Dancing on the edge of certainty

I chanced upon this beautiful poem by Mary Oliver called ‘Angels’; it was appropriate timing as I question edges and margins and lack of certainty, all the places that my practice currently takes me. Here it is:

You might see an angel anytime
and anywhere. Of course you have
to open your eyes to a kind of 
second level, but it’s not really
hard. The whole business of 
what’s reality and what isn’t has
never been solved and probably
never will be. So I don’t care to
be too definite about anything. 
I have a lot of edges called Perhaps
and almost nothing you can call
Certainty. For myself, but not 
for other people. That’s a place
you just can’t get into, not 
entirely anyway, other people’s 
heads. 

I’ll just leave you with this. 
I don’t care how many angels can 
dance on the head of a pin. It’s
enough to know that for some people
they exist, and that they dance. 

Life is a dance, and never more so than when you invite the angels into it. They are such a part of my life, that I forget that for other people this might seem rather strange. I love sharing angel cards with people especially for the first time and seeing their eyes open wide with the surprise at the angel card that has presented itself to them - always with an appropriate message, something that means something to them, and often fits in witty the context of a treatment or healing session.

Life is uncertain, and never have we been more aware of this than recently, with Covid. Yet still we try and find something concrete, something to hold on to, something to make us feel safe, be that our jobs or a relationship or possessions, even if we have outgrown them. We will hold on to the certainty of a yoga practice too, the familiarity of a sequence that we have practiced many times previously, and a style that we can almost do in our sleep, because it is so familiar to us and to our bodies.

Yet I have become increasingly aware, through the paradox and contradiction of the Scaravelli-inspired approach to yoga, that certainty in our practice can lead us down the superficial path of least resistance, the path well trodden, and not necessarily in our lives, but in our minds. It is easy to zone out of the body during a fast-paced asana practice, trying to keep up with the flow, trying to move the body and breathe, and put our bodies into the positions asked of it, always trying to further our practice, make our bodies bendier come what may.

I’ve noticed that we can stuck in movement patterns, feeding into the superficial muscles, allowing them to take over, and in the process denying the wisdom of the deeper muscles. So too in our life, we can lead very superficial lives, only allowing ourselves to delve so far into what may offer greater depth, but often this lacks certainty, it’s on an edge, a margin, a path not yet travelled, not yet lived, there’s resistance, and this send us straight back to where we were previously, to somewhere safe.

It takes courage to explore the backwater, to go deeper, to delve into the shadows, to let go of that which inhibits our growth, on the surface, to explore the edge of the inner landscape, to consider a life lived on the margins, neither here nor there, beyond definition, for it is a life lived with a little bit of this, and a little bit of that, not quite sure how it might unfold, not striving to be anywhere in particular, allowing the body to breathe rather than imposing the breath on it, and not trying to control an outcome, come what may, deeper truth and wisdom, compassion, forgiveness and the self, greater connection to the heart.

Our fears will keep showing up, reminding us of the reason we were searching for certainty in the first place, to conform, to feel secure, because everyone does that, and sometimes it’s difficult to live a life that goes against the flow, that tries to find a different path, a new way. Yet once touched, we know that we have to keep going, that we cannot stop, that we cannot go back, that we can no longer compromise that part of ourselves that craves a different life, that wants to go deeper than that life lived superficially, however much we may try and convince ourselves that that is OK and adopt anyone of our usual numbing strategies, so that we might forget that life could be lived differently.

I’m enjoying finding different ways of moving my body that is less harmful than the patterns I have adopted over the years, the patterns that I kept reinforcing on my mat, that allowed my body to maintain its armour, and it’s yang tendencies - albeit the tendencies are not so much of the body, but of the mind, which has dictated my practice for me. Now I get to sculpt the body, to do things differently, to chip away the armour and change the cellular memory, let go of the past which is still held in the body, informing my present.

