Enjoying this lockdown

I don’t know if it just me, but I am really enjoying lockdown this time around, and I make no apologies for it. Last time it was awful because of my reaction to it; rather than flowing with it, I fought against it, and struggled to let go into it, holding on tightly to my old way of being, resistant to the possibility of a more positive and less limited way of being, of a new world that lockdown may have been ushering in. In the process I made myself extremely stressed to the extent that my dad was concerned I was heading for breakdown. 

While it was a messy and uncomfortable period of my life (and no doubt for many others too), turning life on its head, and throwing me/us into the unknown, it was also a very rich time for growth, because it encouraged me to look more honestly at my life and my unhelpful patterns, and this process revealed some fundamental mis-identifications regarding self-worth, security and loss of safety, which, until that point, I had been able to overlook and ignore.

I hadn’t realised, for example, how much my self-worth and feelings of security were tied up in factors external to me; in my yoga classes and my earning potential, to say nothing of feedback from others whether that be ‘likes’ on Facebook or otherwise. Lockdown came in and I felt a huge loss as everything I had built up around me to give me a sense of purpose  and a sense of safety and security, were taken away. I completely and utterly lost my grounding, as if the rug had been pulled from under my feet. 

Lockdown also highlighted my inherent stress and as I looked more honestly at this, and what underpinned it, I began to realise how much we create our own stress, through the thoughts we think and our interpretation of the world we live in and our relationship to this. In many respects, stress can become a coping mechanism, healthy if used in small doses but unhelpful and harmful if it continues for too long.

There was absolutely nothing helpful about my stress levels during that first lockdown; every time I attempted an online class my stress levels increased simply because the internet connection was so temperamental that I couldn’t be certain I could teach the class all the way to the end. On the occasions when the internet dropped out, I would be beside myself with the frustration of it, feeling as if I was letting everyone down, despite it being beyond my control.

I also noticed my tendency towards taking too much responsibility for the wellbeing of the world, as if it was my job, and my job alone, to save everyone from the suffering that lockdown brought with it. This ironic because in the process I was creating so much of my own suffering! I was also struggling to focus on my children, because until that point, I placed greater focus on everyone else, almost feeling that they were more in need of my time and energy than my own family.

In my attempts to save the world (!)I attempted to teach multiple classes, many for free, on a combination of Zoom and Facebook Live, and exhausting myself in the process. It wasn’t just that though, if the internet didn’t challenge me, then the dwindling numbers did instead. I wasn’t used to that, and I felt unsupported, feeding my unresolved feelings around rejection and criticism, as if people were rejecting me – I needed to feel needed because of my inherent insecurity that I had tried to pretend was no longer a part of me. 

I took it all very personally,  forgetting that everyone was trying to find their way in a world that didn’t feel quite right. Many were weary of being on the internet after a busy day juggling work and home learning, other’s couldn’t work out how to use Zoom, many didn’t like practicing from home and there were some who just didn’t feel they needed their yoga practice, because the great outdoors (and wine!) were offering support instead. It wasn’t personal, but this just merely shows how I was well and truly triggered by lockdown! 

Life has changed significantly since then. It was a wake-up call for so many of us and I realised after lockdown that I now needed to do the deeper work, to look more honestly at my fears and unhelpful core beliefs around security and rejection especially, and the way in which these continued to inform my present moment experience, despite them being based on past experience and therefore completely unhelpful to my current reality. 

I took ownership of my inherent insecurity, fear of rejection and perceived loss of safety and enquired into them. I attempted to break down my escape routes and establish myself more firmly within my ‘self’, not on factors outside of myself. This meant stepping back and essentially putting myself through the mill, finding another way. I also started looking more honestly at my perspective and my tendency towards the negative. 

Dropping deeper into my practice really helped, especially embracing more of the Scaravelli-inspired approach to yoga which helps to highlight our unhelpful patterns of movement and thinking and the many ways we harm ourselves and create our own suffering.  Studying the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali with my philosophy teacher, Helen, made a huge difference too. In the Sutras, Patanjali defines yoga and the activities and obstacles of the mind and gives us the tools to help us navigate the difficulties of life and explains how we might cultivate positive thinking. 

