Happy Midsummer!

Happy midsummer!

I was supposed to be celebrating at Stonehenge today, but Covid put an end to that, for all of us, including the Druids who are the ancient Celts, who hold ceremony at Stonehenge at the summer and winter solstices. However, it rained, so we wouldn’t have seen sunrise anyway, not in Guernsey nor at Stonehenge, so this eased the moment somewhat and does mean I got a little more sleep last night than I was anticipating even a few weeks ago. 

Fortunately, I glimpsed some of sunrise earlier this week, from Les Trepieds, which appears to be aligned with the summer solstice, this after seeing the mist that reminded me of the mists of Avalon! This has a rich wiccan past although it was referenced in relation to the witch trials and persecution so has a sad history too. It’s not somewhere I have spent much time, favouring the fairy cave instead, there’s something about its energy. However I felt it peaceful at 5am, with the sound of the birds and the sea. It took me back to ancient times perhaps.

I did visit the fairy cave that same early morning too, and the serious energy was quite in contrast to the energy of Les Trepieds. You have to be mindful with the fairy cave, respectful to the guardians, I have learned this over time. It is the same at La Varde, the pigeons will watch you anyhow, these are the guardians in time manifest, and they hold the secrets that they might slowly reveal to us if we respect this sacred goddess energy – I get a little uptight if I hear that people are messing with the energy. These are not summer solstice sites, at least that’s my experience.

As a family, we visited La Rocque Balan, to feel the midsummer eve energy, as there is reference to it having been a place of midsummer eve celebration in times gone by. The sun was lost behind clouds and there was a small party of ladies enjoying a picnic nestled in the rocks and a friend appeared to be holding ceremony with another friend by the cup marks at the summit – there are many theories as to what they were for, and geological explanations too; always a mystery where ancient sites of ceremony and worship are concerned.

In my mind I see a stone circle just below the main rocks, I’m always drawn here, there’s something about the energy, and Elijah was feeling it too. I was dowsing and he took the pendulum from me, the first time he has ever done that and wanted to learn how to do it himself and how to find the ‘energy focus’. As with everything, this is open to interpretation, which is perhaps the reason I love exploring these ancient sites, because we will never know, only in our hearts and third eyes, so there we can embrace all that is mysterious about this wonderful world of energy and moon/sun/star alignment.

I watched a lecture this week by Heather Sebire who used to work with my dad here on Guernsey, but who now manages Stonehenge, quite amazing! It was fascinating to learn more of this ancient site, which has long held sway over the archaeologist, the mystic, the astronomer and the poet and still evokes such a wide range of feeling and thought. I’m still buying into the idea that Stonehenge was built by the Druids, and I shall never forget spending sunrise here as part of my 40th celebrations, and watching the Druids and hearing the drumming and just blissing out on the Pagan energy, let alone the excitement at touching the stones.

I love touching stones and finding messages in them. Energetically I can sometimes feel things, we spent time during IVF treatment at Salisbury cathedral, I just felt this need to rest my head and hands against some of those old stones infused with the energy of prayer and connection to God, even if it is not a God that I worship. So too, to find hand positions in ancient rocks, here on Guernsey there are some in La Varde and the fairy cave, and probably elsewhere but these places are where I tend to spend the most time, and with La Gran’ Mère outside St Martin’s Church, who has definitely been changed, to transform her from goddess to man and yet the breasts give the game away!

I love not only the mystery of these sites but the fact that I might place my hands where hands were placed thousands of years ago, by those ancestors whose blood may run through mine, if you buy into this, and the manner in which we are drawn to that which we once were, as if we are remembering. Who knows. Another mystery, a reminder that we sometimes just don’t know, which reminds me of this beautiful poem I found the other day by Mary Oliver called ‘Angels’:

“You might see an angel anytime
and anywhere. Of course you have
to open your eyes to a kind of 
second level, but it’s not really
hard. The whole business of 
what’s reality and what isn’t has
never been solved and probably
never will be. So I don’t care to
be too definite about anything. 
I have a lot of edges called Perhaps
and almost nothing you can call
Certainty. For myself, but not 
for other people. That’s a place
you just can’t get into, not 
entirely anyway, other people’s 
heads. 

I’ll just leave you with this. 
I don’t care how many angels can 
dance on the head of a pin. It’s
enough to know that for some people
they exist, and that they dance. “

I love too finding imagery in the rocks, seeing figures, faces, signs, these are all messengers, also open to interpretation. I’m always hopeful there may be some evidence of Ogham, the ancient Celtic tree alphabet, which appears on roughly 400 stones which have been discovered thus far, 360 of which are in Ireland and the rest scattered around Wales, Scotland, England and the Isle of Man.  It might well be an excuse to visit Ireland and all the Celtic sites there, but I see perhaps my own language in the stones here; a re-membering!

So happy midsummer to you all (there were two longest days this year, that’s unusual!), and happy new moon solar eclipse too. May more of the mystery reveal itself to you, may you tread your path on the edge, where the magic happens, on the margins, not limited by the perceived certainty of definition, dancing with the angels, always dancing with the angels, and stepping closer and closer to who you really are on the inside. The descent into the darkness will support this, so let’s descend gently and enjoy all that the shifting seasons and planets may bring.

Love Emma x 

Power and the deep feminine

That was most definitely a potent full moon and I am only now clearer about what it was ushering in. There was most definitely a play on power, and you might have felt that in your own lives too.

I definitely felt a sense of powerlessness with the way that life is currently unfolding and it is only now I recognise the reason for the kidney and liver pain that has accompanied this. The kidneys because of deep rooted fear of not being able to touch or to use holistic therapies to heal (as these rely so heavily on human touch). I feel as if ancestral and past life wounds were touched, around Wicca and the deep memory of the persecution of healers (the witch hysteria during the mid 1400s ).

There was anger in this too, then, for this Wiccan history, and also for the collateral damage of trying to protect the vulnerable from Covid-19 and yet creating so much more suffering and vulnerability in the process. There is a thin line and I don’t envy anyone having to manage this, but I do feel as if a perspective shift is required. The state has done such a good job in conditioning (and controlling) everyone to (through) fear, that now it has a huge job on its hands to condition everyone that life is again safe to be lived.

There is a fear that for those of us who teach yoga or in some way offer our hand to heal, will not be able to do so, in the flesh, for a long time to come. Yet I know that in every ending is a new beginning and I take comfort in this. I am grateful that yoga and Reiki can be shared distantly, albeit it is not the same as physical touch, but at least there is the option. Plus I know that healing can come in so many ways, and I recognise in my own life how this pause, and this space, has revealed other things to me.

I keep returning to Rebecca Campbell’s marvellous quote about all this, well about letting go really, which is what this is all about, and how the power comes into it too, because I have a feeling that this is where it’s at really, coming to understand the nature of power, beyond labels and this idea of being someone. There has been so much emphasis these last few years for women, especially within yoga, to step into their power, and yet I can’t help thinking that we have been attempting to do so while still ignoring the deep feminine.

“In order for the new to arrive, we must first allow the old to shatter. Sometimes this happens on its own. And sometimes it requires that we do the smashing. To tear apart what we’ve built because things have changed, including you. To admit that while it once was aligned, now it no longer is. This shattering requires both courage and faith. Courage to let go and faith that the pieces will come back together again in a way that was more aligned than it was before” Rebecca Campbell

I’m not sure that the deep feminine, the inner witch, the healer, the carer, the mother, the grandmother, the wisdom keeper, I don’t know that she needed to be any more than what she was. She didn’t need to be on a pedestal, or splashed across social media, nor rushing around the world sharing her wisdom. She was contented to live it and share it with those who sought her, not because she was ‘someone’, but because she was her-self. There was a sacredness to her life and to her offerings too. There was the power, in the sacredness of it all.

I have found the break form social media thus far extremely liberating, empowering. I don’t miss it. It’s refreshing not knowing how others are living, and not concerning myself with it. There is less external noise and more time to be with those who matter the most. It has also freed me in my teaching, to offer what I love and what I have learned over all these years of studying the self, with those who most value it, there is (for me at least and I hope this doesn’t sound arrogant as that is not as it is intended) a deeper sense of the sacred. This too came through with the moon.

There is a re-alignment of power at play and for us women this means that yet more ideas of what this might mean need to drop away. We are entering a new paradigm and the idea of what it means to ‘step into our power’ also needs to change. The joy is that life will create this shift, the universe, the moon, the stars and the planets, they will all play their role to ensure that we have the opportunity to listen.

