Up in the air

Well that was intense full moon my end, phew. I was pleased when that passed and thought it might bring gentler times but alas life still feels very much all up in the air and this reflected beautifully by this intense wind that we have been experiencing at least here on Guernsey.

Wowsers, I’ve not known anything like it and it my vata (air and ether) is definitely all over the place. My youngest has been wild. He’s wild anyway, has an enormous amount of energy that needs some harnessing in a more constructive manner, and the wind has simply whipped him into an energetic frenzy. Ewan has been away so it’s been full on these last few days!

Not helped because I had a book deadline to meet and so I have been desperately trying to find some quiet space within the chaos. I had it in mind that it had to be finished by the 21st. Other than being a friend’s birthday I’m not aware of it being a particularly significant day, but it just felt it somehow, a month before the Equinox. Maybe it’s because it was the day before 22.02.22, not that I’ve read anything about what that means, but all the ‘2’s would indicate something shifting.

We really are in that space between worlds, neither here nor there, everything still, like I said, up in the air, endings and new beginnings and still not 100% clear which direction the wind will take us next. It’s a very uncomfortable time. I keep hoping it might shift, but at the same time I’m very aware that this is how it is meant to be, the confusion and disorientation, because the process of birth is not easy, it can be long and arduous as any of those who have carried child know only too well.

There’s a tendency to do what we have always done and reach for something concrete to make it safe and known. My tendency has always been to reach towards work and try and make my diary known, add in a course here or a course there, push for things to happen, give my future life some orientation, distract myself in some way. But this time feels different. This time there needs to be space. This time I need to wait.

I finished my manuscript finally. The birth of a book is not an easy one either. I’ve been working on that, on and off for over 3.5 years. There comes a time though, when we just have to let go and let it go, whatever it is we have created. One thing I have learned along the way is the need to do it for the love of the creative process, not for the end result. There can be no attachment to outcome. So I have set it free now, returned it to my editor and it will now enter the final stages of proof reading.

I’m done. Not least with the manuscript, but with that time of my life that I detail within it, the one of depression. Each time I have edited it, it has taken me on a deeper inner journey to really feel into the threads of the story and to seek out any unresolved aspects of self lurking in the shadows. It’s been intense at times. I’ll be going through something in my life and then I’ll go back to the manuscript and lo and behold I find myself next reading about what I have just gone through, but from a different perspective now.

I’m finished with the processing, it is time to move on. I have no doubt that blips of depression will continue to show up in my life, because that is the pattern of my deepening into heart. Depression shows up when my heart feels suppressed, repressed, restricted in some way. There has to be a break down to break through the other side, to allow it more expression in the world. It has always been a path of heart for me, and this is just a way of accessing deeper love, however tricky that may feel as the casing breaks away that has kept the heart limited.

The casing is generally of my own making, a layer I popped there to protect the heart, because to feel is sometimes very intense, especially for those sensitive souls amongst us. Being gentle is key and being outside too. I’m doing a lot of that, to those ethereal areas of this beautiful island, of which there are many. We are lucky, we have ancient valleys and wells, areas where we can be calmed by gentle sound of water and its soothing energy. I’m a water being really so this works well for me and especially in countering the pitta (fire) and vata (air).

It always comes back to love. The universe is love. The universe loves nothing more than showering us in love, if we’ll let it, get out of our mind and into our bodies, overcome our vulnerability and be open to it. But first we have to let go of our defences, break down, be intimate. As above, so below. As we are gifted so we gift back. Our every act can become one of love, if we can shift our perspective to it. The sacred infuses all of life.

It’s perhaps no surprise that an hour after submitting my manuscript, of letting go, my body did its own letting go, not when it was due, but a creative letting go fro the womb space, confirming that we’re done, we’re ready to move on. That holding can drop away - I certainly slept better last night than I have done all week.

The winds are due to ease at some point this week…we’re picking up sped towards the Spring Equinox, life will be clearer after then, but still there is every reason to delight in each moment, it’s a perspective shift, a recognition of the sacred in everything. Not easy but possible. That’s where the work is.

So with love, enjoy this day, whatever it brings.

x