Even after all this time...

Well I have to say that I have grown increasingly weary and frustrated by lockdown and the general reaction to Covid.

I retreated last week as my cycle waned, and the dark moon did indeed bring with it a dark night of the soul, which continued on and on, allowing me to truly feel into all the rage and anger and grief that it brought with it. This wasn’t even mine necessarily, and it’s the first time I have truly felt this through my own cycle, old old wounds, from life times ago, and it wasn’t just mine, but the collective too. We women especially are right in the thick of it.

There was an old feeling of powerlessness that always underlaid my bouts of depression and there was even older feelings of powerlessness that were from times gone by that I don’t even consciously remember, yet there are memories, and this Scaravelli-yoga, or maybe the TM, I don’t know, maybe it’s just the time, but there is a whole other portal that has been opened. Jeez.

Ordinarily, if I read something like this, I’d be like ‘whatever’, but I couldn’t ignore it. It’s there and it’s very real. Power. Powerlessness, and something, something about the Goddess trying to poke through. I’m pretty sure you’re probably feeling it too if you’re reading this. And if not, and you think me mad, then you’re probably right about that too.

Because I have been feeling as if I may be going mad, simply because my mind just doesn’t seem to function the way that other people’s minds do. Simply because I just do not get it. I can’t understand it. My mind is blown by the fact the UK Government is pumping an additional £84m into this Covid vaccine. We’ve still not managed to vaccinate against the common cold, we still have flu, we still even have polio and how many years have we been vaccinating against that now, let alone meningitis, and all these others diseases that still exist, that we still haven’t managed to overcome, that we live with.

Nowhere do I hear any talk about the immune system, and I keep wondering why we aren’t putting more money into health education, teaching about the immune system and how we might promote its functioning. It’s like we’ve forgotten that we even have one, that within us is the capacity to protect against illness, and this amazing body that can heal. The only time people generally talk about the immune system is when it isn’t functioning properly, and we have heard a lot about this recently.

It doesn’t help I suppose that people pay it such little attention and will allow things to be injected or ingested in their body that aggravate it, let alone all the negative thinking and the external pollutants that we subject ourselves too, some by choice and some not, and all the while the trees get cut down, we lose more of nature and her medicine and her ability to help us heal, not only through her medicinal qualities but just by being in her - the chemicals that she gives to us, the good chemicals, not the bad ones that are sprayed on our food through mass farming and that we ingest into our bodies, on top of all the stuff that has already been injected into us and all that stress…

And on I go. The rage was in full swing about this and all other sorts of injustices. The people dying through loneliness and poverty, those unable to obtain diagnoses for cancers and other diseases and ailments because the whole world has stood still by a virus. A virus! The world is full of viruses. There are always going to be viruses. But now. Now we have a war on the virus. A war! Why do governments always need to declare wars?! Why do we always need to be fighting something? Why can’t we just live in blinking harmony with one another, each other, with viruses for goodness sake?!

Then there’s the bubbles! Ah, if I hear much more about bubbles then I think I will truly lose my mind. Only a few months ago, public transport was encouraged, now we shouldn’t go on it. We are trying to move away from plastic, yet now I don’t suppose anyone cares too much what material is used for PPE, or how it is disposed of, as long as it protects them from the virus. It’s all so confusing. As for the children. I read that in Denmark, children back at school are being asked to wash their hands so much that they are now getting eczema and skin complaints.

Then there’s the social distancing of children in schools. And here I’m curious about the products used to deep clean the schools each week, the same schools that our children will be shut into, to avoid Covid. And this when there are currently 4 known cases on an Island with a population of approximately 60k. Yes I know, I know that Covid is very infectious and can kill, but come on, look at the collateral damage, there are so many people suffering in so many ways that we cannot even begin to imagine or put statistics to it.

The mental health alone? I don’t know that I’ve talked to many people recently (online or social distancing may I add) who haven’t alluded to the fact they have had enough that mentally they are just about holding it together, and that’s mainly because they are drinking wine as a form of self-medication. How is it possible to maintain a full time job and educate your children? And this with the relentless shopping, oh my goodness, there’s no joy in this world anymore, even shopping has become a laborious process of queues and trying to socially distance, which is so tricky in a shopping environment.

But it is more than all that. It is about feeling powerless to live the life that I would choose to live. This is where the rage came from last week. We always get to choose the thoughts we think. But we don’t always get to choose what we can do with the time that we have available to us. Normally we do, but lockdown has thrown that out the window too. Someone else has been deciding what we can and can’t do with our time, and when they live from a different perspective to your own, then it is tough to just go with the flow, because you are not able to live aligned to your own deep values.

And yes of course, there’s this spiritual lessons of living with uncertainty, of being present, of quite literally just going with the flow of things, but, but, well she doesn’t much like that. Her power is taken away, just like it was taken away eons ago, there is still a very raw wound. A very real wound. I know that I am not the only woman feeling it now too.

So I raged and I despaired and I moaned a lot to E, and I tended to my plants and I got out into nature as much as I could, because nature is our healer and our centerer, and I felt much better once the dark night, or nights in this case, had come to pass, and I could see more clearly that it doesn't matter what I think, or what I say, only that I live my life with integrity and in harmony with the world around me, and with my family and with viruses. That the rest of the world with all its craziness will carry anon. And I send Reiki to that and those too.

The Goddess is calling. She’s moving deep from the land into the root and up through the pelvis and into the solar plexus, awaiting her transformation. She is transformation! We are being reminded, of that which is important (and it isn’t what we have been told or ‘sold’ - it certainly isn’t the best bikini-clad yoga body, anymore than it is the 6 figure salary, for example). It’s there for us to discover, if we are listening and it is really rather delightful in its simplicity.

But still I’m feel that my mind is broke, because so many are still asleep. This is what pains me the most. Even after all this time…

Even 
After 
All this time
The Sun never says to the Earth,

"You owe me."

Look
What happens
With a love like that,
It lights the whole sky.”

― Hafi

Even after all this time…we’re still looking in all the wrong places and missing what is right under our noses.

With love

Emma x