned up a notch and the old stuff on the lower vibration that is no longer serving us needs to drop away - or at least it becomes increasingly difficult to ignore the call for change.
It's been tough. Like you, I've been encouraged to question every aspect of my life and its truth - is it aligned? In some cases no, and those have had to go, are going, will go.
The eclipses bring light to the shadows. It's challenging seeing the shadows come to light. Did I really create my own reality? Must I really take responsibility for this? Well yes, it is time. It's time to drop the victim/martyr role and to take responsibility for how your life unfolds. All of it. There isn't a place for the blame game if we want to heal the present and indeed the future.
It's tricky to get your head around but really the future creates the present. So be clear when you are envisioning this. You can change the past, that's easy, not least with Reiki, but by changing your mind about a few things. It's magic really.
Then there was the solar eclipse and new moon on Monday 21st August, the second new moon in Leo too. This brought in big shifting energy for so many of us who have been left exhausted and wondering what is going on.
Bits of the old have come up again. Uncomfortable edgy energy. I had a day of acute anxiety from year's ago now, which caught me in my tracks and I sat with it rather than trying to numb it as I may have done previously. There was nothing to fear, it was just energy, and an "anxiety relief" yoga practice grounding to the Earth was all that was needed. Well that and some Nadi Shodhana pranayama.
There's been a huge amount of sadness too, and I could feel my heart space tight and heavy. I've cried a lot. The tears just come from nowhere at times. It didn't help that my cat died and my brother returned to Australia; but in many respects they both gifted healing in their respective departures, one to higher realms, the other to the other side of this world.
There are five planets going retrograde during August too. Going retrograde means that the planet looks like it is going backwards, only its not, it just appears to do so because of the relative positions of the planet and Earth and how they're moving around the sun.
Mercury retrograde is definitely the one I'm feeling. It complicates communication, or at least can make communication tricky, especially in families. Furthermore it affects electrical devices (both TV and printer have been playing up) and can make it difficult to move things forward. It's a shaky time and not one within which to make big decisions or sign contracts.
I've not been able to make any big decisions because I've had no clarity about anything (other than cancelling the Women's Wellness Weekend on Herm as I wasn't feeling it and nor were others). Ive not had any clarity because the eclipses have pulled up my roots so that I can weed them a bit.
It's difficult to have clarity when one is uprooted. However today I felt the shift and the tears have dried. I'm aware that it's now time to re-root those roots that need re-rooting again and let the others go on the compost pile. The clarity is beginning to come through again. It really is very simple. We need to simplify. Not just me, but you too. We all need to start simplifying and remembering our truth. The Universe is reminding us to slow down and to be patient.
We're all receiving energy updates and upgrades and the Universe it reminding us to slow down and be patient. I'd wait until Mercury is no longer retrograde (5th September) and the celestial terrain calms a bit before making any leaps.
I can't tell you the relief it is to know this now. There have been times this last month when I've been questioning my own mind - I'm not going mad after all, these feelings are valid and real! And the chances are that if you;re reading these words then you're feeling it too.
Good. The world needs lighter people. But commit. Don't go "urrmmm arrrrrr", "do I, don't I". Just commit to whatever is needed to take greater responsibility for your reality and also for the state of this planet. It means dropping in, even if it gets messy. Do the inner work, that's the key. No one else can do it for you and talking about it won't make the change either.
So look within, breathe in and out, trust, and notice the support from the Universe coming in.
With love xxx
The Sark Folk Festival and Nesting!
At sixteen weeks, just like a light switch being switched, the sickness disappeared as quickly as it had arrived, and life returned to some semblance of normality again, whatever that is! Well for two weeks at least, because strangely, at eighteen weeks, that familiar nausea sensation returned, albeit not as all consuming as it had been previously, thankfully.
It coincided with us attending the Sark Folk Festival so I concluded that it was probably due to this. But sadly it has continued a little ever since. Hormones. Or perhaps tiredness. Because let’s face it, festival-ling is exhausting at the best of times, let alone when you’re pregnant and have a toddler in tow, and you’re cycling everywhere!