We might not heed the call, we might not make the space, we might grip on so tightly to how we think it should be, that we don’t hear the whisperings of another way. But the signs will be there anyway, the illness, aches, pains, tensions, the dodgy skin, the irregular period, the people, birds, animals and insects that cross our path, they are all message keepers, if we pay attention.

It’s not easy to pay attention though. Sometimes when working with my teacher, she is asking me to be so attentive that I find it difficult because I have to be very still and very present, and very much inside myself. Yet I know that if I can stay with it, then I will touch something that I cannot touch when life is lived externally, or busy, or noisy. The practice comes in being present and attentive, and this is tricky beyond the yoga mat when there is so much distraction.

Yet I have feeling that this is the power of the deep feminine. It is not about what we might create or produce in the external world (that’s the illusion, the trap), but how life is lived in relation to the self. That’s not so easy to teach, and not so easy to explain, because we all have that wisdom, and it is for us to reveal it to ourselves, given the right conditions.

As I am writing this, and as I searched for the above quote to share with you, I came across this other one, and feel like leaping with joy because while I have read it many times before, I feel as if it is only now I have an embodied sense of it being my truth too. Which means it is possibly yours too. This is where the moon has been taking us. This is the power of the deep feminine and it is not at all what others might have us believe, those making the noise and yet still living from a masculine perspective of results and external adoration.

“The deep Feminine, the mystery of consciousness, She who is life, is longing for our transformation as much as we are. She holds back, allowing us free reign to choose, nudging us occasionally with synchronicities, illness, births and deaths… But when we make space for Her, she rushes into all the gaps, engulfing us with her desire for life and expression. This is what She longs for, this is what we are for: experiencing the Feminine through ourselves. We simply need to slow down, and find where to put our conscious attention. And it is this, this willingness to look again, this willingness to put consciousness onto our places of unconscious, to express what we have always avoided, which starts the process of unblocking, so that She may flow through.” Lucy Pearce

All is well. That we must remember. Power is power is power. Knowing the self is power. Healing the self is power. Retreating into the self is power. Finding courage, that is power. Being still is also power. There are so many ways that we can embrace our power without losing ourselves in the power of it, of trying to be anything other than what we already are, and this, this is the key to true power - and it is found in love, and it is found in surrender, and it is found in vulnerability and it is found in being deeply attentive.

Love Emma x

The Blessings in the Curse

Now I’ve found my flow within this new reality that we find ourselves in, I have to admit that I am loving it. I appreciate that people are dying and are losing their jobs and others are unwell and separated from their families, yet I am grateful for this opportunity to shift how we are living and align to something slower paced instead. 

In many respects I have been quite lucky as our lives were already lived relatively simply. I wasn’t going to an office and I wasn’t working full time, so being at home with the boys has not been a shock to my system as it would understandably have been for others – I am in awe at those attempting to work full time from home and school children all at the same time. It helps too that my parents are on hand by FaceTime to help with Elijah’s learning, and I have been grateful for their support.

But more than that, over the years of practising yoga, aspects of how my life used to be lived have dropped away, I don’t go out for dinner, or socialise with the girls beyond meeting for a sea swim, for example. I don’t go to the hairdresser regularly, or have my nails done. I don’t go shopping for clothes or for anything else beyond food if I can help it! I don’t go to the cinema or to the gym. I don’t really do very much when I think about it, beyond yoga, writing, cycling, going to the beach, and being with the children!  

Of course there are things I miss, but the missing doesn’t feel as great as it did at the beginning, as I have let go a little of those attachments too. No doubt there will be more to let go of as this lockdown continues, but I’ve started to recognise more of the positives than the negatives and long may this continue! To be honest I have felt much more gratitude for all I have in my life, now, than I ever did previously and this in itself has been a positive, as are these:

·      There is less rushing and for this I am eternally grateful! I have known for a while that I needed to slow my life down and stop with the rushing, especially rushing the children in and out of the door, and lockdown has achieved this for me. We no longer need to rush and life is so much easier!

·      Time has taken on a whole new meaning. Aside from being on time for the yoga classes that I have scheduled, and the FaceTime sessions with my parents for Elijah’s home schooling, there is no need to be on time for anything else because we have no plans, we are able to just literally flow with where the energy takes us and that is extremely liberating. 

·      This means that we are able to drop more into the notion of there being no time or space, as we learn in Reiki Level Two, and I feel that this lockdown has allowed a greater lived sense of that. Time and space seems less of an obstacle as we connect over the internet regardless of space and time – one of my friends, Lottie, has been able to join some of the Facebook Live sessions with us from Australia, which is just wonderful. 

·      There has been greater connecting with people who are on my wave length, who I hadn’t had the opportunity to connect with previously. It’s as if a whole new world has opened up bringing with it lovely new connections. There’s also been a deepening in established connections, which has been wonderful too. 

·      The reduction in noise from the roads and the skies is a true joy and I can hear the bird song much clearer than previously and I’m slowly learning to recognise which bird song comes from which bird type!

·      I also feel that I can see more clearly too, without all the traffic, and I actually stopped my bike the other day, when I was out cycling, to stare at the wonder which was someone else’s garden full of beautiful flowers blossoming.

·      I feel like I can breathe more easily too, especially when I am out on my bike, the air just feels cleaner, like its filled with more prana, perhaps because it is spring and nature is abundant in energy. 

·      At times it feels as if the flowers on the hedgerows and cliffs and in the gardens are from another world as they look so stunning and so vibrant, with their bright colours, reminding me that nature is abundant in her beauty and is not scared to share with it others, so that we too can delight in it.  

·      Being more aware of what I am buying, and trying to make as many snacks as I can as well as cooking from scratch twice a day and having the time to be a little more adventurous than I might be normally.

·      The opportunity to write - not least a little more time without the regular trips backwards and forwards to the school each day, but also the creative impulse, as if the time and the space and the extra yoga lessons that I have taken with my teacher have allowed me the opportunity to drop deeper into the creative.

·      Extra yoga lessons with my teacher have been a joy as both of our schedules have eased and E is at home to help with the children.

·      The time spent as a family. We were lucky as our lives allowed us a lot of family time previously, but now we have even more time together, and while this certainly brings with it its challenges (how can it not!), it has also been wonderful to be more involved in Elijah’s education, and witness more fully the mania of Eben!

·      This has been another benefit, watching the children coming into their own, in their own ways. Elijah has never passionate about school and he is enjoying not having the pressure of that and he’s now stopped counting down to the weekend! He has enjoyed learning from home, and I have enjoyed being more involved in his learning so that we can celebrate his achievements together. 

·      While Eben has been a challenge at times because he just doesn’t understand the reason he can’t see my parents, and he misses his friends and pre-school, it has been lovely to see him thriving and wilding himself even more than usual.

·      Watching the boys’ relationship develop. They are forced together for most of the day and they have thrived on this, playing in a way they have never played previously, and we are laughing more together as a family because of this. We’ve been grateful for the opportunity to walk a dog for another family, we love this dog and she has brought much joy to us as a family.

·      This is the other thing, this wilding. The boys have always been a little wild and E and I too really, but now we can truly embrace this aspect of self, getting out into nature, wearing the same clothes more than once, and embracing the dirt!

·      I’ve stopped being so obsessive about the cleanliness of the house. This is a big one for me as I am a bit OCD with cleaning as those who know me will agree, but I’ve let this go a little too, as I have re-prioritised my time, I’d rather be writing or playing outside with the boys than cleaning for the sake of it, hoorah for that!

·      Creating a Reiki community, which is something I have always wanted to do but never had the time nor the idea of how I might make this happen. But it has happened all by itself and I look forward to the weekly Tuesday evening sessions so that we can connect through Zoom. 

·      Creating an online yoga community has been wonderful too, to stay connected and share yoga with others during this tricky time felt by many, especially those juggling a working schedule and home schooling children. It is a joy for me to teach yoga and I am grateful that I have been able to continue to do this and to share my passion to help and support others as yoga has helped and supported me enormously over the years and continues to do so.

·      A depending connection to the Earth and to her ancient wisdom. I have even started planting seeds to attempt to grow medicinal herbs, something that has been on my mind for a while now, and I am hoping that they will be kind and grow for me and for me to share with you. A whole new world potentially awaits, let us see.

·      Getting out running. I’m not a runner, I prefer swimming and cycling, but running has helped me to process my thoughts and all that is happening, it has given me the space to think about the book I am writing, it has helped me to notice the beauty of nature around me and to clear my head and enjoy some solitude away from the family. 