The weight of responsibility will often weigh down the shoulders and impact on our ability to breath, tightening our upper spine, clipping our wings. We will struggle to truly find the comfort and ease of breath and body encouraged by the Yoga Sutras, forcing the breath, forcing the body. So too the hips, holding all those years of repressed emotions, the anger and hatred, sitting on them, impacting on the mobility and freedom of our spine, or our mind, we keep doing what e have always done and yet hope for a better outcome.

It is not enough to continue along the path of least resistance, the linear path, the safe one, certain, holding on to what we have always known and putting our heads deeper into the sand, even in ur yoga practice, even on our mat, even following prompts and instructions we can avoid being truly in the body, noticing it, but not noticing it, not knowing it, not knowing ourself, how can we know ourself if we are not truly present to the muscles, the bones, the ligaments, the flesh, our very nature, our nature.

So much of our physical tension of the result of mental tension, of lack of inner harmony and wholeness, fragmented, the good voice and the bad voice, the us before a yoga practice and the us at the end. How can we bring greater harmony to our whole being? I believe that this is the paradox. We might feel that life needs to be certain before we can find greater harmony and peace, and yet really, it is in the uncertainty, that this will reveal itself to us. A glimmer, a smidgen, a robin, a feather, a sign that this is the dimension where life might be lived, with the angels, a possibility, a potential.

Once we begin the journey to greater depth, once we step away from the superficial, once we notice more of the mind, with its comfortable and yet restricting and sometimes unhealthy patterns, then we can begin to notice more of the breath, and the certainty of this, and yet know that this is the breath between life and death, that the spine is the joint between life and death, that the exploration of the ancient sites is the space between life and death, that all of life is a dance between life and death and it is full of uncertainty that provides the joy that we seek, the possibility for inner harmony and peace. It is on the edges and the margins that life, the depth of life will reveal itself to us.

Bursting bubbles

Crikey, this energy is something else! I’ve never really felt so clearly that the veil is thin and the portal opening. I’ve heard people talk about it, but never really got it, but I’m feeling it!

I’ve heard people say this is quite an intense alignment of the new moon solar eclipse and the summer solstice, to say nothing of the planetary shifts, of which I know little. I just know that something is happening out there that is impacting on what is happening in me, which means it’s happening in each of us collectively, so perhaps there will be a shift. It feels big.

I certainly feel that life has changed this year beyond recognition of what it was, and that 2019 was indeed the year that prepared us for the changes that have been ushered in. I don’t know how long it will continue, but it has been so lovely to live to my own agenda this week, with the boys, flowing with our own timings, meeting friends, being on the beach, just having a rather lovely time of it, no timetable as such, beyond when I teach and give Reiki.

But it’s not the outer changes so much, they merely reflect the inner changes that have taken place, and a long time in coming in many respects. I have known for a while that there is another way, but it has taken time and work to let go of the conditioning that prevented the flow and the re-alignment to take place. There have been leaps of faith too, and a stronger sense of living with uncertainty and the unknown, which is OK, truly.

I have been watching others talk about how we might find a new way, how we might save the environment and create better societies. I think it’s noble. But I also think it is very simple. That really, it is us who need to change, to deepen connection to self, so that all the other crap drops away. It’s all very well talking about how we might engage the community to deduce the changes that they would like to see, and how we might change business so that it better serves the economy and society, but until we re-define success, and shift the paradigm from one of material gain to one of wellbeing, then nothing will change.

Under the current system, business will always be about the bottom line and people will always want to be recognised for their successes, based on their ability to earn and maximise wealth. This is how so many see success. This is what underlies the choices and decisions that so many make. This is the generation of billionaires and fame for the sake of fame’s sake with social media highlighting this - a generation of people who want to be seen for the sake of being seen, and so many with something to sell (it’s the era of “I run my own business, but I need social media to do it’).

All of this just further buys into the illusion and takes us further away from our truth. If we want to save the planet, if we truly want to look after the environment, then we don’t need to wait for a questionnaire, or a discussion, or for government to decide what the new world might look like, we just need to start living more of our own truth, and the more we are in our truth, in our nature, our self, then the more we will in harmony with nature. You simply cannot separate the two.