The second of the Yoga Sutras, ‘Yogas Citta Vrtti Nirodha’ can be translated as ‘Yoga is the containment of the mind’.  ‘Vrtti’ can be translated as thought waves or modifications of the mind, but when the Sanskrit root is used in asana names (such as Parivrtta Janu Sirsasana) it means revolve or turn around. I’ve no doubt that each of us has experienced how the vrttis – the five activities of the mind which can be positive or negative and include correct perception, wrong understanding/mistaken knowledge, imagination, sleep and memory – spin around inside the mind, especially when we try to sit in meditation. 

 The idea is that we don’t banish thoughts or repress memories/emotions, but that we free ourselves from the turmoil that they (the vrttis) cause by training the mind towards greater discernment and detachment through the eight limbs – yama (external constraints, relationship to world around us), niyama (relationship to self), asana (mastery of body, postures), pranayama (extension of energy), pratyahara (withdrawal of senses), dharana (focus on one thing), dhyana (deeper, more consistent and sustained) and samadhi (self- realisation).

As for cultivating a positive perspective, we have to ask ourselves, whether we can do this regardless of the circumstances? Establishing a positive or calmer state of mind can be challenging for all of us, especially if we feel our families, our health and/or livelihoods are being threatened. It requires us being able to step back from the emotional situation to try to see things more clearly. In yoga then, we attempt to calm our thought waves (relentless as they can be)  that create the various fluctuations (monkey mind) using the many techniques available to us. 

Some of you already know from previous blog posts, but it was coming across sutra 2.33, “Vitarka-badhane pratipaksha-bhavanam”, which really made a difference to me. This means when disturbed by negative thoughts, cultivate the opposite mental attitude - easier said than done, but still entirely possible with awareness. Thus when we find ourselves spinning around with some old negative pattern (feelings of anger, loss of self-worth, resentment, disappointment, fear of loss of safety, anxiety over an imagined event, reacting from a memory) then we try and think something more positive and peaceful instead. 

 Essentially we are asked to flip our perspective, see the other side of the coin. I’ve found this helpful, in catching myself and noticing my negative programming and trying to change it into something more positive. I’ve also found it helpful in noticing my prejudice and judgments, as I am reminded that there is always another side to every story and we would do well to remember this, to stand back, practice detachment and discernment and consider the other side before we jump to conclusions (it’s the same idea of walking in someone else’s shoes before judging them)

The more I have worked with this idea of cultivating a positive perspective, the more I have recognised the manner in which we create our own suffering through our negative thinking and our misidentification with things having to be negative in the first place. There are two sides to every thing and every perceived curse brings with it a blessing even if we cannot see it at the time. More often than not, it is our reaction to life and our interpretation of it as it unfolds that creates our loss of mental wellness, rather than the experience itself – our reaction often comes from a place of fear and our interpretation will be clouded by our conditioning.

Thus when lockdown arrived rather suddenly here in Guernsey two weeks ago now, whilst it took me a week to find my grounding and adjust, I was soon able to flow with it in a way that I hadn’t been able to do previously. I tried to see the positive and embrace it. I noticed my old tendency around fear of loss of income and shifted gear on this, recognising (finally) that there is more to life than money and the time spent together as a family is a gift, priceless.

I have become increasingly aware that we have all we need and that the more we have (that we don’t actually need), the more we flitter it away. We’re sold the illusion that having more will make us happier, whether this be financial gain or achievement, at the expense of everything else, but I don’t believe this to be true. What could be more valuable than living a simple and uncomplicated life, spending time with the people we love and hold dear in our hearts, and laughing? Money can’t buy us that; that’s the illusion I’m afraid. 

 The transition to Zoom was without drama, I decided I wouldn’t get stressed about the internet not working – if it worked it worked, if not no big deal, I needed to flow with it. As it happens we’ve not yet had a single internet glitch, and I have absolutely loved sharing my practice with those who find comfort in online real time learning and I have really enjoyed connecting with students new and old students through Guernsey Mind, as well as those dedicated students who attend all classes. I’m very grateful, thank you, the sense of community and opportunity to share is very welcomed.

My old feelings of insecurity, not being secure in myself or in the world I inhibit have been tested. The trouble with free classes is that people don’t always stay until the end. The Guernsey Mind classes are free and not everyone lasts until the end of the class, I can see that on the screen, but whereas previously I would have felt rejected by it, focusing only on the number who ‘left me’, now I see the positive – the majority of people stay with me until the end and regardless, I really enjoy the experience! 