It was a strange weekend really. My parents were meant to accompany us for the first night, but they had to cancel at the last minute. This was a real shame, although it did mean that we were kindly given their room at Stocks, one of the few hotels on Sark and a very lovely and indeed expensive one at that. It was an absolute treat for us really, most definitely the highlight of the weekend (thank you Mum and Dad!).
Not only was it lovely to chill out at the hotel before the festival on the Friday, but it was really rather amazing to cycle back there with Elijah that early evening freezing cold and tired, and enjoy such un-expected festival luxury - a warm, clean and comfortable room, the opportunity to make endless cups of tea at the flick of a button (rather than having to boil water on the campsite!), take a shower and lie back on that huge bed, all the while knowing my poor friends were camping in a field instead (tee hee, sorry Vic!)
Waking the next morning was pretty amazing too; it’s blissfully peaceful at the hotel, not a sound in the air, well aside from our squeals as we attempted to make the most of the outdoor swimming pool, albeit the air temperature at 14 degrees at that stage! But we warmed up with a free breakfast and all in all I managed to squeeze in four showers while we were staying there, not just because I have an OCD shower thing but because I was at a festival and I could. Ha!
The weather was a little challenging over the weekend to say the least, the intense wind grew very waring and the air temperature was much cooler than you would expect at this time of year. Plus, the rain arrived, which I guess is part and parcel of festival-ling but an irritation nonetheless! Still we managed to go ahead with the pre-planned festival yoga classes and I’m very grateful to those who made the effort to attend.
The Saturday class was a particular highlight as I was joined by a number of yogis and yoginis on the bottom field, near to the hedge, which provided some relief from the incessant wind, and provided incredible views out to sea and of Guernsey in the distance. It doesn’t get much better than that, a yoga class with a view and a yoga class in the great outdoors too. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, spending time in nature is essential, in my humble opinion, for the happiness of our soul. It makes us feel alive.
And practicing yoga in the elements like this, on uneven earth – the real earth with all its energy and earthiness – in the sunshine, with the wind blowing against our skin and the sound of the birds and the insects crawling on us, well it doesn’t get more special, more uplifting for the soul, than this. I certainly felt better for it, and it’s always lovely to share yoga outdoors like this.
The Sunday morning the weather was not so kind and I was amazed that so many braved the wet weather to join me for a class back on the earth, in the corner of the two main tents, with a lovely man playing his music and singing his songs on one of the stages and the sound guys setting up for ‘Big Sheep’ (I LOVE this band) on the other, so that voice projection was a bit of an issue. But we still managed a good forty minutes of yoga to stretch away the aches and pains from the camping and all the cycling and walking. Nothing like yoga at a festival to make the spirit shine!
I’m not so sure that camping on the Saturday made the spirit shine though. Returning to our tent at La Valette campsite that Saturday lunchtime from Stock’s was a bit of a low point, what with the intense winds blowing across the field so that it was really rather unpleasant, and indeed cold, sitting outside! And I don’t know who I was kidding thinking that we could get Elijah to take his lunchtime nap in a tent. It was bright, hot and very noisy what with all the wind. He looked at me, laughed and proceeded to jump around on the airbeds, what fun, Mummy and Daddy had brought a trampoline along camping with them!!
So we thought we’d get him to sleep out on the bikes, but our tractor-crazy son just laughed at us again as he pointed out all the tractors and the bumpy roads and all the tractor and bike tracks on the roads itself – this funny boy is also obsessed by tracks, utterly obsessed. Sigh. We had a lovely cycle around the Island however, albeit the wind making it a bit of a mission and a little chilly at that so that it was actually quite a relief to return to our hot and bright tent, even with the now-hyper-child-who-was-missing-a-nap in tow!
Typically, he fell asleep on the way back to the festival that later afternoon, a massive ‘no. no’ in the world of napping, and he napped his way through the next hour or so while we sat in one of the tents, enjoying the relief of finally escaping the wind and hearing some music in the background - mind you not that the music was appreciated by my fellow festival-goers this year. While Elijah found the music too loud the others concluded that folk music was just not their thing, which was a bit of a pity as I love it!!
So while our friends drank their way through the festival, all Elijah wanted to do was get outside and hang around the tractors parked up around the side of the field. This was not what I had had in mind when I booked the tickets for the weekend, I had hoped for a lot more sitting around watching, and perhaps a little dancing to, music rather than standing around checking out the tractors in the freezing cold wind but one does what one does – I’m going on my own next year though!
