Summer times

Ewan and I went to the Ivy Earth Fair on Saturday. It was so much fun and I was surprised that not more people had come to support the event. It was in a great location, an old castle with a moat and everything and had a really easy going and happy ambiance. Thank you to the flame throwers, great stuff, and to the bands and djs who had us dancing barefoot on the grass, the stars shining overhead. Love it!

On Sunday Ewan and I took the Trident over to Herm to meet Val, Ewan's Mum, who had been playing the organ in the church that morning. The weather improved throughout the afternoon and we enjoyed a sunny and rather warm walk through the new nature trail where we saw a green dragonfly and Ewan got to swing from a real tree vine (go see for yourself, it is fab, like walking through the jungle in Nepal, only on a much, much smaller scale!).

We popped into the tiny St Tugals church - go feel the vibration of the energy in the walls in there - and then investigated the campsite (wow what views from some of those pitches) and along the cliff back to the Mermaid for a cup of tea. Of course we managed a quick stop in the lovely Herm shops, one of them sells crystals at a really good price and the other shop offers some fab jewellery.

This week we have been rather busy helping out friends with gardening and tree work, all good fun, Ewan will make a gardener of me yet. Talking of which we pulled up some of our carrots and even though they look a little anemic, they didn't taste too bad for our first attempt!!



It has been a rather social week. One of my best friend's, Sam, has been visiting Guernsey from Canada with her beautiful 4 month old daughter, Rosie. Honestly she is the funniest little thing as she is very expressive...clearly going to take after Mum with her thinking! We have enjoyed a couple of afternoons sitting, chatting and holding Rosie at Grandes Rocques beach with Sam's other local friends and we were all really sad and tearful at the airport this afternoon when we said goodbye.

Ross, Star and Adena left on their European travels yesterday. I hope the weather improves for them, 5 weeks in a tent may be just as testing for them as sharing a room in India was earlier this year! Good luck guys.

My cousin Katherine is over with her husband, Detlev, and her beautiful children Abigail (also my goddaughter) and Colin for a few weeks. I visited for a drink with them this afternoon and Katherine and I took the dogs out for a walk around Fort Houmet headland - two labradors, one chocolate and the other one golden, such a handsome combination!

I even managed to visit another friend and her daughter who was one the other day. Never have I spent so much time with babies and young children as I have this week, quite funny how it all happens at once! What on earth is the Universe trying to tell me!! Well whatever it is I can't help thinking it has helped to make me feel a little more balanced and energised...hoorah, long may it last!!

We are off to Lihou for the night tomorrow and then off to France on Sunday, hoorah!

xxx

Happy times in Edinburgh

I had an incredibly lovely time in Edinburgh visiting mt best friend Lou, her husband, Dave, and her beautiful and wonderfully placid son, Ronan.

I must admit I felt a terrible friend. Ronan was born on my birthday in 2009 and while I flew up to see him for a mere 24 hours a few days after his birth, I have been too busy working(amazing how we get our priorities wrong sometimes!) to see him since then. I am so pleased I finally made the effort even if it was only for 48 hours this time.

Lou is looking rather radiant at the moment, she is 6 months pregnant and it suits her, and this despite looking after a 13-month old too! It hasn't been easy for Lou and her husband, Dave, the last few years; their first born son, Rudy, died in utero a few days before his due date in 2008, and then a few months later she sadly suffered a miscarriage. Thankfully Ronan arrived healthy and sleepy, in fact he virtually slept for his first 4 months!!

I know I am biased but he is truly beautiful and we had great fun playing with his toys and getting very excited at watching him take his first few steps. In fact it was fascinating watching him trying to walk. He kept putting his weight into his heels and would end up falling backwards onto his bum, but when he got the balance right between toes and heels, well he managed 7 steps all in one go!!!



We managed to get out into Edinburgh for the first day of the Edinburgh festival too. Lou and I took Ronan to a children's show, which was rather entertaining, before meeting up with Rach, Lou's younger sister and another good friend of mine, and Hayley who was up visiting Rach from her home in London. It is ages since the 4 of us have been together so we ate lunch together at a local Mosque kitchen before enjoying the festival ambiance and sharing a few glasses of wine (except Lou of course, she is on best wine behaviour at the moment!). Edinburgh is a beautiful city and really shines during the festival. Thank you girls for a fab time.