There is a very noticeable connection between how we live in relationship to our self and how we live in relationship to the earth. I really do believe that the more we can live in harmony with self, the more we automatically live in harmony with the planet, just as the ancients did. Yet these days we live in a way that is harmful to self, and as a consequence the planet is harmed too.

There are very few people who do not harm themselves, either through the inner critic or through the choices they make in how they live their lives. The only thing that will truly save us is consciousness, and the only way we will become more conscious, is by doing work on ourselves. There is just no way to avoid it, despite the best efforts of many to side-track it, jump over it, somehow find a technique that they hope will make them conscious without them having to go through it.

It is my understanding that you have to go through it, have the break downs to make the break throughs, to delve deep into the shadows. Sure, life provides the opportunities, illness, accidents, traumas large and small, sometimes the perceived smallest traumas are indeed the biggest portals, the most direct route to the soul. And this is where it is at, where it has only ever been at. The heart and soul. We do need to get to the heart, and we need to allow the soul expression, this is how we grow and this is how we will change the world that we live in, by living in the self - having a clear sense of self.

We are each here for a reason, and I don’t altogether know that that is as grandiose as taking on a title or a label, “I am in this world to be a yoga teacher”, for example. I feel it’s more about being in this world to allow all that we are; consciousness. We are here to become conscious and live conscious lives, which, by their very nature, are in harmony with the planet that we live on, which is also conscious, far more conscious than us human beings - see how tolerant, patient, compassionate and forgiving it is to us; that is consciousness!

I feel the energy, these eclipses, are encouraging us to wake up. Not necessarily to wake up to the what we are doing to the planet, but to wake up to what we are doing to ourselves. To question the way that we have chosen to live, to open ourselves up to the possibility that we might choose a new way, that we might step outside the norm, as we step closer into the soul, and that because more of us will be doing this - becoming conscious and kinder to self - then the more we will shift the way we are living collectively.

This is a time for being deep honest with ourselves. For seeing beyond the limitations we have created for ourselves, based on our conditionings (societal, parental, educational etc) and to truly feel into what we might do if we could live the life of our dreams, a life that is harmonious. There will always be a compromise of course, but perhaps we will come to realise that we don’t have to compromise our self, that we do matter, and that in acknowledging this, in becoming more deserving, the light of the universe will flood through us and throughout the planet.

This is how the paradigm will shift, how we will come to reframe success beyond material gain and media (social and otherwise) fame, and how we will come to recognise that wealth is not something that can be measured by money in a bank account or by the size of house, or number of possessions, but how it is about our inner sense of worth and how we can be in relation to self and to others, about love and compassion, tolerance and forgiveness. How we live in harmony with all life. Let’s see; I have a feeling that the bubble must burst first.

Pondering on new beginnings

I cannot tell you how wonderful it has been to be back teaching in the same space as students and be able to touch them! I missed this so much during lockdown, it is one thing being on my mat leading a session, but it’s quite another to properly teach, where you can actually touch and guide and try and help them. I am grateful to Zoom though, because at least it served a purpose and allowed me to continue teaching, but it just wasn’t the same.

I a delighted that we are soon moving to Phase 5 here in Guernsey. I realise that I was ranting quite a lot, in my inability to go with the flow of things, simply because I couldn’t understand the reason it was taking the States of Guernsey so long to make a decision about moving forward when there been no reported Covid cases for a significant amount of time. The Isle of Man moved to their Island bubble after only 22 days, and we will be waiting until about 48 days I think, to follow them into an island bubble.

Partly this has been my impatience, and because I don’t like limiting who can attend class, or not being able to run my Reiki courses properly, but also, it’s because I’m perhaps not as risk adverse or quite so fearful of covid as others. It just made no sense to me, much like so many other decisions that are made in this world, which are so patriarchal in their approach, ordered and rule-based, no room for the intuitive or for the common sense!

The more I have started to notice this, the more I realise how our lives are still so controlled by patriarchy, and the energy that this brings with it. I suppose this might be my resistance, especially as I find myself increasingly drawn towards the goddess and an alternative way of living, that allows more of the intuitive and the heart, that is less ‘certain’, less ‘black and white’, because if there is one lesson covid has brought with it (and there are many), there can be no certainty, and there is no black and white, as much as we might try and ensure it. Black Lives Matter further demonstrates this.