We returned to the campsite that evening with a sense of resignation. After a night in Stock’s it was a little disappointing to say the least, although there was a positive because it was a lovely evening and we were on our own to enjoy it. So while Elijah played with his toy tractor making tracks along, well the track, I took myself off to the bench on the edge of the cliff by the Lighthouse to enjoy the solitude and tranquillity of being all on my own and watching nature unfold before my very eyes, bliss.
All three of us were in bed before darkness had fallen, and I laugh when I reflect back on this now, because E and I were exhausted and desperate to go to sleep and just get on with it, the night in the tent that is, but Elijah was having none of it and was bouncing and jumping around having lots of fun on his ‘trampoline’ and I was desperately trying not to chuckle as E was trying to be stern with him but Elijah just ignored him and continued jumping and giggling.
Still all good things must come to an end and finally we settled Elijah down between us and there followed a rather long night for E and I, where neither of us felt like we got any sleep what with the noise of the festival revellers returning, the discomfort of the blow-up mattress (really not very comfortable at the best of times, let alone while pregnant!) and the sound of the wind and the rain, yes rain, outside the tent. Sigh.
It was with some relief to reach 6am and feel like we could get up and get on with the day – there’s nothing quite like waking in a tent to find that there is sheet rain and fog outside, and knowing that you need to take the tent down in it however, yuck! Still there was a positive, the queue for the shower was short as a result of this so Elijah and I managed our sixth shower of the weekend and dressed in our waterproofs (well done E for making sure we had these with us!) we took down the tent – after a cup of tea boiled on the camp stove of course!
By 9.30am it was done, tent packed, rain easing and we were back at the festival site for the Sunday morning yoga class and a few hours of music before returning home. It was a lovely Sunday actually, the festival takes on a more leisurely pace in my opinion and we very much enjoyed – even Elijah – listening to ‘The Big Sheep’. Still, it was good to get back home and unpack from the weekend, and take a quick dip in the sea to clear the energy of a rather lumpy boat journey and then collapse – ah yes festival-going, camping and all that outdoor air certainly got the better of me!
Still, aside from the tiredness and the nausea, returning home from the Festival heralded a new beginning for me – nesting! It just happened really. All of a sudden I had this intense desire to bake. Now don’t get me wrong, I do go through phases where I like to bake, but within one week I’d made my first ever cheesecake which was so well received at work that I never got a chance to give it a try any, a banana loaf, two batches of fairy cakes, a French chocolate cake thing which sadly looked nothing like the one my Mum makes, some disastrous healthy oatmeal cookies (what is it with healthy cookies, they never stick together!) and those wonderfully delicious energy balls – not that they are strictly baking, more so mixing!
I’ve also gotten right back into my cooking and my ‘Deliciously Ella’ cookbook is off the book shelf and back in the kitchen again. I know she’s a bit of a cliché and everyone went a little crazy for her last year but there are some yummy recipes in there. I particularly like the lentil and butternut squash dhal and the brazil nut, avocado and basil pesto, yum, yum! Cravings are now back to normal again, its hummus all the way and I rather like her recipe for this. My mixer doesn’t know what’s happening, for months it has been sat there doing nothing and now it’s used at least once a day. It’s funny how pregnancy brings out these things in us.
Nesting may have taken hold of the kitchen but sadly not the rest of the cottage itself as we have some quite major building work going on. Two of the front rooms have been dug up for damp proofing, which means we are living in one main room with stuff all over the place and the dust, oh my gosh, I had no idea dust could travel so far! Arghhh! It’s certainly challenging my cleaning OCD, albeit easier to maintain one main room than a whole cottage, but nonetheless, I am reminded constantly to take a deep breath in and out and let it all go…
And that really was the message of my week last week really. All the signs were pointing to the need to let go and go with the flow. Helped a little by a healing from a cranial-sacral session, I found that there were times where there was nothing I could do but let go, chill out, make sandcastles on the beach (when the sun’s been shining), bake cakes, enjoy yoga nidra, sit in silence, enjoy nature and try and get some sleep (Elijah dependant). Oh and the other message, loud and clear? To put all summer camping trips on hold for the time being!