On my last morning we even managed to visit Lou's parents, who I call Mummy and Daddy Goulding on account of the fact I spent just as much time at their house as I did at my own during my late teens and early twenties. It was lovely to see them again and also to take the scenic route out of Edinburgh and around the coast to Haddington where they live - I am looking forward to visiting more of Scotland in the future as I have a feeling it offers some stunning scenery.

Of course it was sad leaving, the 48 hours passed very quickly. Despite everything Lou is an incredibly grounded, balanced and wise person and her energy and attitude towards life certainly helps to balance my own rather hectic approach a times! I never seem to relax as well as I do with Lou, in fact it was wonderful to spend the evenings chilling on the sofa (something I never manage to do on my own!) and getting much needed early nights...it was a struggle to get out of bed in the morning as I slept so well!!

Needless to say I have already booked my flights back up to Edinburgh in November so I can go and help Lou for a few days when she has given birth to her little daughter. I can't wait!!

Lots of love to you all up in Edinburgh and enjoy the rest of the festival.

xxx

Abundant August garden

Slipping down the stairs seemed to bring me back to earth a little and I finally managed to make a few decisions and get a few things off my chest...funny how we bottle things up without even realising it.

Ewan and I hosted our first bbq a week ago last Friday - no mean feat, we ended up with a guest list in excess of 35 - rather daunting considering we have only ever catered for 3 in the past, nothing like throwing ourselves in at the deep end!

So while Ewan ran around spending every spare moment trying to finish off jobs in the garden (well done lovely, looks much better now), I spent time liaising with the catering Guru, my wonderful Mum Jill, and endlessly shopping (or so it felt!) for supplies, plus of course getting the house prepared for the event.

On the actual evening Mum thankfully took control of the kitchen while super bbq-ers, my Dad Ron and brother Ross, took control of the 2 bbqs. We had tons of food, lots of meat for the meat eaters and lots of fish, salads and veggies for everyone else, plus of course lots of deserts (thank you Jo) so no one left hungry, all good stuff.

Needless to say we were all a little tired the next day, it is incredible how exhausting it can be entertaining others, plus of course clearing up afterwards. My poor parents and Ross had to do it all over again on Sunday with a bqq at my parents' house with all of Ross' friends - another great day, so much fun to see everyone especially Sam and Rosie all the way from Canada.

Ewan went to France on the Sunday to help Tessa and Carl set up some compost toilets for Tessa's party at the end of the month. I was hoping to retreat by myself for a few days but I have been busier than ever...makes me realise that I have still not learnt the art of saying no and honouring my own needs for quiet times and silence (never underestimate the healing power of silence) to really rest and allow the healing - trouble is when you look well, people forget that stuff is going on inside.

Still all good fun, I covered a Yoga class for Vicki last Monday night and was delighted to feel energised afterwards, I have done some much needed weeding in the garden which I find grounding - active meditation, I have practised Yoga both on my own and in class (thanks Sheila, loving the classes), walked along the cliffs and down to La Jaonnet with Sam and managed a swim across the bay (we resisted the nudest sunbathing like everyone else down there), caught up with othr friends and managed a few meals down at Mum and Dad's (thank you Mum and Ross).

I am off to Edinburgh on Thursday to visit my best friend and her baby son, Ronan and I can't wait.

xxxx

Bumping back to life

After a grounding Yoga practice and a nice and relaxing salt bath yesterday afternoon I then managed to slip on the stairs and bump my way down to the bottom, I now have a wonderful bruise on my bum...so much for my grounding!

Off for a swim in the sea, should help the healing.

xxxx

A blessing - for one who is exhausted

A beautiful friend and angel of mine wrote out this lovely blessing for me written by John O'Donohue...and I would like to share it with you, it is truly inspired...

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,

The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.

The ride you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

xxx

Reflections

Well thankfully with every down there is an up...and I certainly hit rock bottom last Thursday and have been finding the light ever since.

Depression fascinates me. It is a condition (or illness as my doctor would say) that I have experienced on and off since my teenage years. It is the reason I initially started practising Yoga and Reiki, and developed an interest in nutrition and the holistic approach to life - so in many respects I feel grateful for its darkness because through the darkness, it has also helped to create so much light in my life.