I’ve embraced this opportunity to be together as a family, E also not able to work. We’ve engaged in home learning to a point, but we’ve also enjoyed lots of other ways of learning, mainly through play and outdoor adventures. It’s been liberating to explore another way to be together, as a family, that is not rushed or stressed, that has its own slow flow. Of course the boys still bicker and I am continuously challenged by the relentless requests for snacks, drinks and tissues, and have become little more than a glorified slave (thank god for the respite of teaching!) but there is service in this too! 

 We’ve tried to do things differently too. Get out as much as our two hours of daily exercise will allow, to new places, on adventures, breathing in the fresh air (sorry, no face masks for us in wide open aerated spaces, we like oxygen too much) and trying to spend time amongst trees and natural water, both helping to support our immune systems. We’ve changed the way we eat, eating our main meal at lunchtime and trying to take on as many vitamins and minerals as we can. There’s been some baking too, and quite a bit of chocolate thrown into the mix, food for the soul hey!

I honestly feel that cultivating a positive mind-set has been key. Any time I have noticed myself slipping into negativity, or becoming judgmental, I remind myself of this, of cultivating a different perspective, and I have attempted to shift my perspective and see the positive – E is very good at helping me to see this. I don’t always manage it and I am not perfect, far from it, I have my messy days like anyone, when my mind is in turmoil, spinning around, but it happens less, when I can pause and catch myself and notice what’s happening in that moment to set me off in a spin in the first place.

The Yoga Sutras are amazing. Each time I read them I learn something new, something helpful. It’s incredible to think that this wisdom, thousands of years old now, is as relevant to us in our modern life as it would have been to the ancient seers.  We have been gifted all that we need to cultivate a more peaceful state of mind, so that we do not create so much of our own suffering through our negative and restricted patterns of thinking. The key as always is to delve in deep and practice. I’m confident it’s worth it! 

I’ll leave you with a quote from the brilliant Diana Beresford-Kroeger, a botanist, keeper of the Irish Celtic wisdom and a bio-chemist who was asked the question, “how do we keep well during a pandemic?” The answer, she says is simple: “recalibrate your life, slow down and take advantage of nature’s bountiful remedies during a time of disquiet and unease”

Imbolc and being in our nature

It dawned on me today, on Imbolc, how we never say we like going ‘to do nature’, we say ‘we like being in nature’. It’s one of the few things we might enjoy, that we don’t actually ‘do’, we just be in it, we may even allow ourselves to ‘be’ it, nature that is, our own nature, we can’t do that either can we, not really, we are either in our nature, or we’re out of it.

Nature brought me back to myself these last few days. I may have stopped sea swimming, but I am still called to the beach, especially now in lockdown. We’ve been able to visit on the bikes, as a family, in the morning, on the high tide, and E and I have even run in, just to feel the coolness on our skin, to cleanse our energy and invigorate us for the day ahead. It’s not swimming though, my feet don’t leave the ground, I’m in and out so quickly that it’s barely even a dip, more a get wet quick and get out even quicker!

It’s not that we haven’t been doing the home learning, or exceeding our two hours exercise time, but we have made the most of every minute of this, to cycle, run and beach comb, something different each day, to just slow down into nature’s pace, enjoy the time to notice the waves, to hear the birds, to witness the changing landscape as the season changes. It’s a blessing really, a gift, just the family, a whole beach to ourselves.

I love Imbolc though, this is one of my most favourite times of the year. There’s such a magic to it, like the beginning of the inhalation, a spark, something that happens that gives life to the land again, as the breath gives life to us. I’ve been trying to explore more of this in my own practice, to notice what it is, which part of me, from where does it come, the drawing in of the inbreath. It’s a great mystery. One day we breathe out and the breathe never comes in again.

I was fortunate to be with my Gran when she passed on. I’d checked her chakras with my pendulum and they were all in balance. She awoke briefly, to check that my mum was OK, and then she finally took her last breath, her breath having been laboured before then, the death rattle, the nurses had called it. It was definitely an experience I will never forget, because I had a sense that she was in a state of deep peace as she passed over to the other side, the breath extinguished, no more inhale, no more life.

In my practice nowadays, since my teacher has shown me another way to move the body so I might feel more ease and grace and stability in postures than I have ever experienced previously, the inhale sometimes comes upon me as a yawn or deep sigh, like you might get when you have been crying for some time, something that draws the breath in, as if it is called from a deeper place. Imbolc is like that for me. It comes from somewhere that cannot be named.