·      Having to face my long-held fear of IT and learning how to do online videos for myself, let alone sending out newsletters and doing minor updates to the website. It has been a teeny bit empowering and I hope I can continue to build on it. I am very grateful to Katie Bisson, my brother and Nicky Jenkins who have all helped in the background. 

·      I have had to face my fear of seeing myself on the screen! I employed Steph to film the videos on my website professionally,  and so I have never watched them as she kindly did all the editing without needing my input, so I have avoided thus far seeing myself on them. However with Facebook Live and Zoom I get to see myself on the screen as they are recording and I have to admit that really it is no big deal, I wonder what all the fuss was about! 

 ·      I have had to look a little at my fear of my family getting ill or dying. I suspect I am still very much in denial about this as I comfort myself very quickly with thoughts of karma and our souls having their own journey. It’s a fear that I will one day have to overcome, but I’m hoping that now is not that time. 

·      I’m extremely grateful for my family and for my home, and for the land on which we live, and this beautiful Island on which I was born and the wonderful community we have. We are truly blessed.  

·      While it might sound as if it is all about me if my ramblings above are anything to go by, It is extremely humbling to recognise those who are deemed essential workers and those who are not. As a yoga teacher and Reiki practitioner, I am not deemed an essential worker, and nor would I have been if I had continued to work as a company secretary in the finance industry. There is a humility that accompanies this and it is my hope that greater respect is given for those key workers post-Covid, the ones who ensure that there is minimal disruption to the fundamentals of our ability to live, from those working at the docks, to those filling the shelves, from those caring for the elderly to those working in hospitals. Let us not forget. 

·      What I am loving the most is that this period is unprecedented, there is no guideline, no societal expectation on how we as a society or individually should behave or feel. I doubt there is a business model that can help guide businesses through this time with any certainty, we are all having to find a new way. This is extremely liberating not only in the moment, but also for the future of our society. We each have our own role to play in this, as part of the collective, to determine the kind of life we want to live post-Covid.

·      My soul feels more at ease, it enjoys this gentler rhythm, the time to observe my breath, to feel a part of nature, and to be in the flow of it – helped enormously because it is spring time. 

There are many other benefits too, in the wider world:

·      Councils in the UK have been told to house homeless people, some are now even being housed at Heathrow.

·      The population has renewed respect for health workers and those on the front line.

·      Around the world, Seismologists are observing a lot less ambient seismic noise – meaning the vibrations generated by cars, trains, buses and people going about their daily lives has decreased. This means that the Earth’s upper crust is moving a little less and overall the Earth is currently a much quieter place to live than it was.

 ·      There has already been a noticeable decrease in air pollution in some of the world’s most polluted cities.

 ·      I read that even the Ganges is looking a little bit cleaner!

·      People are coming together and helping their communities and especially the vulnerable within them.

·      People are connecting across the internet, there is a sense of global solidarity. 

I appreciate that there are many suffering because of fear about poor health and losing those they love, others fearful for the loss of the life they had previously enjoyed as more are made redundant or otherwise lose their jobs. Yet I know that every burden carries with it a blessing, it is the natural lore. So while it might feel chaotic and mad, once the turmoil has eased, the bigger picture will become much clearer.

We each have the opportunity now to re-assess our priorities and to really live and embody them, not just think about them, and then put the list back into the drawer until we have more time in our lives. That time is now. If ever there was a time. It might still feel crazy and messy, but every ending feels this way, and we should take comfort in the thought of the peaceful and more aligned new beginnings ahead, we just have to trust and keep letting go into the flow.

I hope that this time is kind to you and that you are able to be kind to yourself too. If ever there was a time for kindness and compassion then it is also now. Every now. But especially this now. 

Lots of love xxx

The light is never far away from the dark

If ever there was a time to settle into the light then it is now; as so many are overwhelmed and suffering, being forced to face their deepest fears.

It is a turbulent time of change and upheaval on Mother Earth, and I feel it is more important than ever to hold space for those who wish to connect to their inner light and wisdom, pouring love out into the world and raising vibration through yoga and Reiki classes. 

I’m writing this while on retreat on Sark, where the energy of fear has yet to appear and we are able to settle into our centre more easily. While others may feel differently, this is a heartfelt choice for me right now, although may well change as events unfold.

On Saturday, I was cycling down Sark’s high street, trying to think what I might write to those who attend class when I felt an overwhelming need to visit the local charity shop, which I’ve wanted to do for years. In here, I was immediately drawn to the book section where a book, “The Game of Life and How to Play It” by Florence Shinn caught my attention.  I opened the book by chance on page 51 and there in front of me were written these exact words:

“Perhaps one’s fear is of disease or germs. Then one should be fearless and undisturbed in a germ-laden situation, and he would be immune. One can only contract germs while vibrating at the same rate as the germ, and fear drags men down to the level of the germ”. 

Then later, at class, a particular poem caught my attention that I felt absolutely had to be shared:

The Choice for Love

What does the voice of fear 

Whisper to you?

Fear speaks to you

In logic and reason.

It assumes the language 

Of love itself.

Fear tells you,

“I want to make you safe”

Love says

“You are safe”.

Fear says

“Give me symbols.

Give me frozen images.

Give me something 

I can rely on”

Loving truth says

“Only give me 

This moment”

Fear would walk you 

On a narrow path

Promising to take you

Where you want to go.

Love says,

“Open your arms

And fly with me.”

Every moment of your life

You are offered the opportunity

To choose-

Love or fear,

To tread the earth 

Or to soar to the heavens.

If ever there was a time to accept the universal order, which only appears to be chaotic and ever-changing, then it is now. Regardless of what life throws at us, individually or globally, the dance of the universe is a happy one. We should nor fear the change or the loss – from darkness comes light.

This is an opportunity to put into practice all we have learned on our spiritual journey thus far:

• To stay centred through great confusion. 

• To go with the flow, not sweating the small stuff. 

• To develop a forgiving heart if someone has caused us harm. 

• Accepting life as it unfolds, however uncomfortable. 

• Finding the courage to live from our hearts and our deepest truth, even if that goes against what is expected of us by others. 

• Letting go of judgments and feeling compassion instead for those who have made different choices to our own. 

• Sending love and light to all those suffering, especially those who judge and criticise us for the choices we have made. 

 Love Emma x

Letting go with a burning bowl ceremony.

Today we held the yoga class to let go of 2019, followed by a burning bowl ceremony.

I was introduced to the burning bowl ceremony back in 2005 when I was in the middle of my Reiki training and I was part of a lovely group of Reiki students who met once a week with our teacher, Dr Alyssa Burns-Hill, for meditation and angel cards. I loved this hour, each Thursday evening, 6-7pm, on the way home for work. Not least because we got to sit and meditate together, Ally often leading us through guided meditations, and enjoying angel cards and the insight they provided, but because, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I belonged.

I was relatively new to this world back then, the holistic one, with angels and chakras and crystals, but there was something about the energy of all this, the way it felt then, that just, well, felt right. The people were friendly and welcoming, and despite my naivety, I never felt judged or out of place. We’ve all gone in our own direction since Ally left the Island and I wouldn’t probably recognise many of them now, but I’ve always been extremely grateful for this very light fuelled time of my life.

One of the ladies was an American who has since moved back to America, and it was her who suggested one night that we do a burning bowl ceremony. i don’t remember the ceremony itself, but I do remember feeling a huge sense of relief that there was this opportunity to let go of things. Until that point in my life - I was approximately 29 years old then - I had no idea that we could let go of things that were no longer serving us. Mind you, there was lots I didn’t realise we could do back then, I was only just beginning to recognise that we create our own reality and that our thoughts create this. I was only just awakening.

So the burning bowl ceremony had quite a profound effect on me and I have done one every year since. Often these were with one of my best friend’s Hayley, with whom I spent a number fo new year’s eves. I’ll never forget on new year where we burned our letters in a saucepan and the whole thing was in flames and there as a complete panic that we ere abut to set the house on fire! How we laughed! Clearly we had a lot to let go of that year, but actually we did every year, and I’m never sure that back in those days the cava helped much!

One year, maybe when I was 34 though, my cousin, Yolande, and I were joined by my friend Samata, and we conducted our burning bowl ceremony at the fairy ring here in Guernsey, one wild afternoon when we were all sober! It was a blustery day and it was a challenge, it has to be said, to get the flame going, but Yo got it going and with that up into the air went all the things we wanted to let go of - I have a feeling that smoking was high on my list of priorities back then, to give up that is. That year, 2010 I did. I recognised that sober burning bowl ceremonies were best!