Yet the world continues to separate and divide, caught up in increasing rules and regulations, which are almost laughable, because no one knows. There was a time when scientists were saying there was little evidence that face masks worked, and now face masks will likely become the norm for public travel. This preventing us breathing properly, makes no sense to me, but that’s because I spend a significant part of my life attempting to breathe properly, to maximise the health benefits.

Anyhow I resolved last weekend, to let go of the ranting, because it does no good, just causes me harm, and does nothing to change the situation. Thankfully the situation has changed, or will soon change, and there will be no need for booking for class, and I won’t have to spray my hands with lavender, between touching each person, but maybe the crystals will stay, I quite like the fact there are more crystals in the room, and potentially revealing for students too, to see what they might be drawn towards on any particular day!

I’m contemplating greed at the moment too. Aparigraha, one of the five yamas, or ethical principles of yoga, also interpreted as ‘non-grasping. I feel it’s in the ‘field’ at the moment, caught up in the changes we might like to see in the world, in a different way of living that is not dictated by wealth alone, as is often the motivation for many of the choices that people make. As if wealth alone will save us.

Wealth fascinates me, I used to work within the wealth industry and it is interesting to witness how it impacts behaviour, how it orders and categorises people, how it allows power to play out in so many different ways, how it allows people to feel superior to others and treat them in a certain way. It is such an illusion yet so many buy into it, a marketer’s dream, as if life alone is all about the creation of wealth, the grasping onto this, and the drama that accompanies this. You don’t take it with you!

I’ve been fascinated by the multi-billionaires, what they do with their money, how they might use it to help others, and yet the power sometimes goes to their heads, and they buy into government to give them greater power to do what they please, as if they are above the rules handed out to the rest of the population, because somehow their lives and their opinions, and their intentions matter more than the lives and opinions and intentions of others who might not have as much money. Look at Bill Gs and all the conspiracy theories about him. Let alone Mark Z. It’s interesting reading about Elon M too.

This is an opportunity to bring in a new world order, to shuffle around what is deemed to be most important. I imagine wealth will continue to motivate most, and this when so many people in the world are not under the poverty line because covid and the world’s reaction to it, means that so many can no longer earn an income and so many are not able to now access support from charities, in the cases where their governments are not in a position to support them either - there is no social support in Nepal for example, you’re on your own!

The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. It’s an old story. Maybe we need to re-define what it means to be rich and poor. I’m curious to see how this unfolds. For now though, I’m grateful for the riches bestowed upon me in life here in Guernsey, the richness of this land and of the people who form part of my community, and my family, and all the beauty and abundance of life here on this beautiful Island, let alone the bounty of the harvest, their is much richness in that too. Thank you.

Abundance!

I met some friends on the beach with our children today and two of us were talking about the seeds that we had been given to plant, by our mutual friend, Fi. It seems that mine have been rather more abundant than my friend’s seeds, and she quite rightly pointed out that abundance comes in many forms, and this did make me think, because life can be abundant in so many different ways.

I have been lucky or perhaps it’s the result of my being a touch over-enthusiastic, because I have been blessed with about 500 pots of medicinal plants (sorry Tara, not to rub it in!!) (There are lots still to re-pot!). Typically the ones I am most excited about, the pot marigolds (so I can make calendula cream) have not been as abundant as say hyssop, or mother’s wort, or even gypsy wort now I come to think about it. Goodness knows what I’ll do with them.

Mind you, Fi did say to me that it’s not so much what you do with them that will bring the joy, but the process of actually growing them. This is so true and one of the fundamental teachings from the Bhagavad Gita, about not being attached to the fruits of our labours. There is a verse that can be translated as follows: “You have the right to work, but for work’s sake only. You have no rights to the fruits of work. Desire for the fruits of work must never be your notice in working. Never give way to laziness either”.