All of nature is asleep, in winter hibernation, seeds under the ground showing no signs of anything, and yet as if from nowhere, as if the shift in light is enough to set the wheel in motion, and on it goes; the birds start singing again, at dawn and at dusk, their collective tunes remove the silence. The light too changes, there’s a texture in the air that cannot be named, but you know it means that spring is on its way. And the land, the land is changed too, snowdrops and daffodils, bulbs beginning to poke through.

I feel changed as well. Nature beckons me outside again. I long to get in the garden when it stops raining and tend to my plants, which have been left unattended for too long now, hanging on in soggy earth, crowded by weeds, which know my attention has been elsewhere, inside, with winter. “I’m coming soon”, I tell my plants when I venture outside to feed the birds, and I silently pray to the heavens, have we not had enough rain now.

I’m planting a whole heap of different herbs this spring. I’ve already planted lavender and chamomile seeds, it was extremely satisfying massaging myself with my own lavender oil these last few months and being able to use my own calendula salve on the boys’ cuts and bruises (when they let me, sometimes in their sleep, so they can’t wipe it off again when I’ve turned my head, the tricks us mums have to use us mums to help our children along).

Imbolc sits halfway between the winter solstice and the spring equinox, but you probably already knew that. A prehistoric mound at the Hill of Tara in Ireland is aligned with the rising sun on Imbolc morning; when the sun rises, the entrance to the chamber blazes with light. I’ve a feeling one of our dolmens here on Guernsey is also aligned with the sun rise on Imbolc but it was too wet this morning to traipse out there for a morning walk. Maybe tomorrow.

Imbolc is also known in Ireland as Brigit’s Day; a time sacred to the goddess Brigit, goddess of the holy well and the sacred flame. She is a ‘triple goddess’ –  the maiden, she kindles the smith’s fire of the forage, the hearth fire of the home and the inner fire of the poet. Her attributes are intuition, inspiration, divination and the spark of life. Her life-giving waters are the sacred springs and holy wells which can be found throughout the British Isles. When Christianity arrived in Britain, the sacred day of the goddess Brigit became the feast day of Saint Brigit.

It’s the spark of light she brings that makes this such an incredibly uplifting and hopeful time of year. Everywhere there are signs of the Earth stirring. Our acceptance of winter is giving way to an urge to move forwards into spring time energy, there is a vibrancy to it, like the energy of an embryo, packed with the potential of human life, and ready for the change ahead. We don’t just plant seeds in the ground, but we plant our ideas too, leaving them to germinate, letting them go to find their way.

Now more than ever, we need to try in our own way, to weave the web of the life we’d like to leave to our descendants here on Planet Earth. Planting seeds that will flower after we have gone, that will allow more of the being and less of the doing that defines our lives these days. We are of course still bound by our old conditioning and life patterns, but lockdown, covid, all of this, is giving us a chance to pay attention and see what needs to be changed, surrendered, let go of with Kālī.

There is order in the chaos of it all, an intelligence that lives within all of us, that weaves the web, brings us together, tears us apart, one cycle after another, a continuous circle of destroying and creating… and here we are on the cusp of another spark, of the turning tide of the breath, of the connection to the holy well within us, our inner fire and the light in our heart. We are living it, Imbolc, it is a state of being deep within our own nature, it can’t be lived outside ourselves. 

Enjoy what it brings, and if you can, take time to be in nature and find the stillness within yourself. Maybe you can hear the dreams stirring within you and feel the vibrant energy of the potential that lays ahead. 

P.S. I can’t take credit for the beautiful headdress, I left the willow offering instead (and yes, I ran back home as part of my daily exercise!), which I may learn to regret as willow is known in Celtic myth and folklore as a tree of enchantment and dreaming, and is associated with poets, the moon and water. It enhances confidence to follow our intuition and inspired leaps of imagination, it also helps to put us in touch with our feelings and deeply buried emotions. The willow helps us to express these emotions, letting them go rather than holding onto and owning them. The twigs of the willow are flexible and are used to teach us how to go with the flow of life rather than resisting it and repressing our feelings. 

Bring Kālī into our lives: the power of change and time

There is no doubt that I lost some of my grounding last week, but I have found the earth again and with that I have felt drawn back to Dr Uma Dinsmore-Tuli’s work and to the Goddess. Not that they went anywhere, just that the calling has been greater this last few days.

I have it in my mind that over lockdown and through the Yoni Yoga classes, I would like to share more on the Daśa Mahāvidyās, the ten great wisdom Goddesses, albeit I hope we might run out of time and lockdown won’t last for ten whole weeks… but one can never be sure! If there’s one thing Covid has taught me, it is to go with the flow and stop trying to make life certain and known!