Burning bowl ceremonies are powerful. Potentially. I should caveat that. As I said to students this morning, you have to really feel it. No point writing down that you are going to let go of things that you know that you have no intention of truly letting go of from your life. Or after too much cava so that it becomes more of a wish list with ‘not drinking so much cava’ top of it, ha ha. You have to feel ready, as if there may be some possibility, with a little help from the angels and the universe generally.

Letting go is an interesting concept. I’ve worked a lot with it over the years, and this year I have been working with it a lot. What I’ve noticed is how difficult it is to let go! Even though we might think we want to let go of some childhood trauma, or some hurt that happened to us with maybe an ex-boyfriend, or whatever it may be, when we truly look at it, we realise that we’re holding onto it because on some conscious, some crazy level, we want to be pained! I know it makes no sense when you read that, but think about it. We’re all holding onto something. Some hurt, some pain something that stops us being totally free of suffering. I’ll be surprised if I’m wrong about that.

So what stops us letting go then? I suppose in many respects we form our current reality based on what’s happened to us in then past, so if we let go of some aspect of our past, well then that has the potential to change our current reality, and as much as we might want that, well it can be scary because it’s new and unwritten and we don’t know what it might feel or look like. Better to keep things under control, the way they’ve always been…only that deep down we know that hat isn’t serving us either. It’s a dilemma.

It’s like smoking. What good comes from continuing to smoke? And yet when we’re a smoker, so much of our identity is tied up in being a smoker. What will happen if we want a time out? What about our friends who smoke and our relationship with them if we don’t go fo sneaky fags together? And all that sneaking around? What happens when we just start being a ‘normal’ non-smoking human being, you know one who doesn’t feel crappy for smoking, who isn’t rebelling against parents, society, whatever it might be. Or if we’re smoking the wacky backy, what happens when we stop numbing out!

For so many years I kept smoking mainly because I liked to smoke the wacky backy. It was such a part of my identity and yet I hated smoking generally. But how to give up one and not the other. Impossible. I had to really look at that very honestly and come - in my own slow time - to recognise that while I may have thought I was having these wonderful spiritual experiences smoking cannabis, and somehow becoming more ‘spiritual’ (whatever the hell that means), I was actually just numbing out from life. I was self-medicating, in the same way that some might take anti-depressants or other ‘acceptable’ drugs.

It was difficult to let that go. You know what I mean? Who are we when we let go of whatever we are holding onto?

How about that childhood trauma (we’ve ALL got childhood trauma, it comes with being human), what happens if we just let that go? Gosh all of a sudden we get to take responsibility for our lives and our experience of it. Maybe we finally get to stand on our own two feet. Scary.

That hurt from those who took advantage of our kindness or who rejected us? Gosh, well then we have to accept the fact that actually it was us who put ourselves in that position and it is us, only us, who can really do any self-loving and who do a huge amount of the abandoning. We can’t keep blaming such and such for messing us up (even if he/she did…but we chose he/she in the first place). so all of a sudden we have to stop being the victim. Ouch.

I’ve been through all this. It’s the breath that really made me take note. A full breath in? Receiving all life can give? Am I worthy of that? The exhalation, letting go, truly…am I prepared to do that, who will I become?

I’ve been hauling my past around with me, like a heavy bag hung over my shoulders, weighing me down, making me play out unhelpful behaviour patterns all the time, attracting much of the same (crap) into my life despite the intentions and the affirmations and all the stuff I hope might change things.

You have to be ready. You have to get to a point where you’re done. I’m done. I no longer want to be defined by my past. There is only this moment and this moment can be whatever you want it to be. But for it to be unhindered by the past, tossed around, you need to let it go. It is not you. Just like the thoughts that run through your mind, day in and day out, are not you either. They’re thoughts. Your past is your past. In the past.

All the great spiritual teachers and masters teach one thing. Live in the present. You can’t live in the present when you’re carrying your past around with you, anymore than you can live in the present when you’re obsessed with the future.

But how do you let go? You just do. Like a hot potato. You just let it go. No need to analyse, to question, to write about it (ha!), justify it. None of that. Like forgiveness, you just feel it and you just do it.

A burning bowl ceremony helps enormously. Burn, burn, burn!

Today, lots of beautiful students wrote down the stuff they want to let go of from their lives and this evening E built a fire and burned the notes. I stood and watched, with a sliver of a new moon behind me, the sun having set and creating the most beautiful light on this unusually still and magical winter day, and I thought how wonderful, this letting go. In the flames. Fire to smoke and up into the air, transformed as we too, with our letting go are transformed (and eventually transformed from this body to spirit). Magic.

If there’s one thing I wish for all of you it is to transform, again and again and again, and I’m pretty certain that letting go of our past, of beginning anew and anew and anew is a fairly powerful way of doing this. Live in the present. Set the past down. Aside. Look back at it with LOVE.

That’s the key. My friend, Michelle Johansen reminded me of this recently. Look back at your past for the blessings it gave. That hurt, that betrayal, that trauma, that crappy thing that happened to you, look back with love. Say thank you, feel gratitude, know that helped to make you the most amazing human being that you are, helped you to awaken and heal, to take steps to heal, time and time again. It made you YOU. That’s worth celebrating huh?

So here’s to a new decade, a lighter one too, without that haul of the past weighing us down and continuously limiting our future.

Let go!

This is a most powerful power (in my humble opinion) about letting go, shared by my doula, Anita Davies, which has been really impactful on my life, through birth and beyond…

She Let Go

by Safire Rose

She let go.

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go.

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line.

She didn’t utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort.

There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her.

And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…

Love Emma xxx

Dark Night of the Soul

I can’t help noticing that this is a big year for many people. Like 2003 and 2008, there is significant change and the turmoil that comes with this.

It feels to me that with all these eclipses we are in a washing machine spinning around and around. I can’t be sure when the washing cycle is going to end but I do know that we have an annular solar eclipse** on 26 December, followed by a penumbral lunar eclipse*** on 10 January 2020 so perhaps things might settle then.

This, after a year that found us experiencing a partial lunar eclipse* on 6 January 2019 followed by a total lunar eclipse* on 21 January 2019, and then a total solar eclipse on 2 July 2019 followed by a partial lunar eclipse on 16 July 2019. 

I’m certainly no expert on the effect of these things, I can only share from my own experience but I have to admit that life has been a touch challenging this year and while I like to blame the moon, I’m going to blame all these eclipses too!

There was the Ayurvedic and Sanskrit studying and then discovering the Scaravelli-approach to yoga, which turned everything on it’s head, this before July. My Ayurvedic exams took place a few days after the July partial eclipse and this was followed by a virus that left me sick and feeling very sorry for myself all summer. 

I finally recovered from the virus in time for our retreat in Glastonbury on the full moon in mid-September, and I felt so much better for this, but it was short lived. In came the super new moon on 28 September 2019 and things felt decidedly sticky again with more illness and more disorientation. 

For others too, there is a sense of being shaken, as if we are being collectively shaken awake (this is exactly what is happening!) and with it there has been illness, bereavements, life-changing diagnoses, relationship break-ups, and/or job changes, and some of these changes happening suddenly, pulling the rug from under our feet, leaving us feeling confused and ungrounded.  

To me it feels like we’re going through a collective dark night of the soul. This is when life feels desperately uncomfortable, with a sense of despair and sometimes a total disinterest in living or in life itself – the darkness descends. Sometimes this feeling may only last a matter of hours, and other times it can last for days on end, and we might wonder if we will ever see the light ever again. 

Life doesn’t fit. Nothing feels right. There is a complete lack of clarity about how life may unfold and a panic that it might stay life this forever more. Life is full of uncertainty, and yet the uncertainty becomes more pronounced, and this brings with it a feeling of disorientation and not having a clue which way is up, or how life might look, or even who you are anymore as who you thought you were starts to dissolve and yet you’re still living the life of the person dissolving. 

There are tears, lots of tears and some anger, frustration, irritation, rage and an overwhelming sense of tiredness and exhaustion. Chaos reigns, we feel helpless and very alone, cast adrift without a map or a paddle to find our way home. And even if we know deep down that we just have to keep going, that it is just a process with a potentially positive outcome, it’s still extremely challenging!

I take some comfort in Simon Haas’ words, “A dark night of the soul is a period of purification and transformation. Like the process of refining gold or making ghee, parts of us that have remained concealed from others, and even from ourselves, rise to the surface during a dark night experience. During a dark night, we may become increasingly irritable, angry, impatient or resentful. We may fall into guilt, self-pity and even self-loathing. This is often our experience to the suffering we’re experiencing. We may even feel hatred towards those who we believe have contributed to our crisis”.