Everyone is different and every case of depression is subjective, I can only talk about it from my own personal experience. But for me, at least on the spiritual level, it is all about the need to let go. You see, as I see it, the ego - or personality then - likes to retain the status quo, it likes to know who it is and what it is doing based on past experiences, it likes to box and identify itself, it creates redundant behaviour patterns and will resist any chance for transformation and essentially, change. In fact it is the part of us that has a huge fear of change.

Trouble is, the soul wants us to transform ourselves, or at least to come back to ourselves, our true selves, beyond the labelling, the history and identity of the ego. And when it is unable to shine its light, well then the darkness falls. It is only by letting go of the past, of surrendering and going with the flow, that the light can return, as we literally let go of the identity we have created for ourselves, so that the "new" can move in.

I am not sure whether any of that makes any sense, but essentially, I know, now, that the depression is a grieving, it is like the death of the old, and a huge message to me that it is time to move on and the sooner we surrender to it, the quicker it eases. Not that surrendering is ever easy, but once we have stopped fighting and quietened the inner dialogue, and asked for help (this is sometimes crucial) then we are over the worst. It is all about healing the mind, I truly feel - right now- that everything originates in the mind.

Needless to say, as often happens - if only we could trust a little more - the Universe provided an opportunity for me to get out of my mind at the Secret Garden Party in Cambridgshire. Based on the concept of "Fact or Fiction" we were told to leave our left brains (logic) at home, go with the flow and let go...hoorah!! At the time none of it was easy, but looking back it was all necessary, to leave behind the norm, and to encourage us to experinece new ways of being, so that we were taken outside of the controlling nature of our minds (for there was no chance for control!).

Apparently numbers have doubled in the year and yet there didn't seem to be enough facilities to cope with everyone so it felt like we spent the whole weekend queueing. Queuing ages for smelly toilets so that in the end I gave up and peed behind bushes instead (much better for feeling that connection with nature!), queueing ages for drinks at the bar so I ended up drinking herbal tea from vans, a complete lack of showers so that the first day Ewan, Nige and I drove to the nearest leisure centre for a shower, and the rest of the time we stripped off in the field and washed ourselves under the cold water tap...a bit like being back in Nepal!

The biggest problem was losing people in the crowds, it just happened so easily and Ewan spent much of the weekend trying to shepherd everyone, bless him. I was more than happy to go with the flow, the holistic area was not as available as I had expected, the massages etc got booked up really quickly, and the Yoga was held at times which didn't work for me. My mobile telephone wouldn't work, which was a blessing, and of course no Internet or TV, so a lovely opportunity - a little bit like being in the mountains in Nepal - to totally let go of any concerns for anything outside of that moment.

It was all good fun, I laughed lots, I slept well, I rested, I read, I drank lots of water and ate lots of fruit, I connected with nature, I walked for miles and danced a lot and I let go, the angels were right, there was a need for flexibility...

So now a bit of clarity has returned, yes indeed time for change. But not to be forced, I feel that this is another lesson I am learning, change is happening, every day in so many ways, and change does not need to be huge, like all of a sudden leaving your job, selling you house and sailing off into the distance, it is more to do with the mind, changing the mind, letting go of the voice that tells us how we should be living our lives and berates us if we are not living that particular way...and by changing the mind, then so our life will change, for there are reflections everywhere.

xxx

Seven year cycles

Seven year cycles.

I thought I was beginning to feel better until I realised I have been in denial...how clever we are at deceiving ourselves...I have not been resting, more so allowing the pendulum to swing uncontrollably in the opposite direction and allowing the mind to maintain its control despite the longings of the body to literally do nothing.

It never ceases to amaze me how strong the mind in controlling us and how powerful it can be in creating such ups and downs. The down arrived this week, uncontrollable and without warning reminding me of a poem I wrote many years ago when this first happened:-

The Darkness

There are cracks in my mind.
I can feel them. Like paving slabs,
Drifting slowly apart.
My hopes and dreams slide down these cracks,
One
By
One.
In a steady stream,
Like water flowing over a
Ledge.
A waterfall in my head perhaps.

But there is no rainbow,
No sun and no place to call home.
And the only water (if there is any)
Tends to run endlessly down my cheeks.
I call it my pit of despair,
My darkness.
“The darkness has come again”.