It’s Kālī who I am especially drawn towards. She is the Queen amongst the wisdom goddesses and contains the whole circle of siddhis, or magical powers, within the reaches of her power. Acquiring a siddhi is a threshold between worldly and transcendental awareness, as a junction between the two and as a passing through, it is a kind of initiation.

Uma proposes that a women may encounter eight female siddhis in her life including:

·      The onset of menstruation at menarche

·      Menstrual cycles

·      Female orgasm

·      Pregnancy

·      Miscarriage

·      Labour and birth

·      Lactation

·      Menopause

Because the physical siddhis are naturally arising physical experiences, it is important to understand the difference between merely experiencing their physiological aspects as bodily functions, and recognising these experiences as potential siddhis. It is conscious recognition that transforms the physiological and physical experience into a siddhi. 

As Dr Christiane Northrup writes, “Unconscious biological instinct and biological instinct that is honed and refined by consciousness and choice are two different things”. Thus if women are able to relate to their emotional, physical and physiological experience in any of the above events as siddhis, or as sources of insight, wisdom and opportunities for spiritual expansion, then they will need to approach them with conscious awareness. 

This leads me to Kālī, the greatest of all powers, whose powers of transformation, liberation and destruction both contain and permeate the whole of life. The literal meaning of Kālī is time and she teaches us that time is an inescapable power. As Uma writes:

“Kālī is also time and change from the perspective of cyclical knowledge; for the way that time is measured out in women’s lives is through the repetition of cycles, each one the same yet different from those before and afterwards. When we place this powerful goddess as the protective entity around the cycles of our lives, we embrace the inevitability of chance as a potential for great wisdom and understanding. Kālī in her closeness to death and darkness, shows us the necessity for self-acceptance and surrender. Her mahā-siddhi, or great power, is the power that comes with acceptance of change, and the willingness to let go in order to grow.”

I feel that this is pertinent for us all now. This is a great time for change and for letting go. We were given the opportunity here in Guernsey during the lockdown in 2020 and the opportunity has come again. I really do feel that there is a significant power around us right now, a true opportunity for wisdom, insight, spiritual growth and raising of consciousness, if we are able to surrender into all that life is giving us rather than turning away from it.

As a true pitta kapha, I have always struggled to let go of things, of past experiences and of believing that things have to be a certain way. Perhaps it’s for this reason that I have been drawn to Kālī these last few days, because I know that this is absolutely a time of change, of letting go of the picture we have in our heads of how we think it should be, and opening ourselves up to something that has yet to be lived and experienced.

Uma continues, “At its most profound level, Kālī’s siddhi empowers us to drop the limitations of who we think we are in order to encounter the limitless potential of what we can become. Kālī invites us to surrender completely any ideas that come from a desire to fix or define our sense of identity. To access the unlimited powers of her siddhi requires that we allow a part of us to die, the part that most strenuously asserts that it is the very source of our identity: our idea of who we are”.

The idea of identity is a challenging one for us women, because the notion of what it is to be a woman have been manipulated and changed by patriarchy. I joined a series of lectures on goddess led by a high priestess of Glastonbury and I was amazed to see the way in which the depiction of women changed when patriarchy came in. Prior to patriarchy, images of women were drawn and carved with full breasts, hips and thighs and a soft belly – women were powerful for they created new life and these child-bearing aspects of her were revered and celebrated. Many of the images did not show her face, for this was not deemed important. 

Then patriarchy came in and the image of women changed. Now she was sexualised with pert breasts, now covered, seductively, and longer thinner limbs, a face and hair, a clothed body with none of the fullness that was evident in the early goddesses. Her power was taken away. The maiden was objectified by men, menstruation was seen as dirty and birth kept hidden, the mother was no longer revered for bringing new life into this world. The wise crone was no longer celebrated either, her wisdom lost.  

Even now, we expand a huge amount of energy on attempting to fight off the signs of ageing. Still society celebrates the body and face of the maiden. Women have a hard time transitioning from maiden to mother, not least because of the demands on, and changes to her body, coupled with the overwhelming reality of life lived with a new baby and the constant sleep deprivation and need for lactation, but because of the loss of identity living as we do in a society that still only values the maiden and her youthful beauty. 