I don’t know about you, but I can relate to all of this! It’s both embarrassing and humbling! I am a cliché!

He continues, “We all have a dark side, an “ungodly” side, which only those closest to us may know. Sometimes the dissolution of our world can reveal things about us that surprise even ourselves. We suffer the death of who we thought we were, whilst encountering those parts of us we have kept hidden – qualities, behaviours and motivations that may be difficult for us to acknowledge. In a dark night, we come face to face with what we can no longer hide.

Some for instance, become aware of how much anger that carry. Others must face the unbearable truth that ultimately, they don’t really care about others. These inner revelations can be difficult to acknowledge or bear…[there is] a strong impulse to retreat from life. This impulse is partly the result of acute suffering and partly due to a loss of personal direction, leading to paralysis. When the ego is being destroyed, there is often intense angst and a strong desire to disengage from life. It can extinguish even the desire to remain alive…when our inner world collapses, we’re entirely powerless, like a shell tossed about in the waves of the ocean. It’s an inner helplessness.”

Sadly, I can’t offer you much advice in what you might do if you’re stuck in a dark night of the soul. It’s a process that we have to work our way through in our own way. Personally, I take comfort in getting out in nature, walking the cliffs and sea swimming, spending time alone (when I can) in silence, practicing yoga, repeating the Bija mantra, daily Yoga Nidra (grounded one’s mind), rose quartz, lots of rose quartz, and playing with the children, running around the beach, getting some fresh air together. Sleep helps enormously too, slightly tricky if you have children who don’t value sleep so much though!

 I am very well aware that as uncomfortable as it all is, it is part of the bigger picture and if I can remember this (and not get caught up in the intense emotions) then I feel some comfort in knowing it’s not just me! In fact, it’s the “me” that’s the problem, because essentially what is happening is part of “me”, is dissolving and the ego isn’t particularly happy about this, but it is necessary, because it leaves more space for the heart and the light to come in, instead.

This is all about the heart, it can only ever be about the heart. Love not fear. And as much as everyone says they love unconditionally, it is actually really difficult. There is huge vulnerability in truly loving, without conditions, of putting our hearts on a line and opening ourselves up for being hurt, betrayed or disappointed. Yet we are being asked to step more fully into the heart and out of the small mind. The situations in our life will ask us to step more fully into the heart.

 It is in this way that we may positively impact on the state of the planet. Where there is love, there is fear, and we see this clearly now with the fear being created by the media about the state of Mother Earth and the climatic disaster awaiting us. The fear will not create the change that is needed though, the only way things will change, at least positively and in the long term, is if we keep embracing love, and overcoming the fear (not ignoring it or turning away from it, but acknowledging it).

It feels to me that the whole universe is being upgraded, if only we can step up into it. We are experiencing perhaps a collective dark night of the soul, Mother Earth too. Only that Mother Earth will always be OK, she knows how to look after herself, it’s us, us humans, who will ultimately suffer. Which is why it is our duty to keep stepping into the love, not to just talk about it, but to embody it, to find it within ourselves to weed out anything which stops us from truly loving and truly living.

We are asked to turn towards those who have hurt us or harmed us or who just irritate us, with love.  We are being asked to be clear about our boundaries and what is acceptable in our life – we are being asked to love ourselves too, to keep stepping into the heart. Love conquers all. It is love that underpins absolutely everything (another reason to bring Reiki into your life, the energy of love!).

 I’ll leave you with this marvellous quote from Jack Kornfield in his marvellous book, “A Path with Heart”, which sums it all up rather nicely for me and reminds me of the spiritual and heart in all life:

“Whether in a monastery, in our place of business, or in our family life, we need to listen to what each cycle requires for our heart’s development and accept its spiritual tasks. The natural cycles of growth – developing right livelihood, moving to a new home, the birth of a child, entering a spiritual community – all bring spiritual tasks that require our heart to grow in commitment, fearlessness, patience, and attention. The cycles of endings – our children leaving home, the aging and death of our parents, loss in business, leaving a marriage or community – bring our heart to the spiritual tasks of grieving, of letting go gracefully, of releasing control, of finding equanimity and openhearted compassion in the face of loss.

Occasionally we get to choose the cycles we work with, such as choosing to get married or beginning a career. At these times it is helpful to meditate, to reflect on which direction will bring us closer to our path with heart, which will offer the spiritual lesson that it is time for in our life.

More often we don’t get to choose. The great cycles of our life wash over us, presenting us with challenges and difficult rites of passage much bigger than our ideas of where we are going. Midlife crisis, threats of divorce, personal illness, sickness of our children, money problems, or just running yet again into our own insecurity or unfulfilled ambition can seem like difficult yet mundane parts of life to get over with so we can become peaceful and do our spiritual practice. But when we bring to them attention and respect, each of those tasks has a spiritual lesson in them. It may be a lesson of staying centred through great confusion, on a lesson of forbearance, developing a forgiving heart with someone who has caused us pain. It may be a lesson of acceptance or a lesson of courage, finding the strength of heart to stand our ground and live from our deepest values”. 

*A solar eclipse happens when the moon moves between the Earth and the Sun while a lunar eclipse occurs when the Earth casts a shadow on the full Moon.

**An annular solar eclipse happens when the Moon covers the Sun’s centre leaving the Sun’s visible outer edges to form a “ring of fire” or annulus around the Moon.

***A penumbral lunar eclipse occurs when the Sun, Earth and the Moon are imperfectly aligned. When this happens, the Earth blocks some of the Sun’s light from directly reaching the moon’s surface and covers all or part of the Moon with the outer part of its shadow, also known as penumbra.

Ahimsā - non-violence and non-harming - how are we getting on?

Yoga might be extremely popular these days, but very few appreciate its philosophical merits. Viewed merely as an exercise regime, many will never have heard of Patañjali’s Yoga Sūtras, nor have any idea of the potential spiritual and personal transformation that Yoga offers.

Believed to be the most ancient text of classical Yoga, the Yoga Sūtras contain 195 sutras (threads) (sometimes argued to be 196), divided between four chapters, discussing the aims and practices of Yoga, the development of Yogic powers and finally, liberation. Like a guiding hand, the Yoga Sūtras detail the potential pitfalls on a spiritual journey and offer the means to overcome them.

 It is understood that Patañjali was not one man, but a group of scholars who were tasked with scripting the path to self-realisation. Like the Buddhist Eightfold Path, the Yoga Sūtras are made up of eight limbs (astanga) or steps, which offers a method of awakening; a path to higher consciousness and liberation. 

The eight limbs include:

• The yamas (codes of moral conduct);

• The niyamas (codes of social conduct);

• Asanas (postures);

• Pranayama (breathing exercises);

• Pratyahara (withdrawal of senses);

• Dharana (concentration);

• Dhyana (meditation);

• Samadhi (self-realisation).

 While most Western practitioners may be familiar with the third limb of asanas (postures), very few will be familiar with the yamas and niyamas, which form the foundation for this wonderful practice (that is more than just exercising the body). 

The five yamas constitute the ethical precepts, which provide us with basic guidelines for living a life of personal fulfilment that will benefit the whole of society. The yamas are therefore about our relationship with the world and about having an awareness of the inter-connected nature of it. They remind us that our every action has a consequence and they help to bring some order to an otherwise chaotic world.

The first of the five yamas is called ahimsā, which is often translated as non-violence or non-harming. In Yoga, ahimsā is believed to be the most important principle, and is mentioned first because the four other yamas are dependent upon it.

Over the years, my awareness of this yama has deepened. While some might argue that you should start first with the yamas and work your way through the other limbs, so that asana follows when you have spent time working with the yamas and niyamas, I have a sense that it doesn’t matter where you start.  You will, at some point, begin to incorporate all the eight limbs into your life in some way or another as your awareness shifts.

So while I may have initially started practising asana for it’s physical, mental and spiritual benefits, my interest and awareness of the other seven limbs has increased over the years and the yamas are very important to me and form a framework from which I attempt to live my life.

This hasn’t happened with any effort either may I add, it has naturally evolved the more I have practiced and the more I have deepened my practice. I don’t believe that you can force yourself to live a certain way, it has to arise naturally for it to be authentic and real. But we can have an awareness nonetheless and sometimes the awareness is what might help to create the positive shift. 