It is a funny world, in my mind.
I hate it when the cracks appear.


So there have been uncontrollable tears, especially on my mat, the Yoga helps to bring it out, perhaps a healing, who knows, and mad dreams, a touch of anxiety and lots of worry about an unknown future and what lays ahead...

But this happens for a reason and being honest and upfront about it has helped, I am only human after all. Strangely this is what got me into Yoga and the holistic healing world seven years ago when it first happened and I needed to figure a way to heal myself that did not involve anti-depressants.

So time to control the mind and allow the body to rest, to go with the flow and stop fighting an illness. often these things are hidden blessings. Let us see.

We are off to the Secret Garden party tomorrow in Cambridge shire. This should be fun, a large holistic field with Yoga and lots of treatments on offer. I am both excited and apprehensive, there is fancy dress and a request that we leave out left brain at home....thank God for that, the right brain needs to be allowed to come out and play, embrace the creativity and the madness that is my nature.

Enjoy the weekend.

xx

Sunshine antics

It was my Mum's 60th birthday on Thursday - happy birthday Mum, if I look as well as you o at 60 then I will be very happy - and we enjoyed a lovely lobster lunch together in the garden, Mum, Dad, Ross, Star, Adena, Ewan and I, just as Mum had wanted and with the added bonus of glorious sunshine.

Later, while Ross went of surfing at Perelle, Ewan and I cycled down to Vazon and enjoyed the combination of sunshine, high tide and surf, boogie boarding and body surfing - I just love Vazon when it is like this.

At 6pm the extended family and a few friends came around for champagne and nibbles, Ross and I were literally in hysterics (how much fun it is to laugh uncontrollably like this) trying to put together 2 Victoria Sponges - the sponge had been kindly made by Vicki's Mum and all we had to do was slice the sponges, fill them with whipped cream, jam and strawberries, but for some reason we really struggled with the first one (I over whipped the cream and Ross hadn't quite sorted his spreading skills) and we were delighted we had a second one to try again!



Needless to say, cream whipping and spreading inadequacies aside, both cakes were well received, possibly just as well the champagne was already flowing by then, and we enjoyed a few hours of catch up with family members we had not seen for a time, before sitting together as a family with the chimniya burning to keep us warm into the darker and later hours...before Ewan and I cycled home, now that was fun in the darkness and after drinking champagne!

Friday dawned another glorious day and while Ewan cut hedges for a friend I pottered in the garden and my parents came around with some herbs they had bought me for my birthday - lucky me, I now have two beautiful wooden herb boxes filled with Rosemary, Sage, Thyme and Oregano, and two separate pots of Mint and Basil.

In the afternoon while Ewan went to join his friend, Charles, Guernsey born but visiting from his current home in London, at Moulin Huett, I went surfing at Vazon, like proper surfing. I started surfing with my brother, Ross, at the age of 14 - our Dad had been a surfer during his teenage years but had stopped when we came along and it wasn't until my Mum bought him a long board for his 40th birthday that he started again, and we were immediately intrigued.

Both Ross and I were crazy about surfing, in fact our whole life was about surfing, our friends were surfers, we would go on family surfing holidays in France with other surfer families, we would go to bed early so we could get up for early dawn surfing sessions, we would watch surfing videos and get excited about surf magazines and surf clothes (this was in the days when surfing was no way near as popular then as it is now).

We would dream of surfing around the world, especially in Australia without wetsuits, because here in Guernsey, aside from a few weeks in the summer we have little choice but to surf in a wetsuit especially in the middle of winter where we have to wear full wetsuit, boots, gloves and hoods before spending a good half an hour trying to warm up afterwards. I even made my University choice based on its proximity to the surf, Swansea in the end, probably the closest University to the beach, with some great surf beaches and reefs on Gower, I even made the University Surf team and came second in the University championships down in Newquay where University surf teams competed against each other.

For me surfing was my meditation, my connection with nature, my feel good factor; catching and riding an unbroken wave is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world, a completely natural high, I can't recommend it enough, invigorating, uplifting and fulfilling - amazing. However coupled with the demands of University life and a scary experience on a South Gower reef all of a sudden I stopped surfing so much - in fact I have only surfed a few times a year since then, sometimes over here in Guernsey during the summer or without a wetsuit in Australia and New Zealand.