 As Uma writes, “Whilst it is deeply frightening to let go of the idea that we can always appear to be a certain way, with the passage of time it is absolutely inevitable that Kālī’s power needs to be faced. Such is her power, that if we choose not to engage with its effects through conscious acceptance and willingness to surrender, it will get to us in the end through suffering, grief, bitterness and regret. In relation to the cycles of a woman’s life, what Kali siddhi offers us is the immense power to recognise that the only constant is change itself. In our youth, our menstrual cycle teaches us this lesson over and over again, and the sooner we wake up to what we are to learn, the sooner we are able to embrace our limitless power and potential to live life in freedom”.

It’s fascinating to me, because the menstrual cycle prepares us for the changes ahead, and for what it means to be a cyclical woman living in touch with our cyclical nature, if we choose. We are the micro of the macro and we wax and wane as the moon does too. My boys have a bonkers barometer for me, I’m more bonkers at certain parts of the moon cycle apparently! I’m no doubt more bonkers at certain parts of my own cycle too, and in the moments when I am encouraged to transition from one way of being to another, because it is always messy!

My yoga teacher always says that yoga is teaching us to die well. By that she means that our practice can give us the opportunity to cultivate the ability to let go with ease and grace. Our every practice is an opportunity for this. I clung to my vinyasa practice for many years, and the transition, the letting go, to something kinder and gentler and compassionate, more aligned with who I wanted to be, was tricky for me. My identity was tied up in my yoga practice and on what I felt it was giving me physically. 

But the process taught me to trust the practice, that this takes us from one way of being to another if we allow it. But more often than not, we cling on through fear of something, of having to go deeper often, of having to be honest with ourselves to the extent that we can no longer ignore that inner voice that knows that there is more to us than we are allowing, another identity if we can only get out of our own way and die to the world as we know it.

Life supports this process too if we allow it. Those shifts from one way of being to another, of maiden to motherhood and on to wise crone, from menstruation to menopause.  And those cycles from one identity to another, of one way of expressing ourselves in the world to another. But all of this with conscious awareness, of being open to life as it unfolds moment to moment.  

I feel that lockdown here in Guernsey, the virus then, the corona-virus (corona = crown) is bringing with it an opportunity for significant change, of spiritual growth and a shift in individual and collective consciousness. Not only is the wheel turning again as we move into Imbolc and the stirrings of spring, but there is a turning into something wiser and deeper and more authentic and real if we allow it. 

This is a time of conscious acceptance and surrendering, of letting go of who we think we are, and who we think we have been, to become the person we are now meant to be instead. We might not know what that means and how that looks, but we can take comfort in knowing that it will only ever be for our highest good.

If this resonates with you on any level, then call Kālī into your life, but be prepared. She is a force to be reckoned with, a power like no other. She is heavy so that the weight of her power can spiral out to influence the movement of every cycle. She is also the power of time and change, these being the only true constants. So we embrace all of this; we are like stars in the night sky that appear to be fixed but are in fact wheeling around in a constant heavenly dance of shifts and change.

In our practice, we encourage change. We settle into the watery element of the pelvis, spiralling and moving, as we go with the flow in the outer world too. We find our roots, that which holds us steady, and we find our heart too, and open this to the world as if the one and only thing we might ever do with our one life is take the risk and love and create, over and over again. 

Cultivating friendliness.

Here in Guernsey, we are in our second lockdown. It is different this time, more is known and certain. We know more about the virus and how to manage it, despite the new variants, and more about how life is lived in lockdown. We are also more certain that lockdown will last longer than we might have initially envisaged but that we will be free of it in the end.

Yet despite all this, lockdown and Covid, on some level, continue to highlight that we live in an uncertain world where all is not known. And despite knowing this and orientating myself more into the unknown and uncertain through my yoga practice, I have still been thrown off balance a little by the recent lockdown.

It’s not lockdown itself per se, although I do find spending 22 hours effectively indoors a touch challenging (and huge respect to those of you currently self-isolating and stuck inside for the best part of 24 hours a day), but just the fact that once again everything has been thrown on its head and there’s no way of knowing where it is all going…{I’m pretty sure they write about that in the children’s book, “I need a new bum”, fab book).

I noticed my tendencies when life free falls as it has done, my need to cling on to something certain, establish a routine, make life a little more known. I never appreciated the need for routine, yet now I see how it gives us a sense of security, of making us feel as if everything is OK, that we know what we are doing from moment to moment. Every day Eben wakes and asks me what we’re doing today, he needs to know, to make him feel OK about the day ahead.