 For example, some argue that ahmisā implies the need to eat a vegetarian diet. Certainly Stewart Gilchrist, with whom I train, and with whom I attended a workshop recently where we discussed the yamas, will argue that ahimsā means veganism. I have been a vegetarian on and off since I was 13 and it is true, that over the years I have become increasingly passionate about the non-harming of all life and questioned the ethics of the meat and dairy industry, choosing a predominantly plant-based diet accordingly.

However, the Yoga Sūtras do not make specific reference to the need to be a vegetarian or vegan per se, it is based on interpretation of ahimsā and how this comes to play out in your life will be dependent on the individual. Vegetarianism or veganism cannot be forced because this forcing may create harm, and this will potentially override any benefit that might be otherwise gained. It needs to evolve naturally.  

For example, when I was younger I thought nothing of killing a fly that annoyed me or squashing a spider that might be in my room, let alone killing ants. Today I wouldn’t dream of killing an insect, I mean yes, it is tempting when the flies are relentless (as they are at the moment), but what right have I to kill? I’m curious how easily we justify the killing of animal and insect life to suit ourselves. 

I try and install in my children the need to help other living beings, and I admit I do struggle with the recent crabbing obsession of my eldest. It seems so cruel to in any way harm other living beings for our pleasure, whether we are learning about those species or not. 

Fortunately, I have managed to steer us to rock pools and merely looking and I’m pleased about that because recently we came across a mother crab literally hugging her baby crab. I didn’t have my camera to hand and I wish I had, because it was a very strong message to me that we shouldn’t be messing with nature, that even mother crabs have babies that they protect, what right have I to move them or separate them?  

 I also believe it is important that my children are aware of the source of their food, whether that be a dead animal or not, so that they can be more conscious of what they are putting into their bodies and the harm that may be taking place. They are too young to truly understand this, at least from my perspective. My eldest son loves pigs and loves sausages, and he is fine with this, despite understanding the connection.

There are many ways that we harm other human beings too. Physically hurting someone is one such way, but we shouldn’t overlook the emotional and mental harm that we can cause to others by the words we use -  harsh words uttered in moments of rage and anger, words used to manipulate and control, words used to put down and disempower, and words that add to insecurity and shame, for example. 

We can hurt by the tone of our voice, or by the volume of it, raising our voice and shouting at both other adults and children unnecessarily. We can harm with our moods and our behaviour patterns, ignoring family members, turning our backs on children because they’ve annoyed us, or even worse, ignoring their crying and neglecting to attend to their needs (children often cry because their needs are not being met, even if that need might just be a moment of our time and sole attention). 

We can hurt people on social media too, by the comments we make, and the judging that we undertake. We can also harm people by publishing stuff that might upset them. For example, I don’t appreciate seeing any images of violence, whether that be to animals, children or adults. I know it exists and I try to do what I can to help to make a positive difference, seeing a distressing image does not achieve anything positive, it just creates more anger and negativity and the world has enough of that already. 

The written word can also harm, not only in the way in which text messages and emails can be misinterpreted, but also in the way that we can be captive audiences. We don’t get to choose what people write to us when they contact us and before we know it they have offloaded on us and involved us in their dramas. It can be ever so draining, and can lead us onto another of the yamas called asteya, which means non-stealing, and the manner in which people steal time and energy from us, but that’s a whole other blog posting!

Of course Gandhi’s views and practices revolved around ahimsa and non-violence. He successfully implemented the rule of non-violence in the struggle for independence in India. He wrote, “non-violence is a power which can be wielded equally by all – children, young men and women or grown up people, provided that they have a living faith in the God of Love and have therefore equal love for all mankind. When non-violence is accepted as the law of life, it must pervade the whole being and not be applied to isolated acts”.

 I would love nothing more than for non-violence to be accepted as the law of life but I have a feeling that until we are non-violent and non-harming to the ourselves, then it is unlikely we will be able to non-violent or non-harming to the whole of society. 

For many years, I associated self-harm with intentionally damaging or injuring the body, usually as a way of coping with, or expressing, emotional distress. I tried it once, in my twenties when I was full of self-loathing, and it just made me feel worse, not better, but I have known others who experienced some comfort in it. It’s a pretty drastic thing to do and certainly indicates that life is very much out of balance.

I have since come to recognise that there are many other ways that we self-harm, some more acceptable by society, and some so subtle that we don’t recognise them as self-harming until someone points them out to us.

Self-harming can mean eating more than you need, for example, and being greedy, taking an extra helping of cake or chocolate or curry, or whatever it might be that stresses our digestive systems and body generally. Cancer Research UK advises that in 2018, 62% of the adults in the UK were overweight or obese, and that being overweight and obese is the UK’s biggest cause of cancer after smoking. This is most definitely self-harm manifest!

 However, self-harm can also mean not eating enough. Those who read this blog post regularly and have read my books will know that I used to have an eating disorder. Eating disorders are definitely a form of self-harm. I also carried a lot of repressed anger and bitterness, and the combination of the eating disorder and the negative emotions resulted in me having to have my gallbladder removed when I was 21 years old -the gallbladder holds bitterness in the body, closely related to the liver which holds anger.

Anger was a theme throughout much of my earlier life, both inherited but also in reaction to life events and the manner in which my life was unfolding, especially in my twenties. This was a form of self harm as I directed my anger towards myself, my inner critique giving me a hard time so that I loathed myself – I didn’t need anyone else harming me because I was doing a good job of that myself with my negative thinking. 

For many years of my life I always adopted a negative mind-set and negative thinking. I didn’t even realise that I was doing it, or that I had a choice about it – glass half full, glass half empty. I just thought that that was me. My negativity towards myself and my life led me to contemplate suicide and one evening I did get more desperate than at any other time in my life and I know that this was – thankfully – a cry for help rather than a genuine attempt at suicide. I had hit rock bottom and this was some serious harming.  

 It was a necessary moment for me though, to wake up to the harm I was causing myself and to ask for help to heal. Soon after this, a wave of help rushed in, through Yoga, Reiki and the love of many Earth angels, which you can read about in my book, Namaste. All of this helped me to realise that I didn’t have to be stuck in negativity, that I had a choice, and I took it upon myself to focus on love, and self-love and positivity instead, trying to shift my mind-set in the process. 

It is difficult to name one thing that made a difference, because all the various healing practices that I engaged had a cumulative positive effect on me. Although I do think that connecting with the angels and inviting the divine and indeed the Goddess into my life have all helped to make a huge difference. At their heart they brought in faith and love, and this made a huge difference in transforming my life in a positive direction. It was then, and much like Gandhi says, that I began to have greater love and respect for the whole of mankind.

However, it is worth noting that we can harm ourselves in the quest to heal ourselves too. In the earlier days of my Yoga practice I practised excessively, triggering the return of the eating disorder, which found me losing a lot of weight in the quest to be the ‘ideal’ yogini, or at least the notion in my head of what I thought was the ideal yogini. This was a journey all in itself, and helped me to see through the illusion that is ever present even in the Yoga world. My periods stopped during this time soon, which is always a sign that something is out of balance. 

We can harm ourselves by pushing ourselves too hard in our yoga practice, causing ourselves injuries. As yoga teachers we have to be mindful of not causing harm to our students in the words we use and the physical adjustments we make. As holistic therapists too, helping others to heal, we have to be mindful of not creating more harm and sharing only what is absolutely necessary and helpful, not dwelling on the negative. 

I harmed myself when I used to smoke cannabis, believing that it would assist with my spiritual development. I was travelling and practicing Yoga, and I convinced myself that it was OK as it was mentioned in the Vedas and there is an association between cannabis and Shiva, plus I hoped it would enhance my creativity and expand my mind. 

 When I look back I see that it was just another smoke screen, another way of distancing myself from the reality of my life and the issues that I still needed to address. I was neither more creative nor more spiritual as a result of the smoking, I just ended up with a nicotine addiction and polluted lungs and liver. Furthermore, I was desperately ungrounded and unable to make anything happen in my life as I floated around in the ethers of denial. 

There is no doubt in my mind that smoking is a form of self-harm. Fortunately smoking has become unfashionable and with good reason, with it being the number one cause of cancer in the UK. The fact that people are still allowed to smoke in their cars in Guernsey with children in the car too astounds me. Surely this is a form of harm too?

Drinking alcohol is also a form of self-harm despite the fact that it is considered socially acceptable. It amazes me how much alcohol underpins the British culture despite the fact that drinking alcohol is known to cause seven types of cancer, including breast and bowel cancer (per Cancer Research UK). Furthermore, studies indicate that those who drink alcohol (regardless of the amount) are more likely to end up with cancer than those who don’t. 