If ever there was an opportunity to put this into practice then it has been growing the medicinal plants! I had no expectation or attachment to outcome, I was growing them simply because Fi had given me the idea and something in me said, “yes, 'let’s do this”. In fact it was Ewan who planted some of the seeds, I just gave them Reiki and have tended to them ever since. I’ve planted more along the way, although I wonder now the reason I did this, because I already had so many, and I am considering that in the context of my wider pondering on greed, which has come up in recent weeks as I witness the effect of greed playing out in the wider world and I have been considering it in my world too.

The thing is with the plants, I have just grown them for the sake of growing them and because it felt like my heart wanted me to do it and it has been hugely enjoyable. I have no plans of what to do with them, beyond the pot marigolds. This too has been wonderful, to not have placed pressure on myself to do anything with them really, albeit I have bought a couple more books on herbal remedies and what I might make, if I have the time and inclination, let alone the financial resource to buy all the bits and bobs that are often required in this whole ‘making things’ process!

The message from the Bhagavad Gita, is to renounce attachment to the fruits so that you can remain even tempered in success and failure, and that it is this evenness of temper, which is yoga. It is said that work done with anxiety about the results of the work, is far inferior to work done without anxiety, because this brings with it self-surrender. We surrender all attachment to outcome and just do it for the love of it and because - on the whole - it is our dharma, our reason to be in this world. There is an understanding that those who work selfishly, for the fruits alone, for the results of their actions, will end up miserable!

It is difficult though, because of course generally, we do need to earn money to live. This pandemic has certainly challenged so many of us with this. I heard myself saying today, “double the amount of work, for half the amount of income”, because this is what the pandemic has brought with it, and I know I am not alone, because others are saying it too. The additional administration these last few months to adapt to the changing circumstances has been huge and the income has been much less than it would be ordinarily because of restrictions caused by social distancing.

Yet I know that for me work is not just about income. I teach yoga and share Reiki because I love it. It makes me feel alive. I was positively depressed during lockdown when I wasn’t able to touch people and share it face to face, E was finding life with my dull mood hard work! So I am just so happy to be able to teach again, regardless of the fact that it helps me earn money. And while I know not to be attached to the fruits of the labour, I am grateful for all the abundance that fills my life, the plants, the vegetable patch, the friends, the bird that visit each days, the time with my children, the peacefulness of dusk, and the abundant sleep now my younger son doesn’t wake us as much.

Life is full of abundance. I suppose we just have to notice it, and step out of the conditioning, which always sees abundance in terms of monetary gain. We have to remember to enjoy the process, to do the work for the sake of the work that needs to be done, not because of an outcome. It’s much easier said than done. Even in yoga there is the grasping for an outcome. I noticed it tonight for the first time, when I asked students to establish an intention, something they might like to receive from the practice and I realised that this was setting them up to expect an outcome, to see their practice as something leading them somewhere, rather than just practising for the love of practising.

I notice it playing out during the practice too, this attachment to a pose needing to look a certain way, so that there might be pushing and pulling and a loss of the magic that might arise if only we could just be OK by allowing the body to unravel when it is ready, not because we are forcing it in some way. As if we might achieve more, whatever that might be, peace and harmony perhaps, a better body. I don’t know, we all have our different reasons for practice, our different attachments, our different ideas of how it might be.

But really, it is my experience, that just turning up on our mat is enough. Just being there with our body and with our breath and honouring both and surrendering to the process and to the practice. There will be greater abundance, simply because there will be a change, that will help you - if nothing else - to recognise it, because perhaps it’s always been there but you have just never recognised it, because so often we focus on what we don’t have, and miss all that is already filling our lives, the love, the silence, the noise, the craziness, the solitude. It is all abundant, it’s just our perspective that sometimes needs shifting.

We begin to notice more of the joy that comes with the work. In letting go to the fruits, we begin to see all that we had previously dismissed and overlooked in our quest to always be somewhere other than where we are. It’s actually liberating to live like this, albeit it demands another step outside the box, living in a society that is generally focused on outcome, always working towards a future date to improve from a past date already taken place. Life is so abundant, let’s give thanks for that!