I have also noticed my tendency around self-criticism, in contrast to my focus on cultivating friendliness to self! The home learning really brings this up. I have an idea in my head of what this should look like and of course the reality is very different. As much as I might try, formal learning is a bind to my eldest, he’s not interested, and while I have all these ideas about learning from play, the children end up fighting and I end up raising my voice more than I’d like. They also end up spending more time on electronics than I’d like.

There’s a quote I came across a few years ago that really says it all, “what screws us up the most in life is the picture in our heads of how life is supposed to be” (The Daily Guru)

It’s easy to have this idea in our heads of how lockdown should be, but the reality is that life lived 24/7 with family is at times beautiful and wonderful and at other times extremely fractious and tricky. I’m realising that we need to give ourselves a break. If ever there was a time for cultivating friendliness to self then it is now. The home learning will be what it will be, the yoga classes on Zoom will be what they will be, the moments of getting at the home, albeit in the rain, will be what they will be too.

Life goes on. We laugh and smile, we rage and cry. It’s all thrown there into the mix. There is nowhere to hide during lockdown, we have to face ourselves as we are, the escape routes are blocked unless we choose to drown our sorrows. So we have little choice really but to be compassionate, to know that we are doing our best, to forgive ourselves and let go of our notion of what it shouid look like, and just live it, every single chaotic, highly charged and joyful moment of it.

I realise that what i need most is purpose, to be in service to others. whatever that might look like, wearing a mask that you can’t breathe through properly, smiling even though others’s can’t see your smile because of said face mask, turning up to teach a yoga class online even if very few students join you, helping doing the shopping for friends and family in need, a text message here and there, and above all trying to stay positive.

I’ve also realised how careful we need to be about retaining our vibration and our positivity. It’s the silly things that can cause us to lose this, to diminish our light and out us on edge. For me it was watching too much TV! I don’t usually watch TV but this last month and certainly since lockdown there has been far too much TV. We’ve been watching Hinterland, which is dark and at times, traumatic and it doesn’t make me feel good, so I have had to stop watching it. It’s the silly things!

Yoga is essential for me, getting on my mat, moving, breathing, resting, chanting, reading the Sutras, talking with my teachers, keeping the energy high that way. There is hope when the light burns brightly, and comfort to be gained through spiritual community, able online.

This is a time of deep growth if we allow it. 2021 is about growing up, stepping up, taking greater responsibility, and lockdown is definitely encouraging us really pay attention, notice the ways that we get in our own way by the thoughts we keep and the escape routes we take to try to get away from what is happening in this exact moment. What could be more perfect than this exact moment? Perhaps its our relationship with the moment that also requires our friendliness, our acceptance rather than rejection.

Let’s see how week 2 of home learning goes, and more feral children desperate for their friends and a good run around! Good luck everyone, see you on the other side! Friendliness, let’s remember that! Friendliness to self, friendliness to others, and friendliness to this exact moment!

Love Emma x

Cultivating a positive perspective in the face of adversity

Love would still laugh, despite Covid. It is more important than ever that we stay positive. In Ayurveda we are encouraged to cultivate a positive mind-set. It’s not easy, especially if we have spent a lifetime focusing on the negative, but if we can catch ourselves and shift our perspective then it can be extremely helpful to our sense of wellbeing and experience of life..

Translated as ‘cultivating the opposite’, The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, 2.33 says, “when disturbed by negative thoughts, opposite ones should be thought of”. Thus when adverse notions take over the mind, Patanjali suggests that we look at it from the other side, so that we cultivate looking at things from a different viewpoint.

This is not always easy to do when we are in the midst of a very difficult time, but with practice even the most challenging and emotionally turbulent moments can become more peaceful and we can experience less mental suffering. If we are stuck in an attitude of fear or resentment then we can positively cultivate the opposite.

Of course when we ‘cultivate’ the opposite thought, it causes us to first notice and observe the fact that we are thinking a negative thought in the process and likely getting caught up in it. Thus we are required to take a step back and see ourselves being pulled in this negative direction by our mind, thereby creating, for the most part, our own suffering.

When we do this, we are more able to create space between ourselves and our minds, which can help us to see things more clearly and objectively. Then we can ask ourselves if we are overreacting and whether the situation really is as bad as it seems, and whether we need to step away from the situation altogether in order to stop myself reacting in a way that is unhelpful and causing our suffering.