There are many other ways we self-harm too, often as a result of our addictions. One of my yoga teachers always said that we all have addictions, some more harmful than others. Some may be addicted to love and the drama that often accompanies this, others to technology and the need to be online, yet others to sex and to porn, and yet more to pharmaceutical drugs, and those who choose illegal drugs instead. 

We can harm others in the process of harming ourselves too; spending too much time on technology and ignoring our children in the process, in any way buying into the porn industry, uncontrollable and unrestrained sexual indulgences and manipulations, the love drama that destroys marriages and harms children, and promoting the illegal drug trade with its links to sex trafficking and the underworld. 

Buying into Big Pharma is a big deal too. To have children we had to have IVF. This meant that I consciously ingested and injected pharmaceutical drugs into my body, some of which came with warnings of the potential cancerous side effects. Some of these drugs are aimed at, and used by, menopausal women to reduce their menopausal symptoms. I had a choice about whether I take these drugs, and had it not been for my overwhelming desire for children, there is no way I would have put that stuff into my body. 

I tried to do what I could to reduce the negative effects of the drugs, certainly energetically, with holistic means. I was still concerned however about what I was doing to my body and to the embryos created through the use of these drugs in my body, and what might be the effect in utero. Fortunately, both boys arrived safely, not without some drama though, and whether this was as a result of the IVF and use of pharmaceutical drugs or not who will ever know. You can read more about this journey in my book Dancing with the Moon. 

Going back to the menopausal medication, it saddens me that menopausal women feel they have little choice but to take synthetic drugs to lessen the symptoms of the menopause which, we should remember, is a transition from one way or being to another, rather like menarche for teenage girls, rather than a condition that somehow needs to be fixed (or delayed!). 

That women are prepared to risk cancer, shows how desperate they must feel and it is a shame that holistic means are not promoted as another option. Certainly from an Ayurvedic perspective a change to diet and lifestyle, and the use of some natural medicine can work wonders in supporting this transition, without the unwanted side effects such as cancer. Still we must each feel that we have a right to choose, without judgment, the path we should take, medical or otherwise. 

The fact that so many women still choose to take synthetic contraceptive drugs despite the researched links between the long term use of these drugs and various cancers surprises me. This link is recognised to the extent that doctors will encourage women to stop taking the pill at some stage, when they consider that they have been on it for long enough - this happened to two of my friends, who had never questioned, nor appreciated the risk they were taking by using the pill in the first place. These are subtle ways in which we might harm ourselves, 

[For anyone keen to explore menopause or menstruation further, I recommend reading any of Dr Christiane Northrup’s books on women’s wisdom and women’s bodies, she also has a book devoted to natural approaches to the menopause available through Amazon. For those who have been questioning the use of the contraceptive pill then I highly recommend reading Code Redby Lisa Lister and exploring alternative methods that might allow you to connect with your cycle again and all it will reveal to you in the process.]

I haven’t even started on vaccinations and harm because that is a whole divisive and potentially harming discussion point for all involved. My best friend once told me that we might fall out if we discuss vaccinations so I learned early on that even those nearest and dearest will risk a long-term friendship over this subject. I’m not pro or anti vaccine per se, but I am pro choice, and that people should have the right and freedom to make the choice whether to vaccinate themselves or their children without being judged or in any way harmed by others.

Whether you are harming yourself or others in choosing to vaccinate, is as valid a research point, as the decision not to vaccinate and the impact this is believed to have on the wider population. All I would suggest that in forming your opinion one way or another you undertake detailed and unbiased research, and even then, respect the choice of others. Certainly from an Ayurvedic perspective, it is fundamental to support natural immunity whether you vaccinate or not and cause as little harm as possible whichever route you take. 

We self-harm when we establish poor boundaries be that in relationships or in the work place and when we give too much of ourselves and our energy away. Further, we self-harm when we spend time with people who deplete us or in any way disempower or drain us. We self-harm when we subject ourselves to violent media or to the news, or to anything that in any way has a negative impact on our emotional and mental wellbeing and creates feelings of fear and anxiety in us. 

Then lastly let us not forget the manner in which we harm the planet. Those of us who drive cars, travel by aeroplane, waste water, fuel and food, and buy more than we need are harming the planet on some level. We live in a consumer society where it is all about buying and accumulating stuff. We don’t actually need very much. It’s important we recognise the difference between needing and wanting and consider what it is that we are actually buying. Are we buying into an illusion? And what about the source of what we are buying? Did it cause harm to people or to the planet? Ethical shopping has to be the way forward.  

I can even take this to the buying of crystals. I love crystals and like having them in the cottage, but I have started questioning the harm that was caused, not only to the planet but to the people involved in their mining, to bring them into my life. I went through a phase of returning all the pebbles and shells that we had collected over the year to the beach, considering that these are not mine, and that they should be returned to Mother Earth. I’ve eased up on that a little bit but it’s an interesting point – how are we harming Mother Earth through our actions?

The truth is, once we bring ahimsā into our life we do start questioning things. What once worked for us might not work anymore and that can be a difficult process to go through, not only for us but for our friends and family. There is often a period of adjustment because its implications are far wider than simply giving up meat or ditching the car for the bike

It is more than not being violent or not harming, it is more than an attitude, it is a whole way of life. It extends to all living things, to you, to me, to those we don’t get along with, to animals, to Planet Earth, it is all and everything. Ultimately it comes down to love and respect, and it comes down to being conscious of the decisions we make, and taking responsibility. It’s pretty cool, though, as a framework for living one’s life - ahimsā, being non-violent and doing no harm. 

Be the change you'd like to see in the world

The moon has been up to her tricks again. With the rare second full moon in Libra last week, a major rebalancing has been taking place, which has been building for months now. 

Change has been in the air and after Friday’s full moon, a couple of my friends remarked on how they were finally feeling more like themselves again. I can relate to this. 

It’s like the balance has been reset, the pendulum has stopped its swinging and has found its new balance, having had its foundation shaken by the the shifting energy of the eclipses, ushering in change. 

 The idea of ‘being the change you’d like to see in the world’, that Gandhi is quoted as saying (although there is some question as to whether he actually said this) is something that I have been working with for 9 months or so now and this certainly been supported by the moon energy. 

It became clear to me back then, that the way I was living my life was not sustainable, nor bringing me the peace of mind and joy that I sought. This is not to say that there was anything massively wrong with my life per se, I am grateful because I have a very blessed life. But nonetheless I was aware that there were imbalances and that these imbalances were affecting my health and wellbeing and having a knock on effect on the family.

In short, I was stressed. It seems ironic to think that a yoga teacher can be stressed, but I wasn’t just a yoga teacher at that time. I was also working as a part-time company secretary for a wealth management company in the Guernsey offshore finance industry, on a self-employed basis. I had also just started my Ayurvedic and Sanskrit studies and I was in the process of publishing my book, Namaste.

Furthermore, I had a sense that my own stresses were just a reflections of the stresses in the bigger world out there – after all, we are a microcosm of the macrocosm, so what is happening outside of us will be happening within each of us in some way. The world had become a stressful place in which to live! 

But how to ease the stress? How to make the changes?

Well it has to start with us doesn’t it. We can’t just look to others to make the changes to society, or to make the changes within us, we have to take responsibility for making those changes ourselves.

This is the tricky bit. After all, for me, it had taken 43 years to cultivate my life to that point, with all those ingrained habits and conditioning. Sure, I’ve spent a good few years trying to unravel some of this, but in the process I have no doubt I’ve laid down new pathways, new behaviour patterns and thought processes that were no longer serving me either - us yoga teachers are human too, more fool anyone who puts us up on a pedestal!

It was probably visiting the Isle of Lewis in the Outer Hebrides that was the tipping point for me. I was a little bit stressed before going, making sure that I was on top of the finance job and the studying, and all the other balls that I was juggling at the time. There were far too many when I think back, but sometimes we don’t recognise when we’ve taken on too much until it’s too late. 

We arrived at our cottage out on the Uig peninsular far away from civilisation (or so it felt), to find that Wi-Fi was intermittent and offered poor connection. Initially irritating, this turned out to be a blessing because it gave me the chance to truly switch off and retreat from the rest of the world. I couldn’t answer work emails, check Facebook or do any of the online studying as I had intended - I felt liberated, as if I could breathe more fully again. 

 It was then that I recognised how much my phone and the internet were the cause of much of my underlying stress – I could never switch off. 

But it was more than that. I started to question the need for all the working, this being an ingrained behaviour pattern all of its own. What was my motivation? Why did I always have to be achieving? And to what gain?