Soul and Shadow on the moon

Phew that was an intense full moon, I did chuckle when I realised that this happened to coincide with me receiving and starting a new book called ‘Soul and Shadow’ for this was indeed the moon of soul and shadow! The world itself was having to face its shadow around discrimination and inequality. Will then world change now the shadow has been brought to the light? I hope so, but I have become a little weary of late, there seems to be greater division that ever!

My soul friend, Christine, mentioned to me yesterday that there is a theme around “I can’t breathe” and it did dawn on me that this is so true on so many levels. Not least George Floyd, but Covid and Gaia herself. This week too I have become aware of women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer, the heart chakra, of air and nourishment. This really is a time of the heart versus the head and interesting that the throat sits in-between and people are voicing their options.

Here on Guernsey I have been told that social media is filled with toxicity around those who are arriving into Guernsey and not self-isolating, and people vocal about sharing their opinions. Is this from the heart though? To be truly effective, a voice from the heart, rather than the solar plexus of fear, ego and bullying is much more effective. The world needs the purer heart voice to be truly heard.

It’s been a funny old time. Busy, bringing with it remnants of the old, and yet different too, the busyness has a softer energy, busy doing things that we enjoy, rather than busy doing things for the sake of doing things or because others have been demanding from us. I don’t feel therefore that it is busyness for the sake of busyness, not avoidance, or distraction, more so a renewed sense of purpose and keenness to share.

I soul searched too, around classes and what to do about these and have decided to change things a little, take yoga inside, because I have always preferred teaching inside, there is less distraction, nature does distract by its’s very nature, because it is so beautiful! Plus the sun and the wind was aggravating my pitta and vata and the uncertainty over the weather was slightly tricky to manage! So I have elected for smaller class sizes where I can work more intimately with students, it does mean some will miss out, and I’ll be honest, it is my main source of income, so I won’t be earning so much, but I feel that this is the way, for now at least!

If there is one thing we can learn from covid, is that everything changes, life is in a constant state of flux. All we can do is keep flowing with the heart, keep checking in and seeing where we might adjust. Yoga helps us with this, the scaravelli-inspired approach, that is now influencing my teaching, is all about sitting with the not knowing and with uncertainty, and honouring our own nature, our flesh and bones. This is our nature! And it has become increasingly important to me that we don’t deny that in the pushing and pulling and the forcing that comes with so many of the other approaches to yoga that I have been trained in and have studied and shared with others.

I can’t now return to vinyasa or to dynamic yoga, it feels so soulless, and yet I am grateful because it got me from where I was to where I am now, and I feel like I have come home, to a deeper place in myself, that is less focused on achievement and being someone, but on just being with what was there all along, yet I was so busy in my practice, always moving from one pose to the next, always considering the alignment being right or wrong (there is no such thing incidentally, we’re just conditioned to believe in that, to make our life certain, life by its very nature is uncertain!), that I did not allow for the fluidity of the practice, of life, with the flow and with the sacred that talks through the breath, that comes, not because the breath is imposed on the body, but because the breath enters in, like a gift, a re-membering.

Mainly now I yawn through my practice. Louise says that this is because the breath is finding itself again after years of forced breathing. Who would have known! It is so interesting, that there is always so much still to learn. So breath has been prevalent in my life too of late, because it was strange to find the breath coming initially, and this not looking like the old paradigm, of Ujaii breath come what may, which I realise now might actually have been hardening things. Certainly my solar plexus has softened and now I am drawn more into the heart.

I am used to the yawning now, it comes, it comes, and I cannot control it, it is years of stuff that was held deep in the diaphragm that was now allowed expression. I’m pretty sure this may have been the reason for a hernia at my navel. Well that and all the many planks and chatturangas, that I avoid now, because they were absolutely not benefitting my body or my mind, let alone my soul.

So there has been shadows coming to the light and the soul has been finding greater expression. There has been the breath and there has been the heart and I am curious to see where this eclipse season takes us these next few weeks.

With love