This is a good reminder for those who are currently suffering with the speedy move into lockdown here in Guernsey, and are in feeling fear and anxiety about the ever evolving situation. We have to ask ourselves if us feeling fear and anxiety is positively changing things, or whether we are allowing more of our own suffering. Perhaps we need to come away from social media, or stop communicating with those who are feeding our fear and anxiety.

We need to remind ourselves that all is ultimately well, that the universe never gives us more than we can handle and that we are, all of us, ultimately held. This too, though, this notion of being ultimately well needs to be cultivated too, because it involves a deep trust, faith and belief that comes from the heart. In yoga this faith, śraddhā, isn’t a spiritually-based faith, or blind faith in something; it is a faith that we are going in the right direction, faith in our path, faith that our practice will lead to a life of ease. We may not know where we will end up, but we have certainty, conviction and courage in our journey.

In Reiki, one of the principles reads, “for today, do not worry”, This reminds people that there is a divine purpose to everything and that without this awareness further limitations may be created.  Energy used for worrying is, in essence, wasted as it brings no change to the situation.  Taoist sages declare that ‘any event in itself is neither good nor bad, it simply is’.  

Sometimes it is important to simply trust that things will work out for the best in the end.  What is beyond our control cannot be changed and squandering copious amounts of our energy on worrying may only serve to diminish our vitality and cloud our perception.

My mother in law always finds a way to see the positive in every situation, creating a silver lining in every cloud. It used to drive me mad because I was inherently negative in my outlook (depression thrives on it!), and struggled to accept her positive stance to the extent that I really didn’t understand how she could always be so positive, was she forcing it?

Having worked with this for a number of years now, through yoga, Reiki and Ayurveda, I have finally started to experience for myself the benefits of cultivating a positive mind-set. It is tricky, old habit die hard, and if you are inherently negative as I have been, then it does require conscious effort to catch yourself before you fall into a negative spin. When you start trying to see things from a different perspective, however, looking at things from all perspectives (almost like the notion of not judging until you’ve spent a day in someone else’s shoes) it can be extremely helpful; liberating for the mind.

Now, more than ever, it is imperative that we try to stay positive. Falling into a negative spin serves no one, especially not us and our families, let alone the wider community. For some, the spiritual practice goes out the window when faced with adversity, further allowing people to drop into their fear, anxiety, victimhood and negativity; feeding a well trodden path, deepening an unhelpful pattern. Each moment gives us the opportunity to begin again, to change how we react and to cultivate a more positive mindset in the face of adversity.

This is the time to deepen a spiritual practice, in the midst of chaos, when we are thrown into unknown and reminded that life is one of uncertainty. We need to carer out the time and space to all out our mat, whether with children or on our own, whether joining an online class, or practicing quietly, linking breath with movement and positively changing how our future unfolds. For those Reiki attuned, self-Reiki is key for our healing and ongoing spiritual development, and sharing where we can with family and by distance with friends and the wider community.

Our spiritual practices, yoga, Reiki and Ayurveda for example, can teach us that there are infinite possibilities for us to grow, change and develop, and more often than not, it is our suffering that is the catalyst for positive change. We cannot change what has already happened, but we can change how our future unfolds, by the thoughts we keep and our potentially positive perspective. We have a choice. Our practice can help us enormously in moving from a place of suffering to a place of greater freedom.

This is a time to cultivate greater friendliness and compassion towards ourselves and towards others, to remember that we are part of a whole and that many are in mental torment. We do what we can, looking after ourselves and our own mental wellbeing, cultivating a positive perspective, and turning away from anything which dampens our spirits or allows us to buy into fear and anxiety.

I shall leave you with one of my favourite quotes from Ven. Ajahn Sumedho:

“If we are really allowing that which is most upsetting to be there, or that which is most boring, or most frightening, concentrating on it, welcoming it even, then we shall be taking an opportunity to be patient, gentle and wise…I look back over my life as a monk. I really resented some of the most difficult situations at the time, but now I view them with affection; I realise now that they were strengthening experiences. At the time I thought: ‘I wish this wasn’t happening, I wish I could get rid of this’. But now I look back with enormous gratitude because they were beneficial experiences.

Anguish, despair, sorrow can be transmuted into patient endurance, into wise reflection. Life is as it is. Some of it is going to be very nice, some of it awful. A lot of it is going to be neither nice nor awful, just boring. Life is like that. We observe: ‘This is how our lives have to be’. Then we wisely use what we have, learn from it, and free ourselves from the narrow limits of self and mortality”.

Love Emma