These were awkward questions to answer. I had to stop lying to myself and making excuses for maintaining the status quo. I needed to be honest if I ever stood a chance of making the changes I knew needed to be made.

The pace of life on Lewis was much slower than in Guernsey, and we could go a whole day with only seeing a handful of people, which I relished. I am a loner at heart and thrive on anonymity, peace and solitude, and with Elijah now at school, the school run is a stressor in itself! The landscape in the Outer Hebrides is raw and wild and my soul was nourished by the visit. 

Returning home, I couldn’t let go of the idea of returning, and there followed days of checking and pricing flights and accommodation. However, the Isle of Lewis is not the easiest place to access and the air travel costs a small fortune. Could we really justify a return trip, and would it live up to our first experience?

It then crossed my mind, that it wasn’t necessarily the Isle of Lewis that I most craved, although it is a truly beautiful place, but it was the lifestyle that we had enjoyed while we were there and the quality family time without me being distracted by my phone. Which made me reflect on how I was living and what was wrong with this to cause me to want to be somewhere else in the first place. 

It’s so easy to just accept that this is how we are and this is our life, forgetting that we have a choice in how we live, and that how we live, or might want to live, changes over time. It is easy to get stuck. Why had my life become the way it has become, filled with rushing and doing and achieving? Was it about parental expectation (no), or the expectation I had put on myself (maybe), or was it because this has just become the way (partly)?

These are also difficult questions to answer because we are so caught up in the busyness of our lives that we can’t always see what motivates us to live the way that we do. But I can guarantee that there will be other people in our lives who are our our mirrors, reflecting back to us that which we most need to look at it in ourselves. I was aware of this, and I began to notice other friends in a similar situation to me and I noticed the manner in which their work had become of a priority to them than spending time with their children, and the manner in which they tried to justified this. 

This bothered me. Not that they made that choice to constantly work – that is theirs to make. But that I too was always putting work before my children and that my life was frenetic as a result. The irony was, that I had spent so many years desperately wanting children and had gone through so much heartache (see my book Dancing with the Moon) to conceive and birth them and yet here I was, always working.

It wasn’t that it was even conscious. That’s the bit that threw me the most and sent me into a bit of a spin. Why was I working so much? What was my motivation? Why was I doing 3 different jobs? Was it for financial security (partly)? Was it for the love of it (yes to yoga and Reiki, no to finance), Was it to help others (yes for yoga and Reiki, no to finance), or was it just because that is what I’d always done (yes!)?

I realised that I hadn’t consciously chosen to be away from my children, I mean yes, they can be hard work all in themselves, but I really do enjoy my time with them, it was more so that I have always had a very strong work ethic and have always felt guilty not working. 

I started to pay more attention to how my ‘work’ was making me feel. 

I noticed that while teaching yoga and Reiki invigorated me, I felt heavy hearted cycling into the office to do the finance job each day and that I would frequently sigh with the sheer frustration of it. Why was I doing a job that was not making me feel joyous and that was taking me away from my children? There were many reasons – on some level I was emotionally attached having helped to set up the company, and there was the security it provided, it was my safety net.

But I quickly recognised that it had to go. I needed to make the change. I was lucky in many respects because this was only a part-time and very flexible job, and I was already teaching yoga and Reiki part-time too, so the transition was not perhaps as challenging as it might otherwise have been.

But nonetheless, there was a leap of faith involved in the process. While the heart may well guide us and make the path ahead clear, the mind and the ego like some assurance and certainty that all will be well. The mind likes to analyse and evaluate, running through various scenarios, considering the ‘what if’s’ and all the while the ego is trying to maintain the status quo, fearful of change and anything that might compromise its false sense of control.  

Even once the decision has been made, there is always that period of second questioning, of ‘the grass is always greener’ and the ‘well maybe it wasn’t so bad after all’ thinking. But that’s just fear and half the battle in making the change, is overcoming this.  

Needless to say leaving the finance world was liberating and it ushered in the potential for a new way of being. But I noticed that habits and tendencies die hard and still my stress levels needed reducing to restore my overall sense of wellbeing.

 Stress is a tricky one, it becomes such a part of us, that we don’t even realise that there can be any other way. I lost count of the number of times I caught myself saying, “I’m tired”, “I’m stressed”, until I suddenly thought, “oh my goodness, I go on and on about how tired and stressed I am that it has become a self-fulfilling prophesy and I have become so identified with it that it has become who I am, Emma = stressed and tired.

This acknowledgment was the push I needed to truly try to implement further change. I didn’t want to spend my life being stressed and tired and being defined by this. I didn’t want to keep repeating bad habits over and over again.  

I see and hear it frequently. The new year is a good example of this. People want to change. They’ve acknowledged that they drink too much alcohol, they eat too much of the wrong foods, they stay up too late at night, they spend too much time on Facebook and social media, their job stresses them out, they smoke too many cigarettes, they don’t exercise enough, they buy too much stuff they don’t really need, they don’t see as much of their children as they would like to see. 

They try to make changes. They come to yoga hoping that this will solve their problems. And it can, over time. But because the change is not instantaneous, because they don’t suddenly lose their craving for chocolate, alcohol, shopping,(xxx fill in the blank), then they stop coming. Give up. Head in sand. We’ll worry about the changes that need to be made another time. Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day. 

But when does tomorrow or the next day ever arrive? How much of our lives are lived on the thought of the life we might live in the future if only we can finally implement the changes?

My favourite all time quote is, “If you always do what you’ve always done, then you’ll always get, what you always got”.

I knew without doubt that changes had to be made and they had to be made now. There is only now!

But how to make the changes? Ayurveda encourages the ‘little by little approach’ so that you don’t become overwhelmed. This is not to say that BIG changes can’t be made, but sometimes the idea of this can freak us out before we’ve even gotten going.

Ayurveda and my study of it (not forgetting Sanskrit) has helped hugely in ushering in change simply because it is transformative by its very nature. The Scaravelli-inspired approach to yoga came into my life at just the right time, creating changes in my yoga practice – this approach being all about resting into the spine and into the earth and allowing the undoing. Allowing the undoing! What a shift in perspective!  Yoga Nidra, Vedic chanting, Reiki and the ongoing shadow work that I do with Jo de Diepold continues to support the process (I call it CPD for the soul!).

So the truth is, I haven’t really had to do anything to create change. Instead, I have just had to allow the undoing. Of undoing the doing. Of noticing the aspects of my life, and life generally that are stressing me, and slowly letting them go.

For example, I deleted my personal Facebook account because I recognised that going on Facebook was making me feel stressed. I noticed that I was taking photos simply to share on Instagram and I questioned the purpose. Why did I feel the need to share my life with others? What was the motivator? Was it the ego? Was it to be someone? I couldn’t be sure, so out went Instagram. 

Initially it felt odd, but the there was a sense of relief. I had managed to retreat from the world, without having to leave it. I didn’t need to move to the Outer Hebrides to experience this, I just needed to come off social media and reduce the time that I spent on my phone! So simple!

There were other changes; the tightening of boundaries, not saying yes when I meant to say no, not care-taking as I had done previously, not having a glass of wine or two to relieve my stress, going to bed much earlier, being more discerning, shifting my perspective on work, questioning the underlying motivation for whatever it is I’m doing and being aware of whether it is stressing me, and of course prioritising my beautiful children, and E, so that we spend more quality family time out in the raw and wild landscape of Guernsey! Sadly, I can’t do much about the school run, at least not for now!

I know that there’s still some way to go to make the changes that need to be made. I am not perfect and nor do I ever want to give the impression that I am. 

I was putting the washing out at sunrise the other morning and I noticed four planes high in the sky overhead. I thought to myself that this too has to change. Then I read that Greta Thunberg, the Swedish schoolgirl climate activist, has not travelled by plane since 2015. She is being the change that she would like to see in the world and I admire her for this. Maybe planes will be next for me too, I’ve floated the idea past Ewan so let’s see!

The truth is, that since making some of the changes, my stress levels have reduced significantly. Furthermore, time has slowed down a little bit, so that it doesn’t feel as if there is so much rushing going on, life is no longer frenetic. We are the micro of the macro, as we change ourselves so the outer world changes too. 

This is what motivates me to continue to practice and teach yoga. At its core, yoga is about ceasing the fluctuations on the mind so that we may experience peace. The more we can cultivate a peaceful mind-set within ourselves, the more the outer world will be peaceful.  It has to start with us. We have to take responsibility. No one else can do it for us. Maybe it’s not the only way, but it’s a way that seems to works for me and for that I’m very grateful.