Anyhow recently, what with all the time we have spent on the beach and swimming in the sea (and being reminded of the healing benefits of doing exactly that), and with Ross going surfing, well I have felt a desire to get back to it again. So in my bikini and rash vest and with the only undamaged surf board I could find in the shed, I managed to last a whole 30 minutes in the sea surfing on Friday before I got too cold and the surf got too small and crowded (the two main issues we have to face with the surf over here). I managed to catch and "ride" 5 waves and felt elated afterwards, if not a little sun burnt.

That evening we had my re-arranged birthday in the Loft Cafe in All in Black. It was lovely to see everyone again, especially Sam, who has been in India for 6 months, and to enjoy some tasty Tapas together with great views over the harbour and towards the Islands in the distance. Vic, Ju, Sam and I made it to Laskas for some dancing before Sam and I walked back home together (fortunate we live so close)with the stars twinkling above us. A huge thank you to Vic for organising not one but two birthday bashes for me, for the balloons and your generosity.



On Saturday Ewan and I spent a few hours in the heat of the day mixing and laying concrete in the back garden, stage one of the proposed new patio. I have never been involved in concrete laying before (my job was to spread the concrete, tap it into place and try and level it) and my gosh it is certainly a laborious and messy job, I have so much respect for anyone working with this on a regular basis. We then had to shift some big breeze blocks together - so much for relaxing and embracing the feminine side to life!!

We spent the rest of the afternoon pottering in the garden, I am rather obsessive about weeding and watering at the moment as I find both activities so calming and satisfying, active meditation I guess. After all that outdoor activity we decided to head down to the beach to meet Charles and his girlfriend, Jane, (who had flown over that afternoon from the UK) for a swim and we ended up at Grandes Rocques as it seemed the less crowded of the West coast beaches - how amazing is it with all this beautiful weather to see so many people down at the beach; swimming, bbqs, picnics, kayaking, surfing and playing.

I was given a cloud spotting book for my birthday from my friend and reflexologist, Christine, very appropriate as I have really been noticing the clouds recently - Ewan's house is set quite high, above St Andrew's quarry and for some reason I have become really aware of the clouds from spending so much time out in the garden there - and the clouds were particularly amazing from the beach as the sun kept coming and going, perhaps a front coming in and there were many different types all changing shape - it's my new thing!



After an outside drink at the Fleur with a few more friends, we ended up dancing together again that evening, only the music was much better and there were more people on the dance floor so it was particularly hot and sweaty! I absolutely love dancing these days. There was a time when I felt far too shy and self-conscious, but these days I do not care, it is such a liberating experience, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it is more so about how it makes one feel - and it feels good to move the body to the beat.

It was raining when I awoke on Sunday, quite a novelty and great for the garden, but by 11am when we were preparing brunch for Charles and Jane, the sun was starting to shine again. As it happens we were just finishing brunch when Leigh called to ask if we wanted to go over to Herm on his boat...oh yes please!! So an hour later, with the sun shining brightly overhead, we were on his boat and headed to Belvoir Bay at the back of Herm.

It wasn't as busy on the beach as I was expecting, perhaps people had stayed at home as the weather was not so consistent, or perhaps it is simply not peak season yet. In any event we had a great time; Leigh, Charles and I swam onto shore from the boat while Ewan rowed Jane in the dingy. We joined Leigh's girlfriend, Angela, and a couple of her friends who were visiting from Holland and the UK, and we enjoyed the laid-back ambiance of a Sunday afternoon together in the sun on a beach in Herm, great stuff.

While Leigh took Angela and her friends back to Guernsey and the last Trident had left Herm, the four of us walked across the Island to Rosaire steps and then on to the harbour. I love being in Herm when all the day trippers have left, it is just such a peaceful and calm place, and lovely for Jane to experience the charm of Herm for the first time.

Back home in Guernsey it was all we could do to collapse on the sofa and enjoy the last half of the world cup final - well done Spain, such a poetic team.

Well I am delighted to say that while the antics of the last few days have been rather intense, I am finally beginning to feel more alive again...long may it continue!

Thank you to everyone for making this such a great few days.